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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 20/01/2020 17:31

Surely it’s a bit of a space issue? The front seat tends to have more space than the back so the adults sit there. Plus, for younger children, the back is safer. I wouldn’t sit the the back either, it makes me feel sick.

champagneandfromage50 · 20/01/2020 17:33

Highonpotandused think we are on the same page!

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 17:35

@Biancadelrioisback

In this situation, the OP's DP always tells the child to sit in the back, but on this occasion he asked OP to. OP refused without finding out why.

Why is it OP’s responsibility? What stopped him from just the texting her to ask if it was ok or just explaining why dd wants to sit in the front?

Given OP has already said he lets younger dd get away with an awful lot, it’s reasonable to assume there was no special reason for dd to sit in the front.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 17:49

Why is it OP’s responsibility? What stopped him from just the texting her to ask if it was ok or just explaining why dd wants to sit in the front?

Because it's his car? Why does he need to ask OP if it's okay that he makes a decision regarding his child in his own car?

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 17:56

@Bianca

You said that OP should have asked why. Surely if the DP has suddenly changed the routine so that OP now has to sit in the back then he should at least explain to her why?

And if he can make a decision to sit his child in the front but then has to be prepared that OP can refuse to accompany him. Which she did. Remember that OP is accompanying him as a favour to him.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 18:08

Well yeah, that is her right, and that's what she did. I'm not arguing that.
Perhaps the event or whatever had just happened. Perhaps it was something that the DD said on the journey to OPs house. There could be any number of reasons why he did get in touch to tell her! Maybe he didn't think she would mind! I certainly would mind being asked to sit in the back for whatever reason! Neither would most people I know. I also think that in a relationship you trust your partner. If DH randomly asked me to do something out of the ordinary I would trust he had a good reason and ask him about it at a suitable time.

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 18:12

Remember that OP is accompanying him as a favour to him

She does it because she likes the ride back with him alone. Means she gets to spend more time with him. I hardly doubt he twisted her arm up her back.

Just like the kids like to spend time with him.

Tbh she shouldn’t have been encroaching on his last bit of time with them anyway - especially if she has issues with them anyway.

GreenTulips · 20/01/2020 18:13

Why would you tag along and sit in the back to keep him company on a journey you don’t have to go on?

OP was being kind. DP was not.

I’m glad she stood up for herself and not allow herself to be treated like crap.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 18:15

How is asking her to do him a favour treating her like crap? If it was every time she had to sit there so the kids could sit upfront I could understand but as a one off?

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 20/01/2020 18:17

YANBU OP.

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 18:23

Why would you tag along and sit in the back to keep him company on a journey you don’t have to go on?

Because she probably enjoyed the ride back with him. It shouldn’t be a chore to sit with your boyfriend in a car for sixty minutes.

I don’t think she was treated like shit. She isn’t royalty. I really doubt her boyfriend was trying to show her up or make her feel shit. He just probably turned up and just thought she’d get in and off they’d go. And yeah it was her choice to refuse to get in. I just think she could have handled it better with out letting the kids know she was pissed off because they were sat in her perceived space.

When you make yourself in direct competition with DSC there is always going to be upset - that’s why I think this situation should have been merited on it own rather than a - kids in front yay or nay?

Either way she’s shown her cards.

love121212love · 20/01/2020 18:29

Seriously you need to chill out. You just made a problem over nothing. Talk about setting yourself up to be the wicked stepmother!

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 18:29

Very well said PGtips

AmItheonlyonewingingit · 20/01/2020 18:42

OP seems to have an issue with DPs youngest child, few comments about her behaviour and him enabling her. Perhaps OP his daughter has some things she struggles with and a more empathic attitude would be a better approach, she's a child, managing two homes and dads new girlfriend. Taking issue with her over her behaviour isn't going to do you any favours in the long term, neither is criticising your boyfriends parenting.

You were petty and ridiculous, sounds like there's an underlying issue.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 18:49

tbh I probably would decide not to go as well because I get really nauseous sitting in the back and it wasn't a necessary journey so I wouldn't put myself through it

Yeah but you'd probably have said "oh no worries. I get car sick so you carry on without me if DD wants to sit in the front. I'll catch you later"

Not stomp your feet because you're such a grown up

FelicisNox · 20/01/2020 18:50

I'm going to just say the thing you're not supposed to say.

YANBU or petty and unlike the majority I know where you're coming from. Unless you've been in this position you just don't get it.

As mentioned, there is already an underlying issue with his DD. The problem now is that you've shown her how to get under your skin.

Think long and hard if you really want this relationship in the long term because his guilt is going nowhere and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is not a fight you can win.

11 year olds know exactly what they're doing at that age (hence why, in a court of law they are deemed to know their own mind) and if you move in with him your life won't be worth living, he will always take their side and contrary to what everyone on here will tell you he should NOT be doing that... they will grow up and move away and he will have condemned himself to a life on his own.

He has no boundaries because of his guilt and that is a road to nowhere.

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 18:57

@Biancadelrioisback that's all speculation in your post

@PGtipsplease

She does it because she likes the ride back with him alone. Means she gets to spend more time with him. I hardly doubt he twisted her arm up her back.

But OP says I'm not bothered about going - he likes me to go along as it means he has company on the way back.. You are inferring something that is not there.

Tbh she shouldn’t have been encroaching on his last bit of time with them anyway - especially if she has issues with them anyway.

Again, she tried to do a nice thing for her DP. She didn't want to go.

And she doesn't have issues with his dds, she has a problem with his Disney Dad tendencies, and rightly so.

lyralalala · 20/01/2020 18:57

11 year olds know exactly what they're doing at that age

The 11 year old was sat in the back so hardly relevant?

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 19:04

Highonpotandused the OP would be getting some benefit from this too. Are you telling me she would get no benefit from spending time with boyfriend?

Maybe she should be such a martyr?

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 19:08

@PGtipsplease How is it the same benefit? The benefit for him is clear, he needs to drop his kids off. That is not a benefit for OP. And OP has said she's not bothered about going. The benefit for him is he doesn't want to do the journey alone.

Given the choice between accompanying someone on a car ride on a cold afternoon or being at home, I know what I would choose.

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 19:21

High You’d rather stay at home but op obviously doesn’t - other wise she wouldn’t go.

She goes because she wants to. She’s already shown she quite capable of saying no when something doesn’t suit her.

She does get benefit because because she wants to go - which means she enjoys it - which means she gets benefit off it too. And rightly so! You should enjoy spending time with your boyfriend otherwise what’s the point?

She’s hardly falling on her sword is she and that’s why the ‘doing a favour’ doesn’t wash.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 19:22

Of course my post is speculative, as are most here. I'd rather think there was a reason for this sudden change in the rules than automatically assume the child was an entitled brat or he was a Disney dad or a shitty partner. He changed the rules once. One time. And people are telling OP to leave him without knowing anymore info? Utter madness!

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 19:25

@PGtipsplease

I think that as OP says she's not bothered about going then she is going as a favour to him. Like when DH ran out of diesel in torrential rain. I didn't want to rescue him, but it was the kind thing to do.

We are going round in circles now

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 19:27

Are you saying she rescuing him from him own kids?

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 19:27

@Biancadelrioisback OP comes across as quite switched on to me so I believe her rather than speculation from posters. I think she has the measure of this Disney Dad.

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