to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

[Fauxfurrealwhiskey]

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

It depends. I’m 5’8 and there are very few cars with enough leg room for an adult for an hour. If it was 5 minutes, fine but otherwise, I’d have declined as well.

What was the purpose of the car trip? To return his daughters after a visit. Did the girlfriend need to tag along? No. Therefore the purpose of the trip should be the indicator. The purpose, was for the DC. Not for the girlfriend.

Saphfire, are you going to acknowledge at any point that OP (who had been invited to go by her boyfriend, for his benefit alone) reached the same conclusion as you and, in fact, didn't go? You seem determined to make it the case that OP was attempting to encroach unbidden on the journey, when the opposite was true.

Of course you were being unreasonable. How unnecessarily embarrassing for everyone involved.

@chamenanged That is completely irrelevant. It is the OP's entitlement, and the nasty way she expected the front seat, as well as the nasty way she she talks about her BF's children, that is the issue. She didn't go, only because one of the girls was in the front. Otherwise she wouldn't be posting on here. Obviously the BF thought his girlfriend might want to come along, so he thought he was doing it for her benefit as well. It is indeed ever so clear that the OP is used to encroaching on the family, and the one time, the one time she couldn't sit at the front as she was so used to getting her way with, she throws a passive-aggressive tantrum.

MN is a weird place.

Haven't read the whole thread, so missed the type of car it was...?

Adults tend to be bigger.

Kids tend to be smaller.

The back seats of cars tend to be smaller, less leg room.

Of course children should be in the back.

I wouldn't have stropped off though.

I dated someone whose child was always allowed to sit in the front- I had to squash in the back. Bloody weird.

Unless you are 6 to 7 foot or more tall, it shouldn't be too hard for an adult to sit in the back. Cars are designed for adults to sit in the back as well as children. This 'squashed' thing is pretty ridiculous. Unless people are talking about a tiny car, they're exaggerating. A normal sized adult human being can sit in the back easily. That's what cars are designed for.

Do you routinely consider invited guests of sentient adults to be 'encroaching on the family'? It must make life hard if so - can't imagine how annoying one would find a wedding, for instance, where there can easily be a hundred of said encroachers believing themselves welcome by dint of receiving an invitation, and having no inkling that you're considering them all to have a misplaced sense of entitlement by turning up. Or does the principle mainly apply to the girlfriends of fathers?

Are you usually unable to make a distinction between a father driving for the purpose of taking his children somewhere and saying hey hop in for a drive if you want, to a girlfriend; and a wedding seating with name placements? You must be taking the piss, surely.

I’d be more concerned about it being potentially dangerous for a child to sit in the front seat. Aren’t they supposed to have a booster seat - and therefore sit in the back (as boosters won’t go in front seats) - until they’re about 12 or reach a certain height? Is this an exceptionally tall 9yo?

I'm with you on this one, OP. Children should sit in the back, not least because it is safer but as you say, it's also good manners. Children need to learn they can't get everything their way, however, I'm not sure this is worth the hassle?

I don't know if I would have had the courage to say something then and there though; I think I would have said something later to DP when the children weren't present. Good to know that it didn't turn nasty nor was a scene made though.

Why are people making up absolute nonsense about cars having enough space for adults to be comfortable for an hour in the back unless they're incredibly tall? That isn't true of most cars. It's true of some cars, the models most commonly chosen by mini cab drivers and some luxury cars though not sporty luxury cars, but certainly not most.

The front seat has more legroom but is unsafe for anyone under 5 foot tall and for anyone with an immature skeleton. It's also less safe than the back for absolutely everyone, the front seat passenger is most likely to die or suffer life changing injuries in any crash.

Anyone knowing that (which parents should) and putting their 9 year old in the front seat (no matter what the 9 year old wants) is a fairly poor parent on multiple levels.

In manners terms, the eldest lady who is not driving sits in the front seat. So my DM or DMIL always rides shotgun, and has her door opened and closed for her by the youngest in the party. The doors are usually bigger so it's easier if the older passenger isn't very mobile.

Some people are batshit. But I'll get on with teaching the baby how to open the car door

You may be the adult but your behaviour is childish

Op never came back then 🙄.

It’s more about the power struggle that’s significant than the seat I think. I can’t see how this relationship will work.

I’ve put myself in the shoes of all of you and feel like I wouldn’t be happy with this on regular basis but this sounds like a one off.

If need to find a partner who got on better with my children I think.

Are you usually unable to make a distinction between a father driving for the purpose of taking his children somewhere and saying hey hop in for a drive if you want, to a girlfriend; and a wedding seating with name placements?

No, and nor am I now, as you know; it's just that you seem confused about the nature of an invitation, because you seem to believe the OP was unwelcome all along despite being invited, which is just bizarre. You specifically describe her as 'encroaching

Haven’t rtft but isn’t it safer for children to be in the back anyway?

Posted too soon - you specifically describe her as 'encroaching' even though she was wanted there by a minimum of one member of the party and I wonder why; is it because you don't understand the concept of an invitation or is it because you think the girlfriends of men with children are encroaching by default?

Such a small thing to get wound up about! I often travel in the back of our family car, as youngest dd is not always good in the car! I really can't get wound up about it.

The back seat seems to be designed as an afterthought in many cars, particularly hatchbacks. It's designed for use by children with short legs, or occasional use by adult passengers. Yes, if you have a large saloon car, it might be fine, but how many people have that type of car as a family car? Most people go for something where the back seat can be folded down if needed.

if we use height as an indicator as to who sits where, then my 6ft 5 teen should drive, my 6ft 2 20 year old in front passenger seat, and dh and I in the back. So it’s not always a straight forward case of who sits where depending on age and/or height.

Redonion123 if your teenager is 6 foot 5 and you're 5 foot 6 (and going on DH's height and current pre pubescent heirs of my son's this is highly likely to happen in our family too in 5 or 6 years time) then indeed the 6 foot 5 teenager should sit in the front, as by the time they're that tall they're skeletally mature too and as safe in the front as an adult.

It's common sense that if someone has very significantly longer legs they are allocated the seat with most legroom (as it's common sense that only someone with a driving license drives!)

*heights not heirs!

Sorry, who’s the 9 year old here?

The safety question isn’t really relevant here, as the OP made no suggestion she was concerned for the child’s safety. Her issue was simply that she didn’t want to sit in the back and felt ‘disrespected’.