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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 20/01/2020 08:19

@TigerOnATrain

Searched for updates and no results for the OP. Assumed that meant the account was not in use.

Gottobefree · 20/01/2020 08:25

She was there first obviously. It might be a nice experience to sit with her father in the front seat for once! You would of only had to sit in the back for half the journey until they were dropped off, then you sit in the front.
It sounded like you were the spoilt tantrum child this time. How embarrassing for your partner

QuarterMileAtATime · 20/01/2020 09:10

Children need to learn they can't get everything their way
So they don’t grow into adults like the OP?

Fowles94 · 20/01/2020 09:20

You sound like a child, I couldn't go out with someone as petty as you.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/01/2020 09:41

Yea it's not a battle I'd pick

Me neither. If I could not sit next to my DP having adult conversation (whilst also talking to the kids in the back), I'd say fuck that, go inside, draw a nice perfumed bath and relax on my childfree night with a special tipple of whatever took my fancy. I'd also suggest to DP that he let me know sooner, not later, if he was going to appear for a romantic evening with take-out and a nice bottle of red on a childfree evening (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) or if I should invest in a good book or a movie by myself, whilst enjoying the childfree peace and quiet. Next time, I'd say 'front seat or I won't come', because, frankly, it's not worth it.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/01/2020 10:03

While airbags are meant to protect adults from harm in a car crash, they can't protect children sitting in the front seat. As a result, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that all children ages 13 and under buckle up in the back seat for safety

Can a 12 year old sit in the front seat?
Buckle all children aged 12 and under in the back seat
Airbags can kill young children riding in the front seat

He just needs to google this to understand that children under 13 should not travel in the front seat of a car!

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 11:39

Me neither. If I could not sit next to my DP having adult conversation (whilst also talking to the kids in the back), I'd say fuck that, go inside, draw a nice perfumed bath and relax on my childfree night with a special tipple of whatever took my fancy. I'd also suggest to DP that he let me know sooner, not later, if he was going to appear for a romantic evening with take-out and a nice bottle of red on a childfree evening (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) or if I should invest in a good book or a movie by myself, whilst enjoying the childfree peace and quiet. Next time, I'd say 'front seat or I won't come', because, frankly, it's not worth it.

Exactly. If I was going somewhere to keep someone company then I would expect to be in the front seat with them otherwise why do they want me to go at all? He wasn't doing her a favour giving her a lift somewhere. Also, I always feel sick in the back so if it wasn't necessary for me to go then I'd rather stay home and not feel ill for no good reason

Mia1415 · 20/01/2020 11:51

YABVU

The daughter was spending time with her Dad. She wanted to sit with her Dad and presumably talk on the way home. You were only going to keep him company on the way back. She was in the car first.

In my opinion you have made yourself look utterly ridiculous.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 11:53

You were only going to keep him company on the way back.

So she's doing him a favour and it has to be all on his terms? Sit back there until I'm bored Woman!! hahahaha fuck that

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/01/2020 11:54

You were only going to keep him company on the way back. She was in the car first

And the OP decided that on her precious childfree evening she didn't like that arrangement. Good for her!

101waystoworry · 20/01/2020 12:01

A little bit old fashioned definitely. You cannot kick a child out of a seat because you want to sit in it. If you wouldn't do it to any other adult, don't do it to a child, no matter how old they are. _

antisupermum · 20/01/2020 12:02

I 100% agree the OP on this one. Bog standard when I was growing up that adults sit in the front. I tell my children to move if we are collecting adults. Well, I did once or twice and they do it automatically now.
Its the same idea where they sit on the floor at family parties if there aren't enough seats. I'm hardly gonna make Great Aunt Mildred to deck it on the floor because my 10 year old "called dibs"!

Its about teaching respect for your elders and I'm afraid that "calling shotgun" doesn't come into that.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 12:04

@antisupermum wholeheartedly agree.

avocadotofu · 20/01/2020 12:10

Ummm what?! Surely it doesn't matter to an adult who sits in the front seat?!

SwishSwishSheesh · 20/01/2020 12:23

Grin Grin Grin gotta love a quality Mumsnet bunfight over nothing!

anothernamejeeves · 20/01/2020 12:53

And the OP decided that on her precious childfree evening she didn't like that arrangement. Good for her!

If child free time is so precious don't date a man with kids?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 12:55

If child free time is so precious don't date a man with kids?

What a stupid statement

anothernamejeeves · 20/01/2020 12:56

Just love how on here people piss their pants when a man does put his kids first but oh my the uproar if he doesn't (and it's your kids he doesn't put first!)

Can you just imagine the reverse
'DD came back from her dads really upset today as when he was bringing her back he stopped to pick up his new girlfriend who made her move out of the seat she was comfortably in for a while before. DD now feels she comes behind her fathers new girlfriend

anothernamejeeves · 20/01/2020 12:57

What's stupid about it? Someone who has kids will put their kids first (if they are decent) especially if their contact is limited

anothernamejeeves · 20/01/2020 12:58

Exactly. If I was going somewhere to keep someone company then I would expect to be in the front seat with them otherwise why do they want me to go at all? He wasn't doing her a favour giving her a lift somewhere. Also, I always feel sick in the back so if it wasn't necessary for me to go then I'd rather stay home and not feel ill for no good reason

He is dropping his child off from contact. An activity that should be about his kids not the new girlfriend

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 12:58

@anothernamejeeves no one has pissed their pants. How unsurprisingly vulgar.

anothernamejeeves · 20/01/2020 13:00

Nooooo sounds like it....

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 13:03

I'd love to know DP's response once he'd dropped his kids off and realised how much of a child OP is.

Scarsthelot · 20/01/2020 13:04

I'm hardly gonna make Great Aunt Mildred to deck it on the floor because my 10 year old "called dibs"!

I didnt realise OP was ab older person who isnt ablebto get in and out of the back seat.

Because that's what you are comparing to. I would imagine great aunt Mildred would struggle to get on or off the floor would need a seat.

Would you make a your child move cause great aunt Mildred wanted that particular seat. Despite there being lots of seats available, no reason for her to what the seat the child has she just wants it because she thinks its respectful to move for an adult and because that chair is special. When it's actually just another seat.

Op, simply wanted the seat and has decided that's the seat of respect.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 13:59

What's stupid about it? Someone who has kids will put their kids first (if they are decent) especially if their contact is limited

Ok? That's not what I was saying was stupid though, the part of your post I highlighted was If child free time is so precious don't date a man with kids?

Like you can't value childfree time and also have children/a partner with children (The OP has children too as far as I can tell from her OP)

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