Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
onegiftedgal · 20/01/2020 14:03

You're correct op. Adults/ oldest gets front seat priority. She sounds a spoilt madam and he needs to sort it out.

ToftyAC · 20/01/2020 14:04

When I have my eldest DS (who is nearly 18) my DP always lets him ride shotgun with me. The way he sees it is that I only have limited time with him, so its that extra bit of 1:1 time to chat (even if DP and DS2 are in the back). This has always been the case since my DS1 was around 10/11 years old. As such, I think you're being hugely unreasonable. Yes, OK, as the one who left, of course you get a bit of residual guilt and let your DCs get away with a bit more than usual, but its only for a short time per week so what's the problem?

Lizzie0869 · 20/01/2020 14:08

I think I would have been more sympathetic if your AIBU had been simply to feel offended about this. I've never sat in the back when my DDs are in the car, unless it's been for DM or MIL.

You're not their mum, so he's right to prioritise his DC when it's his contact time with them. And making someone change to the back is unreasonable IMO.

But you basically threw a hissy fit about it, with behaviour that reminds me of my DDs of 10 and 7. Hmm

okiedokieme · 20/01/2020 14:11

The only thing that concerns me is why a 9 year old is in the front, I thought the law was 12 unless in an approved car seat. Mine were not allowed for sure on safety grounds

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 14:14

And making someone change to the back is unreasonable IMO.

Really isn't though, I've often told my son to move in the back If I'm picking up another adult, infact I wouldn't even have to tell him he'd just automatically do it, he still knows I like him more than everyone else who sits there...........

Lizzie0869 · 20/01/2020 14:18

Not to get them to move into the back in the context you describe, no, I've done that myself many times. But it isn't the OP's place to insist in this situation. I think her DH should have told his DD to sit in the back, as that's good manners and what I would do.

What the OP should have done is talk to her DH about it calmly later, not just stormed off.

Urkiddingright · 20/01/2020 14:19

I think YANBU. The only time I have sat in the back seat in adulthood is after my DC were first born and I didn’t want to leave them alone or in a taxi. I hate it in the back, it makes me feel squashed and child-like. I would do it if there was another adult in the front but not a child.

Urkiddingright · 20/01/2020 14:19

Also children should be in the back until they’re 12 anyway.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 14:23

What the OP should have done is talk to her DH about it calmly later, not just stormed off.

tbh I probably would decide not to go as well because I get really nauseous sitting in the back and it wasn't a necessary journey so I wouldn't put myself through it

Lizzie0869 · 20/01/2020 14:30

And I've wrongly thought that he was her DH, because I would never have thought that a girlfriend he was dating would assume that she took precedence during his limited contact time with his DC.

Just see him when it isn't his contact time. Confused

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 14:43

@Lizzie0869 you do get that her DP asked her to come along and keep him company right

I’m sure OP had better things to do then tag along with him to drop his children home.

And OP says there was not big row or anything’, so how do you interpret that to her storming off?

Comprehension levels on this thread are dire.

EngiNerd · 20/01/2020 15:09

Super petty behaviour from you OP. She was there first. You get the front seat on the way back. It's also a way for him to spend just a tiny bit more time close to her before they separate for a while. Have some compassion and learn to compromise a little. It goes a long way.

Shopkinsdoll · 20/01/2020 15:18

My god that’s petty. I used to sit in the back when my partner dropped his son of years ago. Fast forward years later and I have my own children. I sometimes race my son out to the car as we wants to sit in the front with his dad. No big deal.

WarrenNicole · 20/01/2020 15:18

@Highonpotandused I think it’s less to do with comprehension levels and more to do with people losing all sense of reason whenever a stepmum (or dad’s girlfriend - as apparently this poster “isn’t even a stepmum”) posts on MNs.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 15:50

At 5"2 I can very easily and comfortably fit in the back.
I often ride in the back so I can chat to DS(3).
If we go and pick my mam up and DH and I are occupying the front seats, she sits in the back with DS. It's absolutely not a respect thing, we just fill up from the front and often couples sit together. I am not bothered either way where I sit in a car, except the middle back seat cos my arse is too wide that the seatbelt buckles dig in.

I would find it very weird for someone to expect my child to shift out there way purely because they were a child. They are a small human, just a smaller, younger version of you. I wouldn't let DS make life changing decisions but if I, as a parent, evaluates something and decide to let my child do something (so in the OPs case, the dad decided to let the child sit in the front) I would not appreciate someone else coming along and trying to override me.

champagneandfromage50 · 20/01/2020 16:11

Funny that it's only the woman sitting in the back seat. All of those saying I don't mind and my DC likes sitting in the front with his dad. Don't any of you drive or is that the role of a man in your home? Assuming you do I take it your DH doesn't mind sitting in the back either ? Not all men are over 6ft! Very bizarre thread.....

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 16:19

@WarrenNicole agreed!

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 16:22

@champagneandfromage50

When we take my 70yo mum out my tall DH often sits in the back and asks my mum to sit in the front, out of respect for her age (even though mum doesn't mind where she sits).

champagneandfromage50 · 20/01/2020 16:27

Highonpotandused I am not suggesting it doesn't happen. It's just that on this thread where folks are bleating on about treating the DC as equal it's funny that it's the woman who talk about sitting in the back to let there DC sit with there dad. So it seems only mothers are doing it. I would sit in the back to let my mum in the front and my DH would do the same if I was driving as it's respectful.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 16:32

I hope the OP comes back with an update on the follow up conversation with her DP

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 16:50

My DH does all the driving in our house. Is that a problem?

BloggersNetwork · 20/01/2020 17:21

This is not a female/male issue
This is about an adult trying to assert power and control over a child
I believe OP's behaviour was beyond pathetic

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 17:26

This is about an adult trying to assert power and control over a child

Oh ffs, get a grip, it is not. The vast majority of people I know would make their kids sit in the back to let an adult sit in the front. Mumsnet is weirdly out of touch with reality sometimes

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 17:30

@champagneandfromage50 oh I totally agree, I thought I was sort of proving your point, that even a tall man may vacate the front seat for someone older than him and sit in the back.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 17:30

In this situation, the OP's DP always tells the child to sit in the back, but on this occasion he asked OP to. OP refused without finding out why. If you think about it you might come to same conclusion that perhaps on this occasion the DP was making an exception to the usual rule for a reason? I doubt it was to be seen as a 'disney dad' whatever the hell that is. Could it be something had happened earlier in the day? I mean, probably. People don't tend to just change something so random (such as letting a 9yo sit in the front one day) for absolutely no reason, do they?