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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
Ivyr0se · 18/01/2020 16:47

YABU

For safety I would prefer a 9 year old in the back but it sounds like you felt like you had the right to sit up front.

Perhaps its subconscious but that could be seen as this is my place next to your dad, yours is in the back.

I hope he left you to it and prioritized his kids.

CalamityJune · 18/01/2020 16:48

I'm a bit embarrassed for you OP.

At most you could have had a quiet word about it after the daughter had gone, but spitting your dummy out about not sitting in the front seat for a few minutes right in front of her makes you sound really pathetic.

Once past the age of child's car seats, I'd expect the car to be filled up from the front. If you were all leaving the house at once, then yes, you would expect the adults to sit at the front but if she was already sitting there, I don't think she, or anyone, would need to move to accommodate you.

QuixoticQuokka · 18/01/2020 16:48

Would you travel in the back if another adult was in the front, or would that be unreasonable due to car sickness or any other reason? If you would willingly travel in the back if it wasn't a child in the front then YABU. Your DD2 may have wanted to be able to talk to her dad or just liked sitting in the front like you do, and she was there first.

My teen has had priority in the front seat of my car since coming out of a booster seat at age 10 as he feels sick in the back seat. He will sit in the back if someone needs the front more than him, like his great grandmother.

BlouseAndSkirt · 18/01/2020 16:48

I didn't let my kids sit in the front aged 9 anyway.

But:

he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo be careful not to be judgy and pursed lipped about his parenting.

Lauriepop95 · 18/01/2020 16:48

YABU

how is it a sign of respect Grin

DramaAlpaca · 18/01/2020 16:48

I agree with you, OP.

Even now, if DH comes to pick me up and one of our young adult DC is in the front passenger seat, they will hop out and let me sit in the front.

To me it's just basic good manners and respect.

MissBax · 18/01/2020 16:48

Children should be in the back and adults in the front

Christ alive, I'm glad I was raised in a family where children and parents were family equals. The op isn't even living with the dad, and she's expected to be priority over his own kids that he doesn't even see full time and they live an hour away?!
These responses are batty!

Surplus2requirements · 18/01/2020 16:49

What a ridiculous thing to make an issue out of.

Mind you a few months ago I had my parents and uncle (80's) in the back of my car and my sister in the front. It did feel a little odd...

Especially when I had to tell them to stop bickering HmmGrin

TreeLinedMotorway · 18/01/2020 16:49

YADNBU I’m surprised at the amount of posters who say they’d sit in the back!

Sonichu · 18/01/2020 16:49

Look forward to the inevitable drip feed about all the other terrible things he's done.

JonSlow · 18/01/2020 16:49

I’m with the OP. Adults in the front, children in the back.

Original poster
Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:49

In the past when he's turned up, his DD has jumped into the back at his request before I got in (that's what I assumed would happen again today). Usually reluctantly/sulkily though. She has form for behaving like that and he mostly enables it.

Yes I could've just got in the back but it just feels disrespectful to me and like it sets the wrong precedent. I'm not a diva or a princess as some have claimed. I just think it's about manners and respect.

I imagine we'll have a proper talk about it when he gets back and hopefully sort it out.

Thanks for the opinions.

OP posts:
EmrysAtticus · 18/01/2020 16:50

I wouldn't allow it from a safety perspective. Children are safest in the back and unless over 135com she should be in a car seat.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/01/2020 16:50

So now your DH has to explain to his DD why they came to pick you up and you decided to have a strop.

He'll be pissed off with you for trying to cause trouble in the little time he had left with his daughter, and rightly so.

What happens in 5 years when his eldest is an adult too?

Grow up.

Battytwatty · 18/01/2020 16:51

Of course you should have been in the front!!
You are the adult, since when has it been any different. Perhaps this is why we have a culture of entitled children

MissBax · 18/01/2020 16:52

Why couldn't you have sat in the back with his other daughter and had a good chat and a laugh? You've probably made her feel like shit.

BlouseAndSkirt · 18/01/2020 16:52

As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child

Did the Dc hear you? I bet they did. Now they know they have leverage between you. Really not helpful if the youngest is, as you say, spoilt. You could have spoken to him about it afterwards, or in planning the next trip and he could have presented it to his Dds as your turn. Or have discovered safety rules.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 18/01/2020 16:52

Is she tall enough to be as safe in the front as the back? Is there an airbag? People under 1 meter 50 are safer in the back if the airbag can't be disabled.

Whoever is tallest/ has longest legs goes in the front passenger seat because it's uncomfortable in the back of many cars for adults.

Scarsthelot · 18/01/2020 16:53

What precedent does it set?

ShakeItUp · 18/01/2020 16:53

I'm trying and failing to imagine how I would feel if I were driving somewhere with my kids in the car, and I had a boyfriend who stomped off in a sulk because he couldn't sit in the front!
I think extremely pissed off with my boyfriend for expecting me to put him before my kids would best describe it.
He would be an ex boyfriend before he even got back up his garden path.

Battytwatty · 18/01/2020 16:53

Yes someone up thread has nailed it. It’s basic manners and RESPECT for the child to move into the back

katmandoo · 18/01/2020 16:53

Yanbu
I love how many people here dislike the new women in ex's life they are prepared to overlook the fact a 9 year old child is likely to be too short to travel without a child seat and if she is too short and under 12 it is also illegal to travel in the front.

Itwasntme1 · 18/01/2020 16:53

It was still part of her time with her dad. She wanted to sot beside him. Totally understandable.

I think you are being a little self important. It might be best not to go on this journey - let the kids have the time with their dad.

pollydolly123 · 18/01/2020 16:53

Not being unreasonable at all OP, adults get priority! My dad still tells me to shift over if I sit in his spot on the sofa when I visit home and I'm 22! Grin

nokidshere · 18/01/2020 16:54

If she wasn't in a seat or booster she shouldn't have been in the front anyway unless she is exceptionally tall for her age.

I wouldn't travel in the back unless it was because someone else was travel sick or similar.