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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 17:05

Nope... I would have declined to sit in the back seat too.. FUCK THAT carry on OP... Flowers

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/01/2020 17:05

@Sandsnake DP and his DD were already in the car, by the way I read the OP.

She said they went to pick OP up.

Skysblue · 18/01/2020 17:06

If you usually travel in the front and this time his 9yo insisted on taking the front seat before you got in, sounds like she’s trying to compete with you for her dad’s attention. So I think you possibly did the right thing not getting in the back and letting her win - although I suppose she actually succeeded in stopping you coming at all so she may feel she’s won.

They don’t get much time with their dad, an hour drive stuck in the back is boring for them, I’d suggest he do the trips with just the kids in future, they can take turns sitting in front and getting some dad chat and you can see him another time.

I do think it’s weird and also impolite to expect an adult to go in the back with a child in front. Adult legs are longer etc. If she asked both of you and you agreed that would be different.

nokidshere · 18/01/2020 17:06

My 18 & 21 yr olds would never get into the front if another adult was travelling with the driver even now. If,they are in the front with me and I am picking a friend up (even one of their friends) they always offer them the front seat. Just basic manners.

Unless they are driving of course, then the front passenger seat is always mine regardless of who else is getting into the car Wink

Original poster
Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 17:06

Antigonads I'm not bothered about going - he likes me to go along as it means he has company on the way back.

I don't impinge on his time with them otherwise, I stay at mine and leave them to it as I understand how important it is for them to have time alone with their Dad. I also don't weigh in on his parenting choices as we don't live together and it's none of my business. But he does have Disney dad tendencies and I'd be lying if I said that doesn't concern me a little.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 18/01/2020 17:06

Yanbu op.

Alte · 18/01/2020 17:06

YABU. If you were getting in at the same time, obviously you should’ve been in the front, but she was there first.

angelmum6 · 18/01/2020 17:07

I had a stepmum who behaved in this way. I moved in with my Dad after some persuading from him, id been bought up by my grandparents and felt guilty for him so I went. She ended up stripping me of everything, I wasn't allowed decent shampoo or toothpaste, I had my nice mattress my grandparents had bought me replaced with a cheap thin one and I wasn't allowed steak or seafood like I had been previously because I was a child.

I lasted there a year and aged 12, my Nan and Grandad came to collect me after I called them at 1am crying because she'd taken my bedside light away so I couldn't read at 10pm. This was summer holidays.

I remember feeling very anxious around her, I heard her say nasty things about me to my Dad and she made me feel worthless.

Don't do that to your partners kids, they are human beings and she was in the front already enjoying being next to her Dad. Especially to start a fuss and mention it in front of her and then not to go on the journey must of made her feel really awkward.

My Dad's relationship with her didn't last very long after I moved back in with my Grandparents.

Original poster
Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 17:08

Re: the height issue she's small for her age and sits on a booster. I've idea of her actual height.

OP posts:
willothewispa · 18/01/2020 17:08
  • Children should be in the back and adults in the front

Christ alive, I'm glad I was raised in a family where children and parents were family equals*

They are equals here but children are safer in the back. If they are taller then it's different but at nine they should be in the back. Personally I always sit in the front and refuse to sit in the back but I have a cast iron reason for that so refuse to compromise.

JulesJules · 18/01/2020 17:09

Kids in the back, adults in the front. There's more room in the front for an adult, and it's safer for kids to be in the back.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 18/01/2020 17:10

Why were you getting picked up to take her back to her mams if you dont even live together. That's her time to spend with her dad and totally alters the dynamic if dads gf is there. She was in the front likely to talk to her df and spend quality time with him.

onanothertrain · 18/01/2020 17:10

You say you're an adult but you certainly don't act like one. I'd expect your DP to put his kids before a GF of 2 years. Do you always encroach on his time with them?

Cillmantain · 18/01/2020 17:10

YABVU
His daughter was there first.
You could have got in the front on the way back.

TheVanguardSix · 18/01/2020 17:11

YABU.
This is just a blatant power struggle you wished to create.
I hopped in the back seat the other day when I decided at the last minute to join DH and the kids on the trip into town. It didn't even occur to me to tell our eldest to move from the front seat. He was there first.

JKScot4 · 18/01/2020 17:13

Small and on a booster, definitely in the back, dad needs to put safety before pandering.

underneaththeash · 18/01/2020 17:13

I'm with you OP - children sit in the back when there are adults in the car. It's disrespectful to expect you to sit in the back.

nokidshere · 18/01/2020 17:14

Christ alive, I'm glad I was raised in a family where children and parents were family equals

Equal what?

My boys have always had a voice, they are always listened to, and their opinions always respected. That doesn't mean the answer is always yes. I am the parent, I have the deciding vote.

1Morewineplease · 18/01/2020 17:14

Gosh! I really don’t think that you handled that situation very well and you ended up looking like a spoiled child yourself.
Sorry.
If my husband picks me up from work and he’s dropping either of our children off too, en route, then the child ( admittedly older than yours’) would be in the front seat and I’d just get in the back.
What’s the harm?

Doyoumind · 18/01/2020 17:15

You are hard work and, far from being the adult here, childish.

HannaYeah · 18/01/2020 17:15

Normally I’d agree with adults in front, children in back.

But the purpose of the trip is to take her back to her Mom’s and OP is just going along for the ride. That’s why I think the DD, having already been in the front should get to stay there and visit with her father.

Any other trip and I would see the OP’s point.

Pompei36 · 18/01/2020 17:15

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

That one ⬆️ All young kids have a obsession with sitting in the front .

Episcomama · 18/01/2020 17:15

I completely agree with you, OP, and I'd have done the same.

Defenestratethecat · 18/01/2020 17:15

Kids in the back, adults in the front. Practicalities, i.e. adults are bigger, not as agile if car is a 3 door etc, safety, and also courtesy (like giving up seats on bus etc.). Kids are not second class citizens, but they ride in the back.

DesLynamsMoustache · 18/01/2020 17:16

I think it's very weird to want someone to get out of a car they're already in and change to a different seat. That seems more like bad manners to me!