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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

229 replies

littlemisspigg · 18/01/2020 11:59

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

OP posts:
BoxedWine · 18/01/2020 12:01

You say 'over'. Is he abroad? Where?

CodenameVillanelle · 18/01/2020 12:01

Does he have care needs? Why does he need to live with you?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/01/2020 12:02

Start with why it will be you doing the cooking etc.

If your DH. wants this to work then he is going to have to start doing the things you all seem to assume is 'wife work'.

Palavah · 18/01/2020 12:02

How is the paid/unpaid work at home shared between you just now? Has your OH discussed with his father or with you how chores will be shared? And what financial contribution will be made?

LemonBreeland · 18/01/2020 12:02

You do not have to accept your FIL moving in. Unless your DH is willing to take on all of the looking after I would not even consider it, and even then would be wary. I also think that your DC need to be thought of in this. It is not a great time to disrupt their lives either.

Why is it expected that your FIL will come to stay?

Chamomileteaplease · 18/01/2020 12:03
  1. Say, sorry no.
  1. Ask your husband how he intends looking after his dad seeing as you are not going to.
  1. Ask your husband how he thinks the dynamic of having his dad to live in your house will impact the family and what does he think of all the problems there will be.
  1. Talk kindly with him about how his dad can be helped in his own home.
  1. Ensure you do not get to do all the work with any of this.

If he came to live with you it would probably be the end of your marriage let's face it. With resentment being top reason why.

Whynosnowyet · 18/01/2020 12:03

I would be tell dh he needs to brush up on his cooking skills.
Sorry but why would you be responsible for fil moving in?
Sounds like your time is well spoken for already. Is dh's?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 18/01/2020 12:04

Well if he does come and stay even temporarily you do need to have limits about what you can provide. For example surely he doesn't need special home cooked meals just for him? He doesn't need entertaining constantly? What are the alternatives? Could he live nearby? Does he have care needs? Can he manage to live independently?

Bibijayne · 18/01/2020 12:04

Surely if your DH wants him to move in, your DH needs to have a plan for how HE will be looking after his dad without expecting you to pick up the extra caring responsibilities? Is his dad going to pay rent/ utilities? Is his dad able to make his own meals? Does his dad need special care? In which case is there a social work adult care plan in place? Do you have a suitable spare bedroom and potentially private downstairs lounge and adapted bathroom for him? If not, how will these changes to your home be funded?

Your DH (and you, but mainly your DH) needs to have this thought through before any decision can be made to move in FIL. 'Don't know,' or 'I hoped you could do it,' are not acceptable answers.

HollowTalk · 18/01/2020 12:05

How far away does he live at the moment?

By 'long term' do you mean for good?

MamaGee09 · 18/01/2020 12:06

Is he healthy and able to look after himself? Does he have health concerns?

Just because mil has passed away doesn’t mean he is incapable of looking after himself unless he is unwell himself.

Ots not for me I could live with our parent again.

MamaGee09 · 18/01/2020 12:06

Couldn’t

UYScuti · 18/01/2020 12:06

Your marriage is a partnership of equals therefore father-in-law can only come and live with you if you are both happy about it
you clearly are not therefore he does not get his feet under the table

Inforthelonghaul · 18/01/2020 12:07

This would be a total no for me I’m afraid. What about your parents? If they saw him move in would they also plan to? If it’s because he will be lonely have you considered sheltered housing nearby. Close enough to pop by a couple of times a week and lunch at the weekend but not so close he’s deciding your meal plan.

MatildaTheCat · 18/01/2020 12:07

How do you prevent it? By saying no, unfortunately.

Having anyone living with you is a massive undertaking. I would agree to a visit but one with a clearly defined beginning and end and which fitted in with your life.

Sadly all couples will face a time when one or other is left alone but in most cases the kindest and best solution is to support them practically in coping alone.

YANBU. Not at all.

fedup21 · 18/01/2020 12:09

Why does it involve you cooking special meals? That doesn’t sound feasible.

Why does he need to come and live with you at all?

daisypond · 18/01/2020 12:09

Why would you have to cook special meals? Come over from where? Do you have space? What about bills? Does your FIL need care? Why can’t he stay where he is? Can he not cook?

exexpat · 18/01/2020 12:11

Does your FiL actually need care, or is there just some kind of cultural expectation that he needs to be in a household with a woman to look after him? How old is he? Would he be moving a long distance/from another country to live with you?

I would absolutely say no, personally (whether it was FiL or my own father) but maybe would suggest looking at options such as finding him a small flat (sheltered if necessary) near you so that your DH can offer him more support. Or arranging for extra help in terms of housekeeping/cooking in his existing location, and promising more regular visits.

Verily1 · 18/01/2020 12:12

Dh should be cooking for him!

mummmy2017 · 18/01/2020 12:14

Tell DH you refuse to do this.
That if his dad arrives he will be doing all the washing, cooking and entertainment, hospital visits and cleaning his dad's room.

AlwaysCheddar · 18/01/2020 12:15

No way.... get carers etc.

pigsDOfly · 18/01/2020 12:16

How old is FIL and why can't he live alone? Does he have special care needs?

Why does he need special meals cooked for him, does he have special dietary needs? If not then he will have to learn to eat what everyone else is eating.

And why, if he does have special dietary needs are you the one having to deal with it? Can he not cook for himself, or your DH cook for his father?

You say your DH needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his father; very easy for him to fulfill his 'moral obligations' when you're the one doing all the work.

Tell him if he wants to fulfill his moral obligations by bringing his father into your joint home, then he needs to step up and put in the effort to look after his father, whatever that involves.

It's not your job to carry everyone. It sounds as if you're already stretched to the limit.

GooseberryJam · 18/01/2020 12:18

As the pp have said there are many questions to ask. I'd also point out that if he comes and lives with you now it will be really difficult to get extra care later if he needs it as the default position will be that you do it. Plus does he own a property? That carries implications too.

Bluetrews25 · 18/01/2020 12:19

Get him a cleaner, show him how to use a microwave and a washer, and get him to order food online, or show him how a supermarket works. If he needs carers, then get the wheels in motion. He needs to get out more and make friends. You are not responsible for him, he is responsible for himself. Taking him in will make him dependent, helpless and shrink his world. Support, yes, but do not take him in and do everything for him - that will be the death of him and probably your DH you..

JeffreysWorkTrousers · 18/01/2020 12:20

Absolute blanket NO from me.

Even if he is in good health now he could have medical problems or early onset dementia in the next few months.

Why does he have to stay with you and why is it your responsibility to cook him special meals?

It is a deal breaker for me. No way, not now not ever.