FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

[littlemisspigg]

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

YWB Massively U to share a room with your children for an extended and uncertain period. It's unfair and unnecessary.

You haven't said, OP, how you and your OH will share the responsibility for him as well as your children and the household.

personally i think the food might be the least of your problems. Depending on his health, you might be caring for him in a much more indepth and personal way. You may need to get carers in when you are studying/at work. Can he get up the stairs....if not whats the solution? Who pays the health surcharge fee? Who takes him to hospital/doctors appointments? Who entertains him.....he cant just be expected to do nothing all day with no-one to talk to.

Anna a relative from abroad fell sick here and got a bill of about £600 for two nights under observation.

That’s a not complaint, just something to be aware of. I was a bit mystified that she didn’t have travel insurance but didn’t ask why!

Is your husband the only child? Or is he just the eldest and so expected to be the one to look after his father?

The more you write, the more this absolutely looks like a disaster in the making: you don't have a spare room, your FiL will not be entitled to NHS care for his chronic health problems, and he will be isolated and totally dependent on you for all social interactions. I don't think your marriage or your family will survive the stress of this.

You also don’t have room for him

What’s the problem with him staying where he is now?

If he has chronic health problems, would he even be able to stay, let alone for 6months?

I'd say no, from experience. It was awful, ruined my relationship with fil and my marriage broke down. I'd never ever do it again and we didn't have the end issues your facing such as no space. My daughters would be horrified sharing a bed with me and what about time with your husband. Equally I'd never live with my daughters as adults, I wouldn't do it to them

Even on a small remote village you'd be surprised at the community there is for the elderly. They'll be daily clubs and societies which are all very welcoming to older people (from anywhere in the world).

OP. Does your FiL under stand and accept that his chance of being allowed to migrate here permanently is minimal?

It seems like a huge undertaking to shift temporarily when no way is a chronically ill elderly unemployed person going to be given a longer term visa/residency.

You don't have the space for him to stay for a weekend never mind 6 months. You can't just kick your kids out of their rooms or sleep on the sofa for 6 months. This is just not feasible.

Why are you doing all the stressing about this and not your husband. The food is the least of your worries.

What about your marriage? Your husband sharing a bedroom with his dad for 6 months plus isn't going to do much for your relationship, not to mention the relationship with your children when you have to share their rooms. The simple fact is you dont have space. If you had a big house with a spare room and extra bathroom, perhaps it would be feasible, but it really really isn't!

People have 10 people in three bedroom houses. It's so smug and middle class to deny famIly shelter and family care due to not having a room for each separate person.

PP on here would rather have relatives suffering and homeless than disturb their 'perfect' pretentious lives.

I know of two widows who moved to be near their children, it did not work they lost their social circle and were very lonely. You are adding climate change, diet change and health care change to that mix. If your FIL were my friend I would say no tis madness.

Daisy do shut up.

"PP on here would rather have relatives suffering and homeless than disturb their 'perfect' pretentious lives."

Why would he be suffering & homeless?

I'd divorce before I let this happen.
Your DH will do fuck all. You know that.

Does FIL actually want to come or is DH just assuming he will ?
A sit down open frank conversation with Dh about the situation and logistics is needed I think..
Often elderly people prefer to be where their friends n community are...
it will also be a lot colder etc here

“It's so smug and middle class to deny famIly shelter and family care due to not having a room for each separate person.“

But he has a home!

In your haste to invent homelessness daisy you seem to have filtered out all the posts about visas and healthcare entitlement. Go and have a look at the criteria for adult dep relative visas and then also at the NHS charging regulations. The poster who said the food is the least of the issues here was correct.

Your 16 year old will be fine. Stop stressing about GCSEs. They're only GCSEs, a stepping stone to A levels and uni. Not a reason and you're just using it as an excuse not to have FIL.

Wow... just wow... I'm speechless at this comment...

OP, totally unreasonable to think you can just share your children's bedroom with them for months on end.

You don't have room.

Arrange help for your fil in India.

Do not be passive, because you will pay for it.

No way.

He will be lonely having left all his friends behind.
He will be homesick living in a different culture.
He will be depressed living in the grey, cold and damp of the UK.
He will either spend a fortune on healthcare not being eligible for NHS or will hide how ill he is to avoid spending.
He will be 100% reliant on you to provide entertainment for him.
He will have his own room within weeks.
He will bring ideas about a wife's role that will rub off on DH and will wind you up.
You will do almost all the extra work.
You will be showing your children that men need a woman to serve them.
You will be showing your children that being old means your life being run at the whim of others.

My dad is in his eighties, lives on his own in another country. Absolutely would not live with us even if we offered. His life is where he lived most of his adult life: in that other country with his mates and his clubs. Cost of living is much cheaper there too, which means the savings and pension give him a decent standard of living.

OP literally ... the government will not let your FiL stay here. Most adult dependency visas fail because the person needs to require a huge amount of care, you need to be able to show you can fund it for 5 years min. But also that it can't be provides in the home country. In nearly all cases (certainly india) it can easily be provided in the home country.

you say no - its your house/home too?!