FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

[littlemisspigg]

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

It might be best to treat this as a negotiation, his opening move is to ask to move in with you, your opening move should be to offer to Skype him once a month, if he doesn't accept that maybe offer to Skype him every 3 weeks.
This man wants to get the best deal possible for himself, he doesn't care about what you will lose so you should adopt the same strategy of looking out for your own best long-term interests

Gah no chance I would allow my fil to live with me. Much better to pay for a live in maid for him in India and ship your DH over regularly

If he's anything like my male relatives in that side of the world, all he will do is expect to be waited on and moan incessantly about everything

Presumably he has no one in India?

Sadly though that's one of the problems of setting up in another country & it not being possible parents to easily move.

Is FIL physically ok to look after himself, is it just culturally that he isn't?

Most people have said you should say no. Why does your update ignore all of that and mention going along with it?

You have a voice. Use it.

Will he be entitled to healthcare here? If not, I’d say that’s a show stopper for an elderly relative.

I have family in that culture.

The wife died, leaving the husband home alone. For a while he was supported by (adult, own families) children who lived nearby, and visited semi-regularly by those overseas.

Over time he has developed quite a sweet little routine of coffee shop chats and lunches with local friends, visiting the local children under his own steam and pottering about at home. He must be about 75-80 by now and each time I've seen him, he seems full of chat about what he's been up to and with who. I think if he was offered a home with any of his children, he'd probably refuse and think they were cramping his style now!

All these men can, they just won't until they realise they either sort their own meals out or go hungry (ditto housework etc).

@UYScuti that's an incredibly harsh thing to say. You have no idea he thinks like that and he most probably doesn't.
If everyone followed your harsh advice there would be no community or compassion in the world.
OP stop being selfish, there's always problems in the way at all stages of life.
Look after your family as you'd have them look after you in your time of need.

My first instinct was to let him take over DC2's room and make DC2 move in with DC1, who is due to sit GCSEs. Then sense kicked in....I can't disrupt DC2's schedule and routine so close to the exams, so I thought I'd put FIL in with my husband, let kids stay as such and I can easily shift between the DCs bedrooms (both have double beds). Still battling out details in my mind....the food really stresses me, it's a horrendous undertaking. He will find it very difficult to eat our way...and he can't drive, kids schools are 10 miles away in town and we live in a fairly remote village where not much happens. He does have chronic health problems but honestly, at the moment, what's on top of my mind is my DC's exam...j can't let anything upset her schedule, she's stressed enough as it is

He does have chronic health problems

this amongst all else will be an issue as the NHS is clamping down on non-eligible users (charging them)

www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-the-nhs-charges-overseas-visitors-for-nhs-hospital-care/how-the-nhs-charges-overseas-visitors-for-nhs-hospital-care

It sounds like you just don't have enough bedroom space to have him. Surely that's a dealbreaker? Unless you're getting into conversations about him funding an extension or annexe, this doesn't like it's feasible.

Purely in visa terms it is a very impractical idea. Book a visit to an immigration lawyer to talk through options and see how your DH responds when he finds out how difficult it would be.

From your update it doesn't sound it could work in any way at all OP. As other pps have said the long term repercussions after his 6 month visa ends could prove insurmountable.

Why can't FiL stay in India - does he not have family there?

He will have to eat your way or poss MandS Indian microwave meals with fruit and fresh bread? Then you can have your family meals and just ping his?

I think visa/NHS access issues will make this very difficult in the long term so why disrupt his life for 6 months?

Better for your DH to take some time off and go to India to get him settled

You don't need to accommodate your meal planning more than that. It's better than not having him.

If you don't have a spare bedroom of course he can't come and stay for 6 months. Not just before GCSEs

Can you look to move to somewhere with a granny flat? If not, if there an Air BnB nearby he can use for a month.

Why don’t you just hire a maid for him in India? It’s quite cheap.

Good grief no. I’m all for supporting relatives but losing my bedroom and having to bedroom hope and invade my DC’s space every couple of days sounds like an utter nightmare. Say no, please!!

Hop, not hope!

Your 16 year old will be fine. Stop stressing about GCSEs. They're only GCSEs, a stepping stone to A levels and uni. Not a reason and you're just using it as an excuse not to have FIL.

I very much doubt your teenage children will want to regularly share a bedroom with their mother or FIL. I really don't think it is fair to ask that of them. Also what happens to your marriage if you never get the chance to share a bed with your husband? You don't have the space.

You don't have room for him.

He has complex health needs which may not be fundable in the UK

He has irregular dietary requirements

Surely both you and DH have to agree before he can stay? I would just say no, and then stick to your guns. If DH wants to live with his DF then off he pops.

Still battling out details in my mind....the food really stresses me, it's a horrendous undertaking. He will find it very difficult to eat our way...and he can't drive, kids schools are 10 miles away in town and we live in a fairly remote village where not much happens. He does have chronic health problems but honestly, at the moment, what's on top of my mind is my DC's exam...j can't let anything upset her schedule, she's stressed enough as it is

Why are you the one ‘battling’ out the logistics? It’s your DH’s father, it’s for him to sort out all the issues, it’s his mental load, his extra cooking.

And if it’s not the it doesn’t happen.