FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

[littlemisspigg]

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

I should have said, it also doesn't sound like you get on too well with FIL and that won't get any better when he lives in your house! I loved my MIL and we had a great laugh together, I wouldn't have even considered it otherwise.

You need to talk to your OH. If you feel you can’t cope you have to say this to him. Are you from a culture where it is expected to have parents moving in and women doing all the wifework?

What would happen if you said no? Personally, I’d rather be single than live with a demanding older relative.

I have elderly relatives who live alone, who are older
They were provided with help & assistance for a couple of months & during times of illness.

Suggest
If they can't or don't want to do housework, they pay for a cleaner/gardener/ironing

If they can't or don't want to cook, they find a source of easily available ready meal or take away or learn to cook

Point them towards social groups, social events, sport. They may not join, but that would be their choice

Would they want to join you on all future holidays ?

I would make it clear if FIL moves in with you that it is temporary (decide how long)

How far away does FIL live ?

If FIL is grieving, it may continue for many years

I understand that some people try to dictate things like ' special food' , but there would need to be some sort of compromise if FIL is to join your family

It is ok for you to say NO

I also agree we should live with the elderly where we can and where they would like to.

I don't think your fil should expect separate meals - but like in any family some meals are some people's favourites and some are other people's favourites and we just eat them.

Are you responsible now for 100% of household tasks? If not you can continue to share out work as it works for you. If fil isn't incompetent he can also help with washing up, hanging out washing etc.

The key to making it work is lots of communication before he moves in and after. And you agreeing that this is the best choice for the whole family and your fil.

Thanks for all your opinions and thoughts. ....his situation will be ....one room (half actually), shared bathroom, food he doesn't always like or want and long periods of loneliness.
Should I just lump it for now and hope he finds the circumstances undesirable? I know initially it will be at least for a period of 6 months...he's coming from India and his visa won't last longer than that.

An alternative is that your DH takes some time off work, paid or unpaid & goes to live with his DF or visits on his days off work

To help provide practical & moral support

This may take a few months

God don't do it if he's coming from India. I've seen patients who were rotating between family members in different countries get ill then have no right to healthcare and then be panicking about visa overstays. It's a nightmare.

I think older people often cope better within existing communities. Even if they have 'always kept themselves to themselves', they know the local shops and library, the GP's surgery and nearest hospital. They may have one or two friends and social activities. In their own home, they have their own possessions and know where everything is.

Losing all these things can be a kind of second bereavement

The immediate aftermath of someone's death is not a good time to make major decisions. What seems important is keeping in more frequent contact/making more regular visits to assess how they are coping and to try and ensure more practical support is provided if that's necessary. (For example companies that deliver ready meals, if an older person is completely incompetent in terms of cooking and/or too frail to start chopping veg.)

Half a room? You mean he’s sharing with DC?

Put a stop to this before it starts.

You seem to speak from experience, **annamagnani!

Sadly yes. It's depressing but you and your DH need to have a serious think about what you would do if FIL became too ill to travel back to India at the end of his 6 month stay. NHS will provide emergency treatment and primary care but you may be having to fund anything else. There are cases where they have even argued cancer treatment was not an emergency

No chance ..... it's a NO from me OP.. the visa thing is a ruse to make you believe he can only stay short term ... bollocks to that.. there must be plenty rellies in India can step in..

Cancer treatment for someone who hasn't put into the system and just moved here in retirement isn't emergency IMO. That treatment would be better put towards someone else.

Not meant to be goady as my DM passed from incurable cancer.

I think it's ok after a death of a loved one to provide support for a while for family

I would make it clear to your DH, that there is a big difference between a temporary visit and permanent stay

Your DH would need to step up & help more in your household

Lots of elderly people live alone

He won't find the circumstances undesirable he will demand that the circumstances bend to his will, since you have validated his dominance by allowing him to take up residence in your home he will feel emboldened to demand whatever he desires
He will make damn sure that he is too ill to go back to India

He comes from a culture where there is an extended family tradition this might work well in India but it does not line-up with life in the UK
in his mind he is bringing all of his own culture with him to your home and he will expect you to all live according to the norms that he is used to

What happens after his visa runs out?

If he's living with you he doesn't need to be treated as a guest.
May be cultural differences though. British old man can be asked to help cook and clean and poss do meals on rota with you, and provide child care and tutoring. Would your FIL do any of this? Or will he expect to be waited on hand and foot?

You mustn't let this happen. It won't help your FIL to take him away from his community and everything he is familiar with. He may need to help to set up help with daily living in India, but please don't be the DIL who allows herself to be sacrificed to tradition.

Would it be possible to arrange to visit him for long enough to set up all the help and support he needs, rather than him coming here? That way you could be of genuine help, but not have to give up so much.

Eg he could cook spaghetti bol Mondays and stirfry Wed so you cook Tues and Thurs and take away Friday.
He could walk kids to school and sit with kids and help with homework. Maybe drive them to their clubs if he drives.
It could be lovely if he's up to above. If he expects to do nothing and be waited on all day then that's a different matter.

He will start out sharing a room but then he will find reasons to require his own room and the food that he's used to, you will have to give him this because you can't be unkind to an old man who is ill and lost his wife
when (not if) he requires medical care are will he be eligible for it?
He will be too ill to go back to his own country ....you'll be well and truly lumbered

is this going to have a good or bad effect on your children? My mother came to stay with me for a month because her partner couldnt look after her. She woke the family during the night, which was hard when kids had key exams, and we had to go to work the next day. And the whole family dymanic changed - kids werent especially close to her and struggled having an old person around who couldnt easily feed herself/go to the toilet etc. (I know they could have got used to this). Plus i couldnt leave the house for more than an hour in case she fell over. how come he has half a room, is he sharing with someone and how do they feel about this?

I’m personally keen on the idea of communal living for families - with a lot of ifs. There needs to be space, financial arrangements, in reasonable health, etc. I would be very concerned that your FIL has no right to live here at the offset.

No you don’t lump it, sit down with your DH and explain that if you FIL comes to stay he will be the primary carer.

He will be responsible for food shopping and cooking for FIL, for all his care needs including doctor and dentist appts. If he cannot fulfil this then FIL needs to stay somewhere else.

You write as if this is almost a done deal, with you having little say in the matter ... why is that, do you think?