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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

229 replies

littlemisspigg · 18/01/2020 11:59

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 18/01/2020 12:22

I don’t think you’re selfish. I just couldn’t cope with that. We had my mil stay for 2 weeks, there was a lot going on in my life at the time, it was incredibly difficult, even tho I really loved her. Long term, I wouldn’t cope.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/01/2020 12:26

Not understanding why FIL needs to stay either....everyone loses someone at sometime..my own dad died ...my mum in her 70s didnt come and live with either of us...it never crossed anyones mind for this to happen....why is your family even contemplating this? My mum has been on her own for 15 yrs since my dad passed and manages perfectly well and has gone on to have a different but lovely life on her own terms...it seems odd to me he would want to come even...

AutumnRose1 · 18/01/2020 12:26

It’s not selfish at all

Why is it happening? Is it so he has company? That’s nit a great idea or long term solution.

Don’t cook special meals. He or DH can sort that. If it means you need extra help around the house, who will pay?

AutumnRose1 · 18/01/2020 12:28

PS I considered moving in with mum after dad died but the real problem is the emotional load. It might be different in a big family but with just me and mum, I’d have been so depressed.

Plus she thinks the world closes when the sun goes down so I’d not have a normal life.

Jaxhog · 18/01/2020 12:28

Why does he need to stay with you long term? Is he frail, or is it that he's used to being looked after by a 'little woman'? If the former, then your DH needs to step up and take on half (at least) of the caring responsibilities. If the latter, then he needs to learn how to look after himself. Perhaps a month with you, while he learns. Then he can go home and do it himself. Either way, your DH and FiL need to understand that you are not a 'little woman' who's just there to see to their needs.

Clymene · 18/01/2020 12:29

Is it because he is a man who won't cook for himself and thinks women should do it?

If you don't want him to stay, say no

UYScuti · 18/01/2020 12:31

His servant has died so obviously he needs to move to a house where there is another servant available

UYScuti · 18/01/2020 12:32

If he needs to learn how to cook point him towards YouTube 🙂

CMOTDibbler · 18/01/2020 12:32

If the burden of doing stuff for FIL will fall on you, then say no. My MIL is terminally ill at the moment, and DH and I have discussed that afterwards we would invite FIL to stay with us for a few months while their house sells (it is isolated and far too big for them now, but MIL has wanted to stay) and he hopefully will agree to but somewhere closer to us (or his other sons, but we live somewhere he could have a lot of social life). I can't say I'd be looking forward to it in anyway, but it would be short term and with DHs full engagement

jeremypaxo · 18/01/2020 12:33

I would avoid using the phrase "your own little family" when talking to your DH about this. Your FIL is his own father and there is no point trying to create an artificial divide there.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/01/2020 12:34

Thing is OP if you start this and he comes to stay even for a few weeks you will never shift him again and he will be there to stay..how could you ever tell him to leave? You just couldnt so don;t start it ....otherwise you will be stuck forever

SoloMummy · 18/01/2020 12:36

If there is a need then to refuse based on food/meals is imo awful!
How terrible to have lost his wife and to be tossed aside by the dil because of dinner!
If you are the person who predominantly cooks and fils meals are so different then bulk batch cook and freeze. But I cannot really see it being such a big issue.

BlouseAndSkirt · 18/01/2020 12:39

How old is he?

How far away does he live at present?

There could be any number of ways of making him less isolated or vulnerable than bringing him into your household.

Downsize and move closer to you, get visiting carers if he is frail etc.

AfterSchoolWorry · 18/01/2020 12:39

Say no!

Why would you even dream of agreeing to that!?

eddielizzard · 18/01/2020 12:39

Absolutely NOT. This will not end well at all. I'd be saying him OR me. Take your pic.

forkfun · 18/01/2020 12:39

If he does move in will he have some money from a sale of his house for example? If so, there are services meals on wheels. It is possible to have an elderly relative live with you without becoming his carer, but it's not cheap.

I agree though, it's not your responsibility. Your DH and FIL should look into options together. However, I know personally, even though I don't have a great relationship with my PIL, if my DH asked for my MIL to move in, I could never say no. Might be cultural.

thetreeisstressingmeout · 18/01/2020 12:42

I think for anyone to live with another generation there needs to be serious discussions with all involved parties.

The kids should have a say too.
Living with is very different from visiting and being a guest.
Your FIL should not expect to be treated like a guest. No special meals (unless their is an allergy or medical reason)
He should contribute financially to the extra cost he will incur the household.

If he needs extra care now or in the future this needs to be planned for.

latheritup · 18/01/2020 12:43

YANBU. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss if this is the best thing for you all. Why does he need to move in?

Sexnotgender · 18/01/2020 12:44

You need to make a list of your concerns and sit down calmly with your husband and go through them point by point.

Do not let him bully or emotionally blackmail you.

If HIS father moves in then the burden of additional care needs to fall to him.

AnnaMagnani · 18/01/2020 12:47

No.How old is he? Why exactly does he need looking after?

Both my DM and MIL are on their own and getting on in their 70s. They had to learn things that their husbands used to do for them but staying in their own homes was the right choice as it was where their friends are, where they know the shops, have lived for 40+ years, have all their own things around them.

If they came to ours they would get one room, food they didn't like, no social life and us being work most of the time.

notthemum · 18/01/2020 12:50

@Chamomileteaplease. Spot on. All of this.

bank100 · 18/01/2020 12:54

Without further information it is hard to offer advice. Lots of posters have asked sensible questions

happystory · 18/01/2020 12:59

We need to know where he lives now. If he has to move nearer to you, so be it, but I'd be googling independent living in your area. My mother has lived in a small flat in one of these schemes for 12 years, easy to look after, company, social activities, some people have carers coming in as necessary, and if he can't cook you can buy in those frozen meals.

IntermittentParps · 18/01/2020 12:59

You make it sound as though it is only you who will be responsible for supporting your children, cooking etc. Is that the case? If so, then obviously it's untenable. Your OH will need to do his share.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 18/01/2020 13:03

I'm very much in favour of older people being looked after by their families, and living with their children if necessary. I lived with my MIL for the last part of her life and am very glad to have been of some help to her.

However, there are two huge issues in your situation, OP, which were not there for me. The first is that my MIL had terminal cancer and was definitely not able to care for herself. It isn't really clear if your FIL is frail and sick, or just not accustomed to living alone and managing on his own. The second issue is that I actively wanted to live with MIL. Technically, she lived with us, but the effect was the same, since it was the family farmhouse.

Your husband seems to have allocated all of the actual caring work to you, and that's unfair to you and to your FIL. I'm sure he feels very smug - he will get to virtue signal about having his elderly father to live with him, but not actually have to do any work - lovely!

Does your FIL actually want to live with you, or has your husband just decided that FIL is a problem and you are the solution to that problem?

Entering into an arrangement like this unwillingly is likely to end in an unhappy home, a tense atmosphere and possibly marriage breakdown. It's hard having another adult living with you, more so because that adult has been accustomed to being "senior" to you. If there is the slightest chance that one party doesn't want to do this, then it should be stopped.

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