FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

[littlemisspigg]

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

My MIL stayed for 3 days and I hated it, and we get on! I couldn't handle this at all.

He is from a non-EU country.

6months is the MAX he can currently come for, although this is not a guarantee that they'll let him in at the border.
If he is elderly, they will ask to see proof that he has adequate medical insurance to cover him for his time here and/or enough funds to pay for his stay here INCLUDING any medical bills if he doesn't have insurance. If he cannot do either, you will have to provide financial proof that you could support him and pay his medical bills (which will run in to thousands).

What reason would he be granted a long-term VISA to come here after that initial visit?

I'm genuilnly not convinced he will be granted entry and if they do, they may specify a return date he must go home by.

My aunt in the US did this for my grandmother. My grandmother didn't speak English, she couldn't drive, she just stayed at home day after day in loneliness and couldn't go out unless aunt took her. My aunt's thinking was that health care was better in the US compared to their home country and she would do better.

But actually her health deteriorated. She had a stomach condition and she died on the operating table. It breaks my heart that her final years were spent away from her comforts and family and friends.

Gosh OP. I think I would be pushing back.

Your DH has to make some serious efforts here. You have written about what sounds like a cranky old (and old fashioned) man. If he will bring conflict into your home, I would really really question the wisdom of this choice.

Can you throw money at the problem and pay for some daily help for him in India (maybe your DH could fly over to sort it out)? Thus avoiding his need to come over?
If not, Remember that alongside conflict will be added expense. Food, heating (he will likely be chilly in UK versus India), medical and the food bill if you need to make separate food for him.

I'd put FIL in with my husband, let kids stay as such and I can easily shift between the DCs bedrooms (both have double beds

This is obviously barmy.

And you know your kids - if now is not the time to put them in together, now is not the time.

Can your DH go and visit his Dad for 3 weeks and spend tome with him? And then you all go on a family visit after exams?

Your DH could assess what help he might benefit from in his own home - a local housekeeper, for example.

@Daisy7654
Your 16 year old will be fine. Stop stressing about GCSEs. They're only GCSEs, a stepping stone to A levels and uni. Not a reason and you're just using it as an excuse not to have FIL.

Eh?

@Daisy7654

Oh. Just seen your second post.

Is he in India? Could he not go into a care home paid for by you and DH if he has no money? Or live near relatives in a flat?

I am Asian and I wouldn't live with MIL or FIL. Me and DH work full time. I certainly wouodn't be tiring myself out to get special food in or to cook it. Everyone eats what's cooked.

I know, i know! I agree it's a crazy idea...and yes, it something my DH pulled out of a hat and zapped me with, because one of his (another Indian!) Friend suggested this. I'm not anti- Indian (I'm Indian myself) but I tend to think with my head, not heart. FIL is well off in India, has a home (several actually) ..some family who still live around, but both sons are abroad. We fixed up home help last time we were there, so all- day maid to cook and clean...it's all in place for him there
I have half a mind to ask my DH to get his maids a visa as well...I could do with help while he's here

Your DH 'moral obligation' is to his nuclear family. Not his father who's had the best of his life. Now it's your turn.
Millions of elderly people live alone. They save all their lives for a rainy day don't they? Scrimp and save and all that!? Well now it's pouring down. If he can't cope living alone he needs setting up with cleaners, carers, handymen, online shopping, taxi companies, daycare etc etc. What plans has your FIL put in place to cope as he got older?
Not your responsibility.

Do everything you can to prevent this, it will be awful for your kids

My dad used to let his random friends/family stay over for months at a time. There wasn’t room for them so it was cramped and awkward.

In the nicest way possible, I think a grown man that grew up in India will have different cultural habits than your household, particularly with hygiene. My dad’s guests would do things like LOUDLY coughing up for extended periods of time (as in purposely coughing up phlegm, dramatically clearing their throat casually at the dinner table) - it would make me gag.

He’s likely going to demand you cook for him, specific meals/specific times. He’s likely to want to be the head of the household so to speak, so what he says will go, your children might feel awkward etc. Eg Will he get annoyed about your children wearing certain clothes, or having friends over, or making a normal amount of noise etc.

I assume Daisy doesn’t actually live in a tiny village. The idea that there are daily Punjabi-speaking social events in every tiny hamlet in the country is hilarious.

My DM lives in a pretty large commuter village in Sussex, she’s a very fit retiree, and the only village clubs are the WI and the Saturday bowling club. She catches the bus into the local market town ten miles away for her social life. It doesn’t sound like FIL’s health will allow him to do that.

OP
This just won’t work.
You don’t have the space in your home.
You can’t expect a teenager to share with an old man, it’s not fair on your teenager to give up their bedroom. It’s not fair to expect your dc to share without there being some impact on studying etc. You cannot seriously expect to share / bunk up with one or other of your dc. Do you think your dh would be happy sharing with his df and not his wife?
Your fil has health issues.
He’s not from this culture
He probably won’t like the food
How will he cope with the language?
How will he find the weather?
Will he have any company his age from his culture?
To be honest it’s really hard to find any aspect of this proposal that might work out.

It’s sad your fil has lost his wife but is the best solution to uproot him thousands of miles from home ?

Perhaps your dh should take an extended break from work go to him, support him though his loss and organise some local/ live in help like a cleaner a cook or a housekeeper, ensure he has a good network of support locally etc.

Well, after your last post, it seems clear that your FIL should stay where he is. He is well set up in India. How about setting up a series of shorter visits for him, finances permitting?

And OP, from your most recent update, if your FIL is wealthy, owns several houses, has servants, etc, he is going to HATE living in a (comparatively) cramped British house, sharing a bed with his son, stuck in the house, food he doesn’t like, cold weather, no access to healthcare, and expected to muck in with chores. Depending on temperament he may be miserable, or he may be furious. But certainly not happy.

This is an awful idea. Can your DH take compassionate leave and go and stay with him for a bit?

Despite my earlier post it sounds like for this to work properly he would need the right visas, medical insurance and you would need to sell the property in India so your family can move into a property that is large enough for him. (I do think kids can share - but as yours never have and fil has his own assets then they should contribute towards making this work properly).

Yes, for this to work you’d need more room so that everyone would have their own space for a start. I also think he’d be miserable here if he has a high quality of life in India

You really need to talk your husband out of it, it won't be any good for any of you, particularly if your FIL has never lived in the UK before. Or if he has and is sure he wants to leave India to live with his son's family, could he sell up in India and help you buy/rent a larger house which would accommodate all of your needs, as well has having room for his maid, who could cook separately for him as well as caring for him?

@ Mumdiva99...that is a thought...maybe if I let this happen, and let everyone especially my FIL and DH (alongside myself) suffer the utter misery of the situation..then my point might stick. It might be worthwhile suggesting an extension to our house, and hope he contributes.

His life in India sounds very comfortable. Why on earth would he leave that?

No, please, @littlemisspigg, please don't let hit happen first and then get things done retroactively! Sort it out first with your husband and then let him sort it with your fil. Has he ever visited you before? Does he know how you live?
(You still haven't answered the question about what your husband will be doing to help you with this happening, which makes me think he expects you to bear all the stress and burden of this by yourself, whilst he looks good to everyone back home for taking in his grieving father.)

Hi keeping putting hunwanted haitches hin. Sorry habout that!

Nope, DH won't be doing anything...I speak from past and current experience. He never does anything. It's all me.

So this idea hasn't come from your FIL?

In that case there's no problem is there. It's not happening, you don't need to have an awkward conversation with your FIL.

You need to make it clear to your DH that if he feels a responsibility to help his dad now his mum has died (and that's totally admirable, don't get me wrong), this help needs to involve your DH going to India, not your FIL coming here.

put FIL in with my husband, let kids stay as such and I can easily shift between the DCs bedrooms (both have double beds).

This sounds mad.

Also based on your update that your husband won't help in any way, I'd be saying no to this idea.