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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband holding hands with male friend.

484 replies

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:00

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 18/01/2020 10:48

@beautifulstranger101
I meant, when you’re in your late teens early 20s and you’re all hanging out as friends then it’s seen as more acceptable! You’ve seen them around! I was one of them. Reading philosophy and thinking you’re breaking all the boundaries set by the old stuffy folk.
Then you get a grad job at KPMG. Get married get a house in the burbs. And all of a sudden you no longer think Guevara is cool, you don’t hold hands with each other and you mainly worry about the school fees.

misspiggy19 · 18/01/2020 10:48

He's been seen so wanted to tell you before someone else did and is very likely gay. You know straight men don't walk about holding hands.

^This. It’s textbook

Mammajay · 18/01/2020 10:50

Op it must be worrying you. Can you talk to your husband about it? The lack of sex when you are both presumably in your 30s is unusual

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 18/01/2020 10:50

I think it’s nice! My husband is affectionate with his friends, doesn’t hold hands but I wouldn’t care if he did, have you got worries otherwise? If not, who cares?

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:51

I actually haven't met this group of friends. They usually only meet at work socials/drinks (they're all freelancers) a couple of times a year so I haven't seen the dynamics. My husband rarely goes out with friends, neither of us are hugely social. I suppose there could be some truth in him making it up for the sake of an argument to appear 'woke' but I'm not sure.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 18/01/2020 10:51

@Chinnychinnychinnychib
I would be worried at 30 if my husband only wanted sex with me every 4-6 months and wasn’t affectionate

Op- does your DH hold your hand

williams345 · 18/01/2020 10:51

@DrinkSangriaInThePark you sound so sure that you know that's true when you literally have no idea lol they are like brothers lol

Newmumatlast · 18/01/2020 10:51

I would find it odd if any people who were friends, irrespective of sex or sexuality, went about holding hands as adults tbh. It isnt the done thing in British culture. I would expect and assume, whether or not correctly, that people doing this were together intimately.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 18/01/2020 10:52

How long have you been married? I assumed from the OP a long time, but if he's early 30s presumably not that long?

DragonMamma · 18/01/2020 10:52

I have lots of friends from lots of different circles - professional types, musicians, sporty, just plain weird.

The only men who I’ve ever seen hold hands with another man are those that sleep with men. If I saw two men holding hands in the street I would assume they are gay or bi.

Grin to the PP who said that those off the vampire diaries can’t be gay because they are with women...missing the entire point of being bisexual

williams345 · 18/01/2020 10:52

If they were going to walk around in public holding hands I'm pretty sure they would admit they were hi
There not

beautifulstranger101 · 18/01/2020 10:52

OP- does he hold your hand when out and about? you say he's not affectionate with you- then why is he affectionate with his male friend?

TheMustressMhor · 18/01/2020 10:53

My husband is affectionate with his friends, doesn’t hold hands but I wouldn’t care if he did

Well, I would think that mine had taken leave of his senses if he started holding hands with his (male) friends.

Even my gay ex didn't do that.

CripsSandwiches · 18/01/2020 10:53

It's certainly unusual. I do have a straight male friend who is very physically affectionate with his other platonic friends (both male and female). This guy has a fairly low sex drive (he's single anyway) but enjoys physical affection in a platonic relationship.

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:55

We dont often get a chance to hold hands, we have a young child so one of us is usually pushing the pushchair whilst out and about. When they're walking, we do hold hands, but its hard when one of us is holding hands with or darting after our child.

OP posts:
DrinkSangriaInThePark · 18/01/2020 10:55

If they were going to walk around in public holding hands I'm pretty sure they would admit they were bi

Attention seeking celebrities then, who know that doing it will bring endless media speculation, BECAUSE it's not normal.

How the hell must their partners put up with that?

74NewStreet · 18/01/2020 10:55

lol they are like brothers lol. Adult men who happen to be related don’t walk about holding hands either. Lol...

TheMustressMhor · 18/01/2020 10:56

CripsSandwiches how do you know that your straight friend has a low sex drive?

Number3or4 · 18/01/2020 10:56

A lot of things can cause low sex drive, it don’t automatically mean your dh is gay. All it means is that he has a low sex drive. It would be a good to explore the reasons behind it if it is causing you issues. It may be a medics condition or he might just be content with the amount you have, or he might want other things.
He may be gay or not, holding a friend hand mean nothing, by itself. Does his friend like to be seen as well traveled? Maybe his friend is pushing this so people think he is cultured and very accepting of other people’s culture.

ofay · 18/01/2020 10:56

There was a thread a few months ago about this subject. The OP's DH would hold his best friend's hand whenever he'd had a few drinks.

Most posters thought he was a closet gay I seem to remember.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 18/01/2020 10:58

@DrinkSangriaInThePark you sound so sure that you know that's true when you literally have no idea lol they are like brothers lol

Yeah, because brothers hold hands all the time.

aroundtheworldyet · 18/01/2020 10:58

Well op. If you’re happy. And he’s happy. And you’re not worried about the sex thing.
Then I wouldn’t worry too much.
I would only worry if you were unhappy in other ways.

MopsRUs · 18/01/2020 10:58

He's gay. I don't know anyone who holds hands with platonic friends.

beautifulstranger101 · 18/01/2020 10:59

He may be gay or not, holding a friend hand mean nothing, by itself

But its not "by itself" is it? there are many things going on here that would suggest OP's H is gay/bi. 1. he holds hands with his best male friend. 2. He never wants sex and is rarely affectionate with his own wife. 3. He has told OP that he held hands with previous male friends and had crushes on them.

You dont have to be sherlock holmes to figure out whats going on here...

londonrach · 18/01/2020 10:59

Men do not hold hands ever unless they in a relationship. Woman more like too as just friends especially if italian but men...never. Is your husband gay or bisexual op