Husband holding hands with male friend.

[User3679963]

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

He's gay. I'm sorry OP but holding hands with a male friend and only wanting sex approx every 6 months?
This couldn't be a bigger red flag if it tried. He's gay and he hasn't come out yet (at least not to you).

I'm with Bluntness. Sorry OP

Tbh you don't see that many gay men holding hands due to homophobia, which is a shame. Do you not have an issue with the lack of sex in your marriage?

Still, it's one example, in another country. It's certainly not indicative of Bob & Fred in the UK!

I doubt you would think anything of it if it was two female friends holding hands

Yes, I would. I'm the most affectionate/tactile person ever- I'm always hugging my female friends etc but I wouldnt walk down the street holding hands with them- WTF? thats strange

OP has already said everyone concerned is British.

In which case, I can only agree with others posters. The only British men I know to hold hands have been gay. Sorry.

I think it’s cute 🤷🏼‍♀️ I sometimes hold hands with friends for a laugh
If they’re comfortable doing this it’s nice. Some men like to subvert cultural norms and act a bit gay.

On the other hand it sounds like he just made it up as he wanted to be right in your debate

Especially in UK culture. Men never touch other men, only just can bare to shake their hand

Not true. Lots of my friends hug one another, whether 100% gay, 100% hetero or somewhere in between. The closest friends will occasionally plant a kiss when titting around and there have been times when, on tour, it's been necessary to share doubles between gay and straight guys or we've been stranded and they've huddled up for warmth whilst waiting for a recovery truck - but that's Musicians for you - they don't tend to be so emotionally retarded homophobic or concerned about what other people might think.

But in this case, I do think that the OP needs to have some serious discussions with her husband.

I’m a grown up. I wouldn’t hold hands with anyone who wasn’t a child or I wasn’t in a relationship with.
That’s pretty standard.

I have a female friend whom I'm close enough to to link arms when we're walking but not holding hands; that would be weird. She's gay, I'm not. Adult hand-holding is for lovers.

I also agree with Bluntness, he's probably been seen and is limitating the damages that he is anticipating.

Im a male in my late 20s, i would never hold hands with any of my male friends, i think this is very odd

@MitziK
What you’ve described is what most people do.
Most people don’t walk down the street holding hands. It’s not homophobic it’s just a fact.
Maybe if you’re young it might be something you would do.
But as a grown adult it just doesn’t really happen.

I think it's quite sweet and why can't men hold hands? I'll sometimes link arms with mates and with one friend, he often holds my hand when we're out and about. I've never seen my straight male friends do it but they hug a lot and show affection.

If you don't have any other signs that he might be gay then just be happy that you have a partner who isn't afraid to be tactile with his friends.

I hold hands with my bestie, we are friends from secondary school, both female. It's not usual for men though in Britain but I asked my dp about this and his best mate from secondary and he said it wouldn't be wholly unexpected for them to hold hands in public either. I'm sure I've seen it when they've had a drink.

In my life, the only time I've ever held a friend's hand has probably been when one of us has been too drunk to walk properly.

So, yes - he's been spotted. However, I doubt whoever spotted him will let you know.

MitziK, why would you generalise 'musicians'. You don't know them all and it just sounds so knobbish to ascribe a set of behaviours to a job and so confidently speak for them all.

During his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends

Really? The writing was on the wall even then, OP. And he really is trying to tell you, gently, that he fancies men.

It is not usual for sex to be so infrequent in a relationship, either. Not a relationship where everything else is okay.

I have a feeling that you know your husband is gay but are trying to persuade yourself that you're wrong.

My ex-husband was like this. And he refused to admit he was gay, even when we divorced.

When I used to live in an area with a large population of Bangladeshi people I did used to sometimes see men holding hands and assumed it was a cultural thing. Apart from that, if he is not from a culture where it is seen as normal then I would bet he is gay.

I mean there’s nothing wrong with him being bi. But he could just tell you! It’s not that hard surely.

If you don't have any other signs that he might be gay then just be happy that you have a partner who isn't afraid to be tactile with his friends

But thats just it- it isn't just the hand holding. OP says he only wants sex approx every 6 months, never kisses her and rarely cuddles. If it was just the hand holding I would reluctantly agree but it isn't. There is a distinct lack of desire and affection for his own wife here. That PLUS the hand holding is a very big sign he's gay.

Lol at Justin Bieber being held up as an example of ordinary men. the kid occupies a whole other planet.

Even Justin beiber isn’t going to be doing that when he’s in his 40s

Re Bieber hand holding - it is probably his carer, he certainly needs one.

If you don't have any other signs that he might be gay then just be happy that you have a partner who isn't afraid to be tactile with his friends

If he's so happy to be tactile with friends, how come he isn't tactile with his wife?

Yes, it’s probably because we all went to secondary school together, we all show affection to each other by holding hands, hugging etc. I don’t understand why it’s seen as a bad thing, surely men showing emotion and being affectionate is a good thing. If women can do it why can’t men
My son in his early 20s and his friends all went to secondary school together and a quick hug on meeting, particularly if they haven't seen each other for a while e.g. just back from university, would be perfectly normal for them, but they'd never walk along holding hands.