Husband holding hands with male friend.

[User3679963]

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

@User3679963 It's interesting you're avoiding comment on your sex life. Does it bother you? When I was in my late 20s and early 30s (and even now) sex would be on the wane because something wasn't right in the relationship. Is everything else OK otherwise or is the lack of sex an indicator of unhappiness between you both?

Holding hands is usually an intimate act in our society. I don't think it necessary means it's sexually intimate, I have had a couple of much older male friends touch my hand when talking direct to me, but walking around holding hands goes a bit further as it's not just to grab the persons attention, but to maintain it and "show it off" in public.

'a closet gay' nice use of language there.

There are some cultures where men do hold hands without it being anything to do with sexuality but as others have pointed out, it is rather unusual in the UK.

williams345 Brothers don't walk around holding hands!

I actually haven't met this group of friends. They usually only meet at work socials/drinks (they're all freelancers) a couple of times a year so I haven't seen the dynamics.

A friend he is close enough to to hold hands with, but you've never met him? He didn't come to your wedding?

Maybe his friend is pushing this so people think he is cultured
What?! That’s the very last thing people will think.

Im just amazed how he can be so unaware that it isnt odd. Just ask him if that if it isn’t odd how come you don’t see other men walking round holding hands.

OP, you said in your post he thought he had feelings for another guy. At the very least he is bi-curious. You not tempted to discuss his sexuality with him?

Two men holding hands is definitely odd.

Forget gay or straight ... the fact that’s he’s touchy feely with this fairly random person but according to polar opposite with his own partner/spouse is surely the cause for worry/confusion? That is rather unusual.

I’ve never seen straight men hold hands either, it would be more than slightly bizarre in this country. I wouldn’t hold hands, casually (excepting helping someone who is unsteady on their feet) with a friend, my sister, parent....anyone really apart from my DH and children.

The lack of intimacy has always been a huge issue for me. Each year we seem to just muddle along and avoid talking about it and then we will talk, but nothing is done. Hes been to personal counselling triggered by me suggesting couples counselling but he wanted to get to the root of his own issues first (struggles with depression), I do wonder if his upbringing has stunted him emotionally a bit. Although he doesn't seem to think it reflects badly on our relationship and just because the average couple is much more intimate, he doesn't think we need to fit into the norm to be happy. I have also wondered in the past if he could be on the autistic spectrum. Hes very intelligent, and although verbally very affectionate the physical part just isn't there. We've been married 6 years, together 10 and I've known him for 16 years but not in the same friendship circles.

I don’t think he is trying to tell OP he is gay more like he is trying to convince her and himself this is normal.

It’s not though is it? And why hadn’t he ever done this in front of you?

He’s either pretending to be ‘woke’ and it’s bullshit OR he is actually holding hands with this man when your not around - the latter causing me the most interest. Why do where you can’t see? What’s their to hide?

I think your hid beard. Sorry

But the lack of intimacy is a problem for you, so it needs addressing properly.

Oh OP, you sound like you're desperately trying to convince yourself it's OK.....

You know the answer deep down.

He's either bisexual, or given your lack of sex life, I'd say he's gay and hiding it.

I think your in denial as much as your husband. He is gay OP

I would be making plans for a future alone or with someone else

Oh sorry correction, if it’s his first who initiates the handholding that’s a bit different I guess. It’s a bit odd, but I’d certainly have a lot more questions if it was my partner initiating the hand holding rather than just going along with it.

I don't think I'd be that concerned by it if you had intimacy in your marriage.

The fact you hold hands in public is irrelevant if he's happy to do that with everyone, regardless.

Do they hold hands when they're sober?

Erm deffos gay I’d be horrified to see my husband hold another mans hand. Maybe he’s just in denial. If he’s had thoughts for men in the past he will have them again.

I think your in denial as much as your husband. He is gay OP

This. I'm so sorry OP. I dont think this is due to his upbringing, or him being on the spectrum or him trying to be woke. The simplest answer is usually the correct one and the simplest explanation here from everything you have said is that he's gay. Thats it.

Also - I’d never hold a girls hand either, I do t see why you would even want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

When your dh is showing someone else more affection than you whether male or female you that is a red flag. I also think he may be at least bi, I couldn't put up with so little affection. Don't think its normal tbh

That's the other thing, because he is quite awkward I wonder if he went along with it because he didn't want to hurt his friends feelings. But he still doesn't understand that its unusual. Surely even a gay man would know that it's unusual, especially since many unfortunately don't feel safe doing it in public themselves. He genuinely wouldn't look twice or assume if two straight men were holding hands.

Sorry @CelebrityDave The Ian somehalder Paul Wesley holding hands image is fake, it’s a photoshop of Paul holding hands with his girlfriend Phoebe Tonkin.

That's the other thing, because he is quite awkward I wonder if he went along with it because he didn't want to hurt his friends feelings

But you've said he held hands with male friends before and he had crushes on them.