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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband holding hands with male friend.

484 replies

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:00

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 18/01/2020 10:37

I think he's gay.

virginpinkmartini · 18/01/2020 10:38

@Queenoftheashes is right I think. He was talkig shite in order to 'win' the argument.

aroundtheworldyet · 18/01/2020 10:38

It’s one of those “cool things” young folk do.
They do grow out of it.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 18/01/2020 10:38

but that's Musicians for you - they don't tend to be so emotionally retarded homophobic

Or sober much of the time.

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:38

It's interesting to see the varied responses coming in, thank you. They're both very early 30s, and work in a genre where they openly express support for people of all genders and equalities and fight for the inclusivity of others which is wonderful. So I did wonder if it is just that they're good friends and they dont care about the expectations of society (because if it's normal in some cultures, then why not here?) But it's still really thrown me.

OP posts:
ElderAve · 18/01/2020 10:39

I have recently become part of two separate groups where everyone, male and female, hugs and kisses each other a lot. This seems odd to me, as I haven't experienced it to this extent before, but seems to be becoming more common. Even they don't hold hands.

It doesnt sound good OP

drawntothedeepend · 18/01/2020 10:39

@Zaphodsotherhead how the hell do I know?

williams345 · 18/01/2020 10:40

@HowlsMovingBungalow the pic is 2 straight men holding hands so is intended to mean something !

HowlsMovingBungalow · 18/01/2020 10:40

Sounds such a eoke mman ... who shows his female partner no affection Hmm.

GreenBasket · 18/01/2020 10:40

He sees his friend, on average, the same amount of times per year he has sex with you OP. Sounds like he's more intimate with his 'friend' than with you tbh.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 18/01/2020 10:40

*WOKE

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/01/2020 10:41

So have you asked him why he can hold hands with a friend who's very distant, and not with you, OP? Why he can be tactile and, apparently, affectionate with him and yet won't hug or kiss you?

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 18/01/2020 10:41

I remember seeing a picture if the two lead actors from Vampire Diaries out shopping holding hands (both male) and they ate both straight

I can guarantee you they're not. Bisexual at least.

aNonnyMouse1511 · 18/01/2020 10:41

It’s not what you want to hear but you know deep down he is gay, maybe bi. The lack of sex screams alarm bells.

APatchyTomCat · 18/01/2020 10:42

Why should she be happy having a partner who can be tactile with his friends but not with her?

TheMustressMhor · 18/01/2020 10:42

It’s one of those “cool things” young folk do
They do grow out of it

That makes it sound like the OP's husband is about sixteen FFS.

74NewStreet · 18/01/2020 10:42

Two actors, looking for a photo opportunity, does not make it mainstream for two men to hold hands in public.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 18/01/2020 10:42

OP I’d say if holding hands with friends was just part of his social group/they way he was then you’d know about it and have seen it before now. The fact you didn’t suggests one of two things 1) it’s not his normal way with friends or 2) you really don’t spend any time with your husband at all.

williams345 · 18/01/2020 10:43

@DrinkSangriaInThePark 1 is married with kids and the one has a gf, they are defiantly not bi

BedSprings · 18/01/2020 10:43

SquareAsABlock

Aren't you a clever dick.

beautifulstranger101 · 18/01/2020 10:43

It’s one of those “cool things” young folk do

Really? and do "young folk" only have sex twice a year? because I dont think thats normal for "young folk" lol

aroundtheworldyet · 18/01/2020 10:45

If he only wants sex with you every 4-6 months and he’s in his very early 30s then this is what you should be worrying about.

That’s very low. Have you ever discussed it? Do you want more sex and affection? Have you known him a long time?

HowlsMovingBungalow · 18/01/2020 10:45

Spot the Bieber fantwat.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 18/01/2020 10:47

1 is married with kids and the one has a gf, they are defiantly not bi

It doesn't matter if they're attached to women. They're holding hands in public ffs. If they were holding hands with women while married it would look fairly obvious that they were romantically involved.

Either that or craving attention from the media.

NewloveCG · 18/01/2020 10:48

williams345 As I have previously stated I think holding hands is fine for men. But you do realise you would still be bi even if you were married to a woman and had kids? You don’t just loose your attraction to men when you marry or date one gender if you are attracted to both.