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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband holding hands with male friend.

484 replies

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:00

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 21/01/2020 18:31

*isn't either.

GilbertMarkham · 21/01/2020 18:33

(Even if he was, most UK men would probably be v uncomfortable with holding hands and wouldn't go along with it).

Emmmie · 21/01/2020 18:36

I would still hold my best friend’s hand, but this was the norm where we grew up ( not Middle East).

Mistymonday · 21/01/2020 18:57

My DP is autistic and the infrequent sex/affection thing is very typical. Same for my life too, also in my 30s. As is a certain lack of emotional connection. Is it possible that he was unaware of the ‘social rules’ on men holding hands and just went along with it? I would seriously research the experiences of women who have ASD/aspie partners and see if any of it sounds familiar. Lots of private support groups on FB for example. Total lifesaver - makes a lot of strangeness make sense.

EllenRipley · 21/01/2020 18:57

Really just repeating what others have said OP... I think I'm very open minded and I'd like to think that there was nothing 'suspicious' about this. There shouldn't be. But it is extremely unusual in this country/culture, and added to the fact you have pretty much zero sex life - and therefore it seems unlikely that you share any hand holding kind of affectionate intimacies with him - you should be asking ALOT more questions. He's deliberately not revealed something about his life, and his relationship with this friend, to you. I'd be surprised if there weren't a few more clues in your relationship that you maybe haven't picked up on... SorryThanks

GilbertMarkham · 21/01/2020 19:17

He's deliberately not revealed something about his life

Actually he's revealed something about his life in that he doubted his sexuality (as being hereto) as a teen and had romantic/sexual feelings for a male friend .... A heterosexual man diesnt sat things like "I used to hold hands with my close teenage male friend too and thought I had feelings for him; but it turned out we were just really good friends" without you going Hmm.

GilbertMarkham · 21/01/2020 19:18

*doesn't say

What he's not revealed other than that,and in particular in relation to this other guy... Is another story.

topcat2014 · 21/01/2020 19:22

I have friends who I have known for 25 years, and who I hug on arrival. You could say I love them in a platonic way. Never held hand though, unless for example pulling out of a river or something!

JurassicParkaha · 21/01/2020 19:44

In some Asian cultures (like where I grew up), it is common, but even then it was often considered latent homosexuality as a result of not being able to show PDAs with the opposite sex. I think, given he isn't affectionate or particularly intimate with you, he probably is either gay or bi. The fact this changed after marriage says something as well, as he clearly knows how to show affection, but chooses not to.

Also, the story of holding hands with someone he thought he had feelings for, speaks to how he associates this with emotion/romantic attachment. That would worry me. Maybe ask to be invited along the next time he meets this friend, or check his browsing history if you share a computer/tablet - he may watch gay porn as an outlet? I'd never normally advise this, but I don't think he will admit this when questioned, or could also be deeply in the closet even to himself. Definitely raise your concerns about the infrequent sex (if this bothers you) and maybe suggest couples counselling too. I wish you luck resolving this!

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