What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

Yeah - but you'll never really know for sure, will you?

Well, plenty of people have a bio child and an adopted child and say the love is the same, plus scientifically of course there are hormones that make us protect our child initially but it doesn't continue. Many people don't feel love for their child straight away - it develops over time like other relationships. My love for my nephew developed over time like my love for my DC. I think it is you that will never really know as you don't have children and that is why perhaps you don't understand.

Then why aren't more people adopting
Surely you understand adopting a child involves much more than just loving them? Firstly the adoption process is extremely tough. Criteria for adopting a child is different to having your own child. They have to have their own bedroom, for example. Taking on an adopted child means mostly taking on a damaged child. That is an extremely difficult thing to do and not everyone is able to do that.

What would like be like - quiet !.

Life be like , sorry keyboard error

This thread has really made me think about motherhood and my feelings around it.
I'm in my mid 40s with 2 fantastic late teen kids, who generally are a pleasure to be with and haven't caused me many issues.
I have been a totally lone parent since they were tiny, have managed to have a good career.
On the flip side my mental health was very poor in my 20s ,the pressure of rearing kids has often felt utterly relentless.
I had a difficult teen life and my own family is a emotional minefield and I had to work really hard not to make the same mistakes as my parents.
Essentially I feel I got lucky, my kids are healthy ,emotionally well and functioning members of society. I'm well and at 45 am moving into next stage of my life.My mental health is great and has been for a long time.
Having kids made me a better and probably more successful person and I seem to have broken the cycle of what I came from. It worked,but my god it was a big risk when I think about it with both mine and the kids lives.Im glad I did it but if it hadn't 'worked' not so sure I'd feel the same way.

@TwinkleFoes - I think you're the only one that has said this but the love for your kids is the purest and best and strongest and you're missing out without it' So you're just arguing with yourself!

I'm mid 30s and DH is early 40s. Early on, we talked about children and owning our own family home. As the years progressed, our close friends became parents and we saw the dynamics in their relationships change. They went from being a carefree, lovey dovey couple to being parents. Often resentful, exhausted but loving their new family unit. We decided we didn't really "want" children, but felt pressure from family and friends. We are still child free and never intend on having children. It works for us. We can enjoy spontaneous getaways, do as we please with our finances, have a tidy home, good careers, a great social life. We are doting "auntie and uncle" to the little ones in our family and friends circle. But the point you mention about the growing older part was something that we talked at lenght about. We know what will go towards our care when we're older (care home, assisted living, etc) in terms of finances and planning.
It can be a tough decision OP, and something you and your DH need to be open and honest about. How does he feel about having children?

@Getitwright - I think there are positives and negatives to how it changes your relationship with your partner. One big positive is you both think your own child is amazing in a way that noone other than you 2 do - it gives you a special bond. Of course your relationship changes so you have much less alone time, initial lack of sleep can make you grumpy with each other. There can be resentment if one feels they are doing more with the baby etc. Personally for me the positives out weighed the negatives but I think that's because we both really wanted to have a baby - so both were ready to be fully involved and to take the bad with the good.

@EmpressLesbianInChair - this is true. I would quite like to send mine 'home' somewhere else, at times!

See how you feel in a few years OP. I definitely didn't want children when I was in my 20's. O
However once we had been fortunate enough to buy our house, travel the world and were settled in our careers we wanted a child (we have one DS). I love our new life, but similarly we would have been equally fulfilled and probably continued to have an equally enjoyable life without children, it would have just been different. People will judge you whatever you do, if you don't have children, if you only have one, if you have too many, if you go back to work, if you hate soft play and can't be arsed to go; so do what you both want to do.

EmpressLesbianInChair - this is true. I would quite like to send mine 'home' somewhere else, at times!

Add that to my lifelong phobia of messy eaters and it would have had to be a VERY strong biological urge to get me to have kids!

I think if you look at it rationally, no one would choose to have kids. They're hard work, a big commitment, childcare is really expensive, they wreck your career (For the early years at least, assuming you want to cut down hours to spend time with them).

I was much like you- really wasn't sure I wanted them, never felt I had a child-shaped gap in my life. My life was busy, meaningful and fun. I enjoyed my job and was keen to have a career that went places.

I hit 30 and had a mid life crisis of sorts- a panic about clocks ticking etc and dd1 arrived 10 months after my 30th birthday. I don't regret it- what the moaners don't tell you is that it might hard work, but watching a child grow up is also the most joyous thing I have EVER done.

However, while I am really pleased that we decided we would go for it, I also don't doubt that I wouldn't have missed them if I had never had them. My personal fulfilment would probably be better if anything as I have (temporarily) given up many of my own interests while we juggle very small children, childcare and work.

While I wouldn't take my desicion back, and feel utterly privileged to be watching my little people turning into bigger ones, there is a part of me that is looking forward to the point where we have more independence again to pursue our own interests. (And the money... when the wee one turns 3 we're going to feel like millionaires!!).

People who do nothing but moan about parenting drive me nuts through- and there were plenty of this who put a bit of a dampener on my first pregnancy too. It is honestly the most magical thing I have experienced. It IS hard work, but the joy, magic and fun outstrip that by miles.

Thanks to those who replied to my question. Good to hear. It would have been my biggest worry had we had a child.
I think we had decided that neither of us wanted to give up our careers to raise a child, and that we didn’t want to have anyone else doing the childcare if we didn’t. Purely a personal choice, but one of the things we discussed. We both had stay at home Mums who brought us up, full time homemakers and parents. Both had had early careers, but gave them up to concentrate on children. DP was one of seven, so MIL was very busy, a career in itself. My Mum got herself pt work once we had gone to school, but it was just a job, her real skill was raising us us, teaching us all sorts of brilliant skills and interests that have enriched our later lives. Dad was the same, although he had less daily time with us, but he was full on at weekends and holidays.
I don’t think it’s as easy nowadays to raise children, a lot more stresses and strains, so I have a lot of respect for those parents who make a success of it. But I know we made a good decision for us.