What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

I can't be the only one who is bored senseless without my kids, I honestly wouldn't see the point to life if I didn't have kids x

I think that’s really sad, and hard on your kids to be the only source of interest in your life.

Even when I had a partner and we did have loads of nice things and went nice places etc, it still felt like there was an emptiness. I have not found anything that makes the emptiness go away.

I don't see how people can think that holidays, expensive cars, meals out etc somehow make up for having no kids. Material things have never ever given me happiness. I'd take happiness over money any day.

The old stereotype of the childfree woman rears its head again. I can't speak for others but for us:

• Holiday - annual week in static caravan with dog, costs about £300. Otherwise just visit parents or stay at home and do day trips.
• Car - small hatchback, 4 years old, cost about £7000 when brand new
• Meals out - less than once a month on average, mostly when on holiday. Usually pub restaurants, average cost about £30 per head. Don't use drive-thrus, Macdonalds etc. at all (hate the 'fast food' concept) and rarely have takeaways - maybe 3 x a year. Take a packed lunch into work.

I've never felt maternal but I know I'm still young and that might change, although I would be very surprised if it did. I love children, they're sweet and funny and full of surprises but I've never imagined them being in my future. I'm also aware that having them would be a real financial struggle for me and my partner, so that's another issue. I suppose I am waiting for the time to come where I really, really know that I want them, but if I'm even the slightest bit unsure then I won't risk it.

siblings can’t understand our low stress levels and almost total freedom to do as we like.

People with children can definitely remember their life pre-kids and the low stress levels and freedom, a little wistfully perhaps especially when their children are little and demanding.

That was me - I was on the fence about dc and not a maternal type. Dh definitely wanted dc and so I had 2. I found it difficult when the dcs were young (for all the reasons the childfree are put off having dcs). Now that my dcs are 13 and 16, I am still very busy but it is so rewarding to see them becoming the individuals with their own personalities and challenges. I have lie-ins, have the grownup career, and the dcs now help with housework and errands.

Moral of the story is that the stereotypical view of parenthood (sleepless nights, no time to use the toilet, chaotic house) is only for a short time. The dcs grow so fast and every year it changes. Now they are following their own trajectory with less input from dh and I but more input in other ways. 2 persons are now 4 and maybe there will be grandchildren someone down the line. Life is busy.

I almost never had children. I would have totally regretted it had I known what I would have missed. That is of course my opinion.

It is not selfish not to have any dcs so long as you are comfortable with the what ifs.

Why is everyone hating on my comment because I'm bored with my kids lol
I go to work when they are at school and nursery and obviously do other stuff when I'm in the house on my own I rather them be with me yes it's boring without them around, all the time they aren't grown up I love having them around

I am nearing the end of my reproductive years and have never had children, simply because I never wanted any. We’re not rolling in cash, we don’t have a flashy lifestyle, it’s a myth that the childfree are solely motivated by the material things in life. I think that if you don’t have a strong wish for children, you’re possibly better off not having them. Children deserve to be wanted, whether their conception is planned or not. I would rather regret not having children than regret having them - and some women do regret this, although few will admit it publicly.

Why is everyone hating on my comment because I'm bored with my kids lol

I wouldn’t say hating - it’s lovely that you love having your kids around, obviously! It just sounds so depressing to be bored shitless a lot of the time.

Being child free affords me the time and headspace to do all the things I want to do.

I work, I volunteer, I study and I have hobbies and a social life. I can just about squeeze all of these things in. If I had children, something would have to go.

I totally get why people want children to enhance their life, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to say you’d be bored without them.....they’ll become teenagers and want their own lives in the blink of an eye......then they leave home.

What then?!

I can't imagine life without children. It would be eerily quiet. Things like Christmas would be much more boring without seeing it through a child's eyes. A lot of the love and joy would be absent from my life.

Obviously, it's up to you if you want children there must be pros and cons on both sides. You could do a pros and cons list and see how it works out.

I’m a mother and think my life would be just as full without kids.

What’s wrong with enjoying travel, learning, sex in the middle of the day, uninterrupted adult conversations, immersion in a career that gives you purpose?

Having and not having kids are both valid choices.

@MGC31 - I really don't think I could have enriched my life in the same way. The bond with my children is like nothing else.

I’m a mother and think my life would be just as full without kids.

Same here. I read some of the Facebook threads from parents whose DC have gone to university and they feel utterly bereft and lost. Some of the mums sob all summer at the thought of their children going away.

I feel like telling them to get a life. We only "have" our children for a short time, and if we have done a good job at bringing them up we should celebrate their independence instead of guilt tripping them for going away.

DD is at university, and now I am making the most of being able to get on with life and make spontaneous decisions about going away or being able to eat out at a restaurant that DD doesn't like etc.

Of course it is a different story if your student DC are unhappy though, and that I do understand.

I know I would go insane being a SAHM. It’s very clearly mind numbingly boring going on what people say

I didn't find it boring, atall. Personally I find my children fascinating!

"My biggest factor for being childfree is that I simply don't want children. This is something I have always known, just like how some people say they have always known they want children.

I have no maternal urge, never have. I don't get 'broody'. I don't want to go through pregnancy. I'm not interested in looking after a baby. Being a parent is just not appealing to me and to be honest, I think I would be a terrible one.

I'm not childfree because I would rather have more holidays and a nicer car etc, that's just a bonus."

This. I don't have a flash car, live in a show home, go on world cruises or have a high flying career. I just do not want to be a mother. I have ended long term relationships over it because I would rather be single for the rest of my life than have a baby.

I am a mother and think my life would be just as full without kids.What’s wrong with enjoying travel, learning, sex in the middle of the day, uninterrupted adult conversations, immersion in a career that gives you purpose?

I do all those things and my dcs are teenagers. The restrictions on lifestyle are only in their early years. By the time the dcs are in secondary school, they are so much easier and can help out around the house and get to places by themselves. It is not either / or, just postponement.

Money is tighter with dcs without a doubt. However, in my case and I think for many breadwinners, spurs me on to get promotions so that for the same time out of the house, I get more remuneration per hour. Our house is much bigger and in a better area of schools by necessity (and we have enjoyed the capital gains from house over the years). We work harder as parents but will probably also end up with more.

The busy-ness and tiredness of life with dcs is not a wasted effort but a very much a creative endeavour and in some ways an investment too (non-guaranteed returns, of course).

Dcs are not for everyone (and I totally respect anybody's decision not to have them). My point is that the some of the sacrifices that parents make for dcs can be short-term but reap long term benefits.

This is completely dependant on the person. I have 4 children and have never found it hard. However I love been round my children and they are part of my life. I don't need a break from them . However I completely understand others don't want children.
It is just everyone is individual and has different needs and wants.

It's absolutely awesome, don't regret it one bit and don't understand why anyone would choose to have them

@TheMemoryLingers - this thread is full of people saying how children have enriched their life as it is the topic of the thread. But generally speaking parents more often come to Mumsnet to post about an issue with their children than just to say how amazing they are!

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

This was the OP’s original post. Why then is the thread overrun with parents saying how wonderful their lives are because they had children? They weren’t being asked. The thread wasn’t directed at them. The question wasn’t about them and their choices. Why then do they feel the need to jump in to try to convince us that their way is the right way? Or maybe they’re just trying to convince themselves.

No children. No regrets.

Why then is the thread overrun with parents saying how wonderful their lives are because they had children?

Every single thread I have seen on this issue ends up the same. It's such a shame that someone can't ask about being child free without lots of people parents telling them our experiences are invalid.

The thing is, people who want children and have them are happy. People who don't want them and don't have them are also happy.

And never the twain shall meet.

I have sympathy for women desperate for children and are unable to have them though.