What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

@TwinkleFoes - you're probably right! I definitely think a lot of the feelings around having children are instinctual. I do think my kids are the best thing ever (but have the insight that they aren't to other people!) I am the type of person to get obsessed with a topic. When I was having babies I was obsessed with the topic and found it fascinating! I like to think I make my children's life better than, humdrum - but who knows? I'm certainly trying my best and that is all that matters.

@leftovercoffeecake, that’s me as well. No maternal instincts, don’t find wanting to raise a child remotely interesting, from making the decision along with DP neither of us have ever had a single regret. It has been said to us that we are totally wrapped up in each other, soul mates, friends, lovers. We share a lot of hobbies, happy to support each other with the hobbies we don’t share. Similar outlook on life, politics, education, career paths. We are complete without anyone else. Just the way it is for us.

@WobblyAllOver - as happens on threads the discussion moves on. Child-free people were asking questions of parents. It seems rather defensive to suggest people can't join in the discussion because they have children.

I have one child and I love him dearly but of course you can have a wonderful, fulfilling life without having children. Don’t let society bully you into having them if the urge isn’t there!

I’ve said this on a few similar threads, but I loved my life before DD (2.5, great human!) and I also love it now. It is harder in a lot of ways but it’s also lovely. I don’t feel any happier or more fulfilled than before her, as I had a wonderful, full life then too. It’s just different now, but in a good way.

I had such an overwhelming urge to have a baby and I am so, so glad I have her. She is 14 months and it was love at first sight. She brings so much joy into our lives and her extended family. I personally did not know a love like it existed and I wouldn't be without her for the world.

But I wanted children, I think if you don't want them you absolutely shouldn't feel any pressure to have them!

Tbh it does surprise me that so many people have kids because it's so much bloody work and heart ache!

Left to my own devices I would probably have been a 'no kids, no regrets' person. But I have to say I find life more full and enjoyable with them.

No one can advise really because it depends on the couple / person. I would say though how much you 'like kids' might not be that much of a factor. I still don't really like other people's kids (slightly more than I used to) but I adore my own.

@Sipperskipper I kind of feel the same. Like for example travel/holidays have changed, we used to go sailing, skiing and to places like Thailand which are all off the cards at the mo but actually now a nice hotel somewhere hot is actually quite fun and I would have hated that pre kids.

I'm so excited for when they are old enough to ski, are strong swimmers so are safe to sail (and can help!) and we can take them to more exotic places.

@TwinkleFoes that's bull shit, you could say the same about any love, if you look at it that way we only 'love' our partners or have sex because of a evolutionary urge to pro-create!

It’s not horrid hard work , it’s lovely hard work having children. I am so glad I have them and will get slated for saying this but if you work full time and have children it’s not surprising that you’re exhausted, rattling, and not enjoying raising them because you’re not really. The nursery, childminder, school is. Raising children is a job in its own right. How can you be expected to do that and work full time?

I cannot think of a single reason why having children is a good thing

That's quite a sad statement

It’s not horrid hard work

It feels like it sometimes. When DD was small I would have loved to have an evening off the routine of bath and bedtime. DD was terrible at going to bed and was never tired. Sadly, she makes up for it now as she has CFS.

@TwinkleFoes - to be fair you could say that about any love. Love for our partners is all hormonal and therefore 'trick' love. Love for a baby could initially be instinct but it develops over time as you get to know and is as real as any love I have felt. I wouldn't say I never knew love til I had my child. But I didn't know this type of love as obviously I wasn't a parent.

The way love for a friend develops over time - it is the same for your child - if love for a friend is 'real' or for a non-genetic child then love for a bilogical child is also 'real', imo.

My DW and I add doing our bit for the planet and not having children. Our choice.

We are early 40’s. Our cat is A great companion and needs us to feed it and let it out and In.

All of our friends have kids and they seem constantly stressed or tired. Or both. Not for us and don’t feel guilty or shamed at all.

Onerous...pretty awful... uncanny how everyone has the same experiences of being a parent.

Love my DD more than life itself and I would die without her. But having had her I feel very confident in saying that having children is not the be all and end all of happiness. DH and I would have been just as happy without children, just in a different way. She's the light of my life but everything else in my life has taken a back seat since she arrived, so is less fulfilling. And while she more than makes up for it, I don't think people without children are missing out. I mean, they are in that having children is a unique experience and brings unique joys, but so does having a marriage that you've put all your energy into, or travelling the world, or dedicating yourself to your career or passions. Does that make sense? Nobody can have it all. Choose the path that feels right for you and make the most of it.

Having children is not “pretty awful” at all ha!! It’s absolutely amazing and has enriched my life beyond anything I could’ve imagined. The love I have for them is astonishing and is the best of my life.

Some people will be happier with children and others are perfectly happy without. It’s isnt an “awful” experience though - usually!

@TwinkleFoes - surely you can see if someone can really love a child they adopt they can really love a bio child too.

I don't think anyone is 'in it for the genes' conciously but obviously our instincts make us long for a child. This is no different for an adoptive parent.

I am a little bit curious about how having a child can/might/does affect your relationship with a partner or husband?

Fully appreciate that some choose to be a single parent.