What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

@Twinklefoes

Because for 9 months this person grew inside me.
And for 18 months he hasn’t left my side.
So I’ve worked very hard on building an incredibly strong relationship, which has resulted in a wonderfully fulfilled sense of love.
I don’t spend this amount of time with anyone else, and the simple idea that I brought him into the world I find magical and incredibly rewarding

Like I said @TwinkleFoes , you seem odd. Not even annoyingly odd, just bizarre, and quite unacceptable of anyone else’s view. I’m almost quite glad you’ve chosen not to replicate your genes

I'm agreeing with your point @TwinkleFoes , but what's wrong with that? Why can't we love our offspring?? Why can't we enjoy that? What does the fact that it's down to our natural instinct, make it any less real? It makes it more real!!

Thanks to those who wrote the nice, helpful responses to my questions. It was interesting to read your views.

And @Twinklefoes, adoption really isn’t as easy as you’re making it out to be. Lots of my friends have given up on the adoption process because they don’t “fit criteria”

to be fair you could say that about any love. Love for our partners is all hormonal and therefore 'trick' love.

Even when you are long past the age of procreation?

I am starting to get your point @TwinkleFoes but I don't think it's as black and white as you think. I'm not really a kid person, it bores me to death having to 'make toys talk' with my toddler, I don't like Peppa pig and it's annoying having to sit with them in dark silence while they fall asleep. The list is endless really.

But then today for example, we've been swimming, just at the local leisure centre. Both kids on top form, I can honestly say I just thoroughly enjoyed their company and had such a great time. Felt so full of love and happiness. Truth is it does make up for all the hard / boring times.

Also. They are only babies/little for a bit and then are just little people who you form a friendship with. Same as you would anyone else.

But people adopt children with whom they have no genetic link all the time, and love them as much as biological children, @TwinkleFoes.

It’s not remotely ‘out there’, @TwinkleFoes, it’s the kind of tiresome, belligerent pontificating you typically get on conspiracy theory fora — you are patently congratulating yourself on having seen through the ‘trick’ of genetic love —9/11–. Your point about adoptive parenting — which, yes, I had missed reading — suggests how little you understand about parenting. (And in response to your (naive) question about why more people don’t adopt — because getting approved and matched is hard, lengthy and intrusive, and you are (rightly) held to higher standards the biological parents, so it’s far easier to have a birth child.)

But by all means continue to congratulate yourself on not following the ‘trick love’ sheeple.

I am also child free. The reasons are that for me the good parts don't outweigh the bad in my opinion. I also crave simplicity and solitude which are two things children sort of ruin!

I do sometimes think my life is very self indulgent. I spend hours running in the hills at weekends as I love it. I take long leisurely sessions in the steam room before work. I go to bed early with a book and a massive brew. And if I'm honest I'm sometimes struck by the fact that everything I do is about me and I just follow my every whim - because I can. Is that selfish? Maybe so.

No one benefits from me being alive. Yes I have a job and a partner and nieces and care about all those things. But I suppose other than that I have no obligations or responsibilities and I do feel guilty sometimes.

interesting thread. I have 1 DC (16 months) and as I'm 41, we really need to crack on if we want a second and I'm just not sure. I love DC dearly but it is a bloody hard slog, especially as I also work (albeit only 4 days a week and role is v flexible). I hear it gets better from 3 onwards so wondering whether, if we don't have another (if were able now anyway given my age) we'll regret it.

I do think back wistfully about how easy life was pre-DC and obviously now he's here I love him to pieces and wouldn't give him up but I do wonder how different life would have been without him. Not helped at minute by fact we had zero sleep all last week as DC had bad cold and now no sleep again as we both have it but obvs can't just go to bed and rest!

Also. They are only babies/little for a bit and then are just little people who you form a friendship with. Same as you would anyone else.

Except that these little people, unlike anyone else, live with you. All the time. And you can’t send them home because they are home.

I would really struggle with the idea of anyone else living in my flat. Let alone anyone else I was specifically responsible for. And I hear what you’re all saying about the special love etc but no.

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie no, of course it's not selfish, why would it be? I am intrigued though, do you feel no one with children could do those things?

What I think is dangerous, is the idea that it's the 'best' 'purest' kind of love. This can lead to people feeling like their missing out by just valuing friendships and a place in society. They might choose a path that they really aren't suited to.

I agree with this. I also think that telling women that the love they will feel for their child is better than any other love is actually quite dangerous. I've known a lord of mothers who didn't feel that instant love, who struggled to bond and then blamed themselves for not feeling it and ended up with a lot of problems with PND. One was my sister. It took her three years to feel like she bonded and loved her son.

@twinklefoes I think I love you.

All those saying how kids have improved and enriched their lives make me a little sad. What happens if at 18 your kids decide to move out and rarely visit or move to the other side of the world? What do you have then? Can your life never be as enriched?

@Scatterlit Tbf, not nearly as tiresome as the belligerent pontificating you get by people who view the childfree as a different breed and just don't (want to) get why some people don't want children.

I am frankly bemused at how offended and threatened you seem by the childfree, you are awfully condescending.

@TwinkleFoes you are on the money but in a world where humans believe themselves to be more than just one animal species among many, and where most have forgotten we are for the most part slaves to our genetic make up, you will hugely offend anyone you try to remind of that...

I can't remember if it was someone on here who wrote 'I could imagine having kids if I could be the stereotype of a 1950s dad', and that's exactly how I feel. I wouldn't mind going to work, coming home to dinner on the table, spending an hour with the kids before bed time (and a bit of time on the weekend) and that being it..

Similarly, I have 2 friends who never had a desire to have kids, but whose partners have kids from previous relationships. Although I'm sure that comes with its own challenges, they seem to quite enjoy this part-time parenthood.

I have no strong desire to have kids and I think the all- encompassing nature of parenthood is one major turn off for me.

I am in my early 30s now and most friends are childless, although some have had had kids. It will be interesting to see how the next few years pan out. I can imagine being childless potentially feels more isolating initially if more people around me are starting to have kids.

I had my first child at 22 and barely an adult. I never gave myself a chance to consider life without children - I knew I wanted them before I was even grown up.

Looking back now, with my first born going to be 22 this year I realise how young I was.

However, I don’t regret having children. The adult children are switching from being my responsibility to becoming my friends which is amazing. My younger children are secondary school age so they are easier too.

I do wonder what life would have been like had I chosen another path, probably like everyone does, would I have had a decent career? Would I have had more travel experience? etc.

@grumbley yes of course they can do those things. But to a lesser extent (let's face it) and on top of the million and one tasks of parenthood. So it isn't as straight forward.