What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

I know lots of people in their late 30's early 40's who are only now considering starting a family, now that they've enjoyed being a "couple" and feel financially secure enough to have children. You have plenty of time to make your decision. Likewise I have friends who have had their children young, and now these children are adults, moving out and the parents are "empty nesters" at a relatively young age.

I also have friends who don't have children, whether that was a choice, or if they've just never became pregnant, and I'm sure that they wonder what it would have been like, but I'm not sure they would change anything...

Thanks @Retroflex, do your friends without children worry about being lonely when they get older?

39 yr old single female. Have always said I didn’t want children. Don’t regret it one little bit. Still don’t want them. All I see is people moaning and complaining about how they regret it, how hard it is, how many sacrifices they’ve made (ie resentment), how it wasn’t what they thought it would be like, how their partner does nothing or has left, how they have no money, how their marriage/relationship is worse...... blah blah blah.

I cannot think of a single reason why having children is a good thing.

Having children doesn't guarantee that you won't be lonely.

Why would not having children be selfish?

I’m in my 30s in a long term relationship, no kids and no regrets.

Also, the being lonely in older age thing. I already deal with a huge amount of elderly people with huge families who do fuck all for them so having children means nothing in that regard. You can feel lonely in a crowded room.

Finally, I plan on checking out on my own terms as and when life isn’t what I can make it.

Good for you @MGC31! :-) a few of my friends have children already and although I love all the kids to pieces and the bond seems magical, they do struggle... breastfeeding, childcare, work/life balance... if I could be a SAHM and dedicate myself to children it would probably be more appealing but I don’t think we’d ever be in this position, I’ll likely out earn my partner in 5-10 years.

@Ginfordinner good point!

@user7522689 I don’t know, it just feels like we “should” have children and it’s just the done thing! We live in a fairly rural area where most people are more family orientated, rather than focusing on careers etc so don’t know whether that influences us? And we both come from families of 3 children.

I know I would go insane being a SAHM. It’s very clearly mind numbingly boring going on what people say.

I don’t even want to be pregnant. Bleeeuurrghhh. Sounds hideous.

I don’t hate children but I definitely don’t particularly like being in their company. I am actually quite good with infants and children but I can’t cope with them for too long.

I’m very happily childfree by choice.

I always knew I didn’t want to have children. I don’t have a maternal or nurturing cell in my body, and I didn’t particularly like children even when I was one myself. I have never, ever been ‘broody’, which to me is a meaningless concept. Obviously, most people choose to have children. Good for them. I am not ‘most people’ and I don’t want to be. Who wants to be normal, anyway? Fortunately, DP agrees completely.

Childfree life suits me very well. I have plenty of money, plenty of freedom and plenty of choices as to how I spend my money and free time. Both DP and I have expensive and time-consuming hobbies which we pursue independently. We travel a lot and really enjoy it.

Downsides? For me, none at all. Not having children was a very positive choice for me and I have absolutely zero regrets.

I'm 40 this year and have never wanted children. I've never regretted it for a single minute. In fact, most of my friends started having children in the last five years and if anything I'm even happier with my choice after closely observing how their lives are. And listening to all the complaints.

Having children is no guarantee that you won't be lonely or that you'll have someone to 'look after you' when you're old. That's an incredibly naïve point of view.

This is a personal decision. I have 2 dc, married but no family support... I actually changed that from no support as I have lots of friends! But when kids were small date nights were rare... a couple of times a year and no overnighters. I wouldn’t change anything, and I ALWAYS knew I wanted dc, so I would say it has to be something you want. Wait until you want a child, and if you never do then that’s the right decision for you.

Why would not having children be selfish?

This!

Having children is literally the most selfish thing you can do. People do it because they want a child, or they feel that their life is missing something- it’s not a philanthropist endeavour at all.

DH and I chose not to have them and have no regrets. In fact he got a vasectomy to make sure we don't have them.
Very happy with our child free life and what not having them enables us to do.

DH and I will not be having children by choice. I have always been fascinated by the potential that my body could produce life and I would be curious about the idea of pregnancy and giving birth. But being responsible for a whole other person for the rest of my life is not a commitment I want get involved with. As well at the responsibility thing the money aspect is a big factor that I'm not willing compromise my lifestyle for.

Life was devoid of any real.meaning for me. Work and holidays and restaurants etc on my personally for me so far, but it was just such a shallow life just living for myself.

5 days out of 7 I probably wish I'd stayed child free. Nothing to do with my DS - he's a superstar and I love the bones of him. Just the long hard slog of it all. It's relentless.

What irritates me is people trying to gain respect or sympathy for being a parent, like it’s the hardest thing in the entire world, and anyone that hasn’t been “blessed” with that experience can’t possibly understand. Oh do fuck off.

Or the ones that like to think of parent-hood as some sort of victimisation....like they’re owed whatever the fuck they want because they have a small person in their family, despite the fact they chose to grow that tiny human, and contribute to the growing population crisis in the world.

Trust me, it’s brilliant! Never had any, never wanted any. Decided as a couple, never regretted our decision. We like and love the children of our siblings, enjoy their company, love to hear what they are up to, take them out, share in their fun and lives. But we also enjoy doing our own thing, sharing our hobbies, work, holidays, lifestyle at a much lower stress level than our siblings. 😁

You’re still very young. You may well find, as I have done, that relatively few people in your circle go down the route of having children. It’s increasingly normal, whether a choice or not, so I don’t know anyone who seems particularly concerned about their old age.

Bringing extra lives into this challenging world because you feel like you ought to is hardly selfless. It's not some moral duty. Whose benefit is it for? Isn't it more selfish to create lifeforms for your own joy or needs (e.g. Fear of being lonely)?

Selfish: lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

I would have thought having children is the selfish action. If that's the word you want to use for this decision. I personally don't think it's selfish to have children or not have children - I do think it's selfish to have children and then fail them as a parent. The future children are the only ones warranting consideration in this scenario.

It's a huge responsibility to bring someone into the world who will have to go through hard times, pain, stress, suffering - and may not have the same good fortune you've had so could experience serious suffering. If you aren't really committed to doing your duty by them, I don't think it's right to have children. Regardless of what people around you do.

If you're making decisions on having children based on guilt about feeling "selfish", I think that sets everyone up for pain. Certainly gets in the way of you making the right decision for your life.

See what life looks like in five years. You might feel totally different about your setup or feel more strongly either way.

I’m childfree by choice too, and at 46 I don’t think I’m going to change my mind now. I love spending time with my niece & nephew (13 & 10), I’ve just never felt the desire to have my own. The ‘good bits’ don’t hold any more attraction for me than the ‘bad bits’.

I’m going to say NOW that at some point on this thread, some poster will disingenuously ask why people without kids are on Mumsnet. At that point we all shout BINGO.

Don't feel pressured into having children. If you like your life as it is that is not selfish.

We are very happily childfree for this reason