What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

We're in the baby stage and it's tough at times but we went into it with our eyes as open as we could and having had over a decade together of just us.

It's lovely, though sometimes hard, and I wouldn't change the way we did it. The reason I chose to have children was because I wanted the rewarding life-long 'project' with my wonderful husband and because, for want of a better way of putting it, I have always vaguely felt that the point and purpose of my achievements was family and to bring up the next generation as well and easily as possible.

I'm trying to choose my words carefully because I'm certainly not saying there is no point to a life that doesn't include children(!) but that was always my 'point' and the meaning I found in my life if you see what I mean.

If you do decide to have children I would strongly recommend an equal partner to share the load! I would be a bit of a wreck without that in these early days!

My DC (I have three aged 10 to 14) are awesome and I really love being a mum. For me it was an easy decision to have kids - I'm one of those people who'd wanted them ever since I was a teen (although I actually got pregnant for the first time aged 30).

I respect anyone's decision to remain child free and agree with posters who say that it is definitely not a selfish decision.

And he helps me find the joy in everything.. seeing a aeroplane in the sky, hearing birds in the trees and feeding the ducks. They are all a big deal to him and he makes me stop and appreciate the beauty in all of the little things in life.

55, childfree by choice and very capable of seeing the beauty in life on my own, or with my fab DP of 26 years. But then, we get to spend lots of time enjoying the outdoors because we're not ferrying DCs/DGCs around all the time.

Having kids is giving your happiness to someone else to look after. Not a risk I was ever prepared to take.

It’s wonderful For me. I have no regrets and I can honestly say that my life is very fulfilling and enjoyable. I also am very fortunate to earn a higher salary and I think this is a hugely important factor.

There is no drudgery or obligation in my life. Spontaneity, the ability to make my own choices and last minute decisions are important to me. I want to be able to randomly stop at a cafe on the way home and read for a couple of hours or ask my boyfriend if he wants to come into town for lunch after I’ve been shopping without planning in advance or it being a Big Thing.

But you can only make the best decision you can with the information you have. I think it’s good you are carefully considering this

Having children is way more selfish than considering your options and deciding not to have children. People have children because they WANT children. There is no selfless act there. You need to be selfless once the children arrive.

Whatever choice you make is the right one OP, as long as it's the one you and your partner are happy wirh. Having children doesn't guarantee you a lifetime of happiness and company in old age, but it can be wonderful. As can remaining childfree! You're still young, go with the flow and see how you feel.

It is not selfish to not want to have children but equally it is not selfish to have children.

Of course it’s selfish to have children. And I say that as a mother of two. People mostly have children to fulfil some need or want they have within themselves.
Of course once the baby is born you have to sacrifice a lot (time, money, sleep etc) to adequately care for them for 18+ years. But that doesn’t change the fact that making the choice to bring a child into the world is a selfish one, especially when the world is in the state it’s in now.

This morning I got up at 5.45, watched a lot of Peppa Pig, stopped the toddler from snogging the cat’s bottom and am currently retrieving dried Cheerios from various locations around the kitchen table. This is after working till 10.30pm every night this week as a teacher.

Two years ago we’d absolutely have still been in bed right now, maybe with plans to go out for a nice lunch later. Our house would be spotless. I’d have been all caught up on work because of being able to spend Sunday afternoons on the sofa doing planning.

Having said that, I wouldn’t change having our little girl for the world - she’s the light of our lives. Yes we do moan, but it’s (mostly) lighthearted.

Good friends of ours never plan to have children and have a brilliant life - gorgeous house, lots of holidays abroad, nice cars etc.

Sadly I think it’s a case of always wondering whether the grass is greener on the other side.....there’s nothing to say that you can’t wait another five years at your age though!

I very much wanted children but fertility problems meant we were unable to have them. We grieved, went through some dark times. But tbh at this stage in life I’m quite relieved we didn’t have them. Joining MN has been a bit of an eye opener in that respect. I certainly don’t feel my life is empty or without meaning and there is plenty of joy and laughter,

These types of thread are pointless. You tend to end up with two polarised viewpoints who each end up pushing their own side and taking swipes at the other.

To decision to have kids is very personal to each individual. There is no right way or wrong way, there is just personal choice. Different paths in life. One is not better than the other just different.

I am child free by choice, and am perfectly happy with my decision and have no regrets.

We wanted them but not desperately, we couldn’t have them & I can’t say I regret it.

@Beansprout30

I completely agree with you. I only have one child and my life has changed for the better. It is hard work but it is very much worth it to hear her say “I love you mummy” and the way my child looks at me sometimes, and how funny she is with her outlook on the world (she is only 4 with lots of questions)
I’m the same regarding money, too.
I didn’t read your post and think you made a sweeping generalisation, I thought you posted how YOU felt. Ignore the other posters.

Is this really the best website you can find if you are childless? That's disappointing I would have thought the exciting child free world could offer a much broader attraction than just 'not every post is about children'......

@Beansprout30 I'm not sure why you are getting so much grief on here. I understood your original post perfectly, so don't know why others got it wrong!

My two are early 30s and I will be a grandmother soon. I go cold thinking what my life would be like if they weren't in it.

DH and I live a lovely life; nothing uber-exciting but I have several hobbies, get a great sleep most nights, see friends often, can go to the cinema, gym or cafe for a few hours with zero planning, I look young for my age I'm sure because I haven't suffered from lack of sleep or the added stress kids inevitably bring! My body hasn't suffered through pregnancy/birth (sadly lots of friends have long lasting complications).

It's very freeing being responsible only for myself. We have more money than we'd have if we had kids, so I get to treat myself and not feel guilty. Nothing major, just things I think I wouldn't buy if I had kids (as I'd be wanting to spend on them!).

We do go on wonderful holidays that would be difficult to enjoy/plan/afford with kids, and we go during term time as it's cheaper. It's just a very relaxed, enjoyable life for us. A few times a year we do last minute weekends away and have a few days in London, and I'd really miss these trips if we couldn't go due to having kids.

Are there things childfree couples miss out on? I'm sure there are! Are there things parents miss out on because they have kids? I'm sure there are, too.

There's no right or wrong, but I think to have kids you need to be 100% it's the life you want.

I would really have liked to have children and do regret not having them. It wasn’t really out of choice though (but I couldn’t work out the logistics of fertility treatment). Probably just as well as DH says I can’t commit to breakfast. 🤣 So the reality probably wouldn’t have been for me.

@MGC31 ha! That's def not a reflection of all parents. You're entitled to your cho ie and opinion but I feel for your mates if they all resent their children. Sad sad lives. I have never been happier since mine but totally get that some just never feel the urge.

@SunbeamsOverhead You might want to have a little look through the topics section. There is more non-kid related thank kid related. 👍😏

What @AgeLikeWine said

@TwilightPeace Spot on.

I'm sorry @Beansprout30 got bullied off here for saying something I thought was quite clear and fair enough.

Perhaps if you're getting so wound up about this subject you're not as happy with your choice as you think you are @MGC31 ?

Having children is a choice and each to their own.

I am not sure you need to know whether you want children until you are older to be honest. I didn’t want them until my late thirties and then I wanted one very much. I can’t really explain in other than it felt like it was something that would make my life more fulfilled and meaningful - and for me it has. But I totally respect it isn’t for everyone, I think you will just know later down the line. The other thing is, I am not hard hearted and I do think babies are cute etc but I don’t particularly enjoy being around other people’s children. When I look at my own DD who I adore, I think I wanted this child, not any child. So I wouldn’t decide whether you want a child based on how you feel about other people’s children as it is in no way the same.

Having children has been the very best adventure in my life. That doesn't mean that it is without cost or great effort, no adventure worth its salt is.

hipslikecinderella
I’m sorry you don’t have the imagination to see what child free people might find interesting on mumsnet, never mind