What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

Late 40s and childfree by choice.

It never really appealed to me. Society still expects the women to do most of the childcare and god forbid if you split and the man gets residency.

Also there is no guarantee that your child will not need additional care for the rest of their life. I only have to look on here and see the dedication that others have gone to for their child with disabilities.

Simply put even the so called 'advantages' of having children did not sway me to ever think it would have been a good idea to have one.

My life is happy and meaningful without adding anything permanent to it especially if that addition would impact my life negatively.

I also look around at my peers and I definitely have more disposable income and that affords me a lot of things in my life that I love.

We cant have kids. My partner would like one. I dont want one.

We travel a lot, eat at lovely places, financially comfortable and love each other dearly.

On the whole I think kids are bloody 'orrible and what I see with many of our friends who do have kids certainly does nothing to make me want them.

do your friends without children worry about being lonely when they get older?

As motivations to have children go, this one appears to be weak to me. So many people move around, even go abroad for work or love.

Would having children on the other side of the world stop you feeling lonely ?

Would you try to stop your children moving away ?

Loneliness is at epidemic levels, especially among people who are so busy with bringing up children to have time for good relationships with friends.

Live a good life, do what you want.

Everyone is different, thank goodness, otherwise the world would be very boring.

I always wanted to be a mum. I like babies but prefer children. I even like teenagers.

I've loved every minute of being a parent and my SAHM years were the best of my life so far (I'm in my 50s now). I can honestly say I was never bored.

I gave up a 'fantastic' job to be a SAHM. Senior role, excellent pay, great company, foreign travel (and an amazing, generous final salary pension 😂).

But the hours were relatively long and those week long meetings abroad kept me away from my DC and I resented it.

DH and I speculated a while ago as to how much money we'd have if we hadn't had DC and it would have been a lot. But what would be have done with it? Travel? Yes, but we both travelled a fair bit pre DC and hope to do more when we retire. Buy more 'stuff'? Maybe, but there's not much we want. Stash it away? We have enough, and you can't take it with you.

On the other hand, an old work colleague never wanted DC. She emigrated and has a farm and dogs. She is very sporty in a niche sport which would have been tricky with DC, and seems to be having a great life. She has definitely made the right life choices for her. She was always polite but was horrified by sticky hands and faces. Instead she makes a great product that she's very proud of and is devoted to her dog.

My friend and I made very different decisions in our early 30s but for each of us it was the right one.

@SunbeamsOverhead Reading MN has given me a great insight into what life as a parent might be like should I choose to have children. I think reading about other’s real life experiences with their children is important before making such a huge decision.

I was very broody in my mid-20s and now in my mid-30s that has passed. I’m a Primary teacher and think children are amazing creatures. I love spending my day with them. But there is so much worry and stress involved in bringing these little people to fruition. I know that I would enjoy and love a child of my own, but I also really love the child free life that my DH and I lead. I see the difficulties and hardships that some of even the most loved children (and parents) face and we have made our decision to be child free.

People often say really bizarre things when you tell them you plan not to have children. One that I have heard often from (usually older women) people is ‘but if something happens to DH, you will be all alone’. Well yes, but I won’t have to worry about my children suffering the loss of their father and all the goes with that, on top of my own grief.

Another one (again from older women) is that I am being selfish because my poor mother will want grandchildren. Well she already has grandchildren and why should I sacrifice my life plans to fulfil her needs? (For the record, my mum doesn’t mind either way!)

You will find that plenty of people have strong opinions they feel obliged to share if you choose not to procreate. That, coupled with the ticking biological clock, can constantly lead you to wonder if you’re making the right choice.

Thanks to those who understood my post. If Someone chooses not to have children, that’s absolutely fair enough but I don’t understand the need for some people to portray that kids are just a massive inconvenience, noisy, get in the way etc etc and actually, I’ve never really heard a parent moan that they have it SO bad. I think if you are seeing it that way, as someone above mentioned, perhaps you’re not all that happy that you don’t have children.

I love being a parent and having a family, would never choose not to have children. However I can totally understand why others make that decision. The impact childbirth alone has had on my physical and mental health would be enough to put me off some days.

I think the decision of whether to have kids will rest on what your personalities are like and what you like to do. Myself & DH have been trying for a few years now with no success but our lives are totally set up for children. We both don’t have hobbies (bar sport for him once a week and yoga for me twice), we want to live out in the countryside so we do, we’ve zero interest in going into the city on weekends as we’ve been there all week at work. We don’t like pubs or gyms or cafes or restaurants - we prefer to meet our friends for a takeaway and wine at one of our houses. We travel a lot at the minute as we’ve a lot of free time but our favourite holidays are sun ones for a week not leaving the resort. We also have child free friends but end up spending most of our time with our friends with kids as our preference is lunch or coffee at different houses rather than brunch or drinks in the city. We both hate shopping and prefer to spend the weekends at home in the garden or watching tv. We both also aren’t very career oriented even though we have good jobs. I’d give mine up if we had kids and I’d say DH would like to give his up too actually!! So for us we would sacrifice very little having kids aside from sleep deprivation and Constant worry!! We also would have a lot of help with childcare so my dream is a monthly date night once we hopefully have kids. If we can’t have children we will be fine as we love each other deeply and we have a lovely quiet life. But What I’m trying to say is that children would complement our lives whereas if you love exotic travel, a hobby that isn’t child friendly or clubbing and meals out and cinema your lifestyle will be curtailed a lot and this may mean you want to make a different decision. So that’s what you should be weighing up really. (Baring in mind I was always going out and to concerts and to travel in my twenties - only got deathly boring about 3 years ago when we bought our house!!!)

I’m loving life with no children (mid 40s). Love the freedom, peacefulness and disposable income. Love being aunty to some smashing kids but not having any real responsibility for them.

Re the question of loneliness in old age...doesn’t worry me at all. I have seen the joy my mum gets (late 70s) from her peers/friends. They have a hoot. Yes I see her every so often and we have a nice time, but it’s her friends who keep her company in her old age not her children.

As long as you are interesting/funny/kind there will always be people to spend time with. Eventually I’ll move into some sort of residential home and will have people my own age to hang out with until we all lose our marbles. I will also have books, dogs and tv to keep me company as I age. So no, not worried about loneliness at all!

Thanks to those who understood my post. If Someone chooses not to have children, that’s absolutely fair enough but I don’t understand the need for some people to portray that kids are just a massive inconvenience, noisy, get in the way etc etc and actually, I’ve never really heard a parent moan that they have it SO bad. I think if you are seeing it that way, as someone above mentioned, perhaps you’re not all that happy that you don’t have children.

I read your first post and thought it made sense. You were talking about the happiness you’ve experienced through having kids. I don’t get this update though.

Are you saying that people aren’t allowed to express that they feel that they themselves would find having children to be hard work, inconvenient, etc?

For what it’s worth, I’ve read many posts on MN from parents saying they wish they hadn’t had children. I’ve also experienced desperate parents coming into my classroom, on more than one occasion, after school hours, crying and saying they wished their child could be taken away.

I think it’s important that people are not just hearing the good, but also the bad before they decide if procreation is for them.

@MGC31, you remind me of my aunt! Fantastic, childfree lady who tells it like it is. I really like your style.

OP, it's completely up to you. There's no "should" about it: childfree is an excellent option and one a number of my friends embraced. You could argue it's very unselfish as it frees up resources, reduces overpopulation and give you the time and energy to contribute in other ways. I have chosen to have children (and limited my family due to the above resources), but I was not ready to do that before my 30s.

I'm also a bit baffled by MGC31 knowing all these people that regret having children and are so haggard and miserable.

I don't know any. I think as people we tend to tune in to arguments that back up our own beliefs and decisions.

We've all had times when the DC can be overwhelming. Same as we've had times when work can be overwhelming. But it moves on and is a small part of the whole.

What this thread shows is that most of us make the decision whether or not to have DC knowing our own needs and personalities. And years down the line most of us are happy with our choices.

@EL8888

What a stupid comment to make “it’s never made anyone’s life more exciting”

How can you possibly speak on behalf on every single parent on the planet?

Stupid

I think the decision of whether to have kids will rest on what your personalities are like and what you like to do

You are spot on with this Ladymadonna31

I don’t understand the need for some people to portray that kids are just a massive inconvenience, noisy, get in the way etc etc

But they do

Hmm the thing is though @Goatinthegarden is that people do tend to post only when they have a problem or a worry about their children.

They don't think "i know I'll go & post on MN about how much my children have enriched my life" fo they?

Yes there are stresses & sacrifices but the other side of that is that you absolutely get back what you put in with kids.

I would not be without mine. I couldn't love anyone else more. They amaze me. The make me laugh, they make me proud, they make me cry with both frustration and love.

I've travelled the world before I had them. I'm now enjoying beautiful holidays with my family & feel so happy that DH & get to share these golden years with our little ones.

Kids change your perspective on so many things & teach you loads about yourself. They are totally worth it in my opinion.

Just saying.

@SunbeamsOverhead

Spot on.

Why are you on a parenting site childless people?. TBH this is one of the downsides of not having children. If you are in a “space” that is more for families, then you are considered a weirdo or even a pervert, which can be very isolating.

Yes there are stresses & sacrifices but the other side of that is that you absolutely get back what you put in with kids.

I don’t think this is always true. I have a friend with two adult children, one of whom is lovely but the other is just not a very nice person at all - entitled and selfish.

Meant to add my other friend knows this and often wonders why they are so different.

@SerenDippitty do you have kids?

They don't think "i know I'll go & post on MN about how much my children have enriched my life" fo they?

Have you read this thread? It's full of people saying just that!

Plus all the usual 'why are you on Mumsnet if you don't have children' crap.

These threads always go the same way.

To answer the OP, I don't regret not having children, which is just as well as I've had a hysterectomy. Unless you get an overwhelming biological urge to have them, then don't do it. The planet is already over-burdened with people, and it's a terrible world to bring a new human into.

The thing is, TO ME, kids are a noisy, messy inconvenience and what I see around me doesn’t change that.

I used to live near a really good friend with two young children, and when I went round for coffee all I could see was the mess and the constant noise and the ‘mum, mum, mum, are you watching, you’re not watching me’ and I’d go back to my tidy, calm, quiet house and think, when does that all become acceptable to you? I couldn’t stay longer than an hour or it would drive me up the wall. (The children are grown up now, delightful adults, and I’m still friends with their mother 😊)

@Splodgetastic
No one said you’re a weirdo or a pervert, just couldn’t understand why you would ever think to join a website that is made for parents

It's interesting to read the different points of view on here, especially for me as I have been in both camps. I spent 20 years arguing vociferously against having children, and citing all the reasons given on here and more. Now I have children I also see it from the other side.

The reality is on a tangible level a cost benefit analysis does not work out in favour of having children. Pre parenthood that was very much what I was looking at. However, what I failed to consider were the intangible aspects. The bond I have with mine is very special. I get a huge amount of pleasure from something as simple as holding them and smelling their head (only a parent will get this, but every parent will!). I would literally die for my kids if that is what it took to save them. I wouldn't even think twice.

I remember my mum saying she felt a bit sad for me when I was adamant in my late 30s that kids weren't for me. I was so angry. I felt insulted, patronised, and thought her old fashioned and small minded. I get it now.

We're all different, and I don't doubt that the many childless people on this thread are happy with their decision, as are those with children. Those without though, remember some day in the future you will be reliant on other people's children for your every need as they will be the ones in employment paying your pensions, and working in jobs necessary for your health, housing and well being. Time to be grateful for others putting up with the 'misery' of parenting

I find it a bit weird to come on yo a parenting website to proclaim how awful kids are 🤷🏻‍♀️