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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP expecting 12 year old to look after 8 year old

162 replies

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:16

DP usually works from home on a Friday afternoon and I work late on a Friday to make up hours I lose Monday - Thursday with having to leave work early to collect DD2 (8) from school.

This morning he said he was in a meeting from 9am till 1pm then he was going to stay on in work so DD1 (12) would have to collect DD2 from school and look after her for a while till I got home. DD1 said she had made plans to go to McDonald’s with a few of her friends after school and didn’t want to look after her little lister by herself.

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2” He then said his work comes before her social life and if she was needed to look after her sister, she would do it. He wasn’t having her objecting so she could “fuck about” with friends.

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

He is not DD’s biological father but he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own as their own father decided he didn’t want anything to do with them after I met current DP.

Was he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
doublebarrellednurse · 17/01/2020 18:18

Your daughter is not a parent.

doublebarrellednurse · 17/01/2020 18:18

I mean that as in she's not there "to look after" your younger child she's there to be a child.

He is being unreasonable

FoamingAtTheUterus · 17/01/2020 18:19

Normal when we were kids........so long as it isn't expected so often that it has a real impact on her life then I don't see an issue as a one off. Families are meant to pull together.

Selfsettling3 · 17/01/2020 18:19

He was being unreasonable to expect DD to drop everything at the last minute. How long would she have had to look after her sister for?

Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:20

That’s exactly what I said! Regardless of what she’s doing - she should never be expected to provide childcare for her sister. I’m seriously disgusted with his attitude. I’ve brought it up with him and he’s said I’m twisted and I’ve twisted what he said to suit my argument but the only argument I have is that my daughter is not responsible foe her sister - we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:21

She would have had to look after her sister for 2.5 hours.

Foaming - Not normal in our house to expect a 12 year old to provide childcare, I’m afraid.

OP posts:
june2007 · 17/01/2020 18:22

Some 12 year olds are responsible enough to look after an 8yr old for a short time. But it depends on each child, how long are they left for, how bad is the walk home ect. It,s all fine to something goes wrong isn,t it.My dD has become a young carer at 12 due to oh illness.

oblada · 17/01/2020 18:23

I would agree with DP here (without the swearing). Families are meant to help each other. A 12yrs old should be able to look after an 8yr old if need be. As long as it's only occasional/rare I don't see a problem. I would expect my daughter to reschedule her friends in this situation. Work takes precedence as it provides for everyone.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 17/01/2020 18:24

I looked after my sister sometimes when we were similar ages but I don’t ever remember parents asking me to drop plans at the last minute and certainly not without asking nicely! My parents used to pay me for babysitting too.

SleepDeprivedElf · 17/01/2020 18:25

Wow YABU it's family first, how can you call your 12 yo hanging with their mates "plans"?!

user7522689 · 17/01/2020 18:26

has raised both girls as his own

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2"

Merely being present in their lives compared to the father who walked out on them doesn't automatically equate to raising them like his own.

adaline · 17/01/2020 18:27

A 12yo should be more than capable of looking after an 8yo for a couple of hours.

But she shouldn't have to drop her plans to do so.

FeministFish · 17/01/2020 18:27

I would have pitched it to the 12 year old that if she would do it, she would be paid a fiver (or whatever), which she would probably then feel proud of and would fund her next McDonalds trip.

Had I been 12 and "made" to do it, I would have invented plans too.

Would only do this if the children generally get on well with no fighting.

Bonkerz · 17/01/2020 18:28

I think it's perfectly ok for 12 year old to look after 8 year old for a few hours a week. Dad has to work to pay bills and so do you and family is about team work.
My dd (14) gets pocket money for collecting DS (8) and looking after him.

Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:29

@ FeministFish

They actually bicker like cat and dog 🙄 DD2 also didn’t want to be left with her sister, she’s not the maturest of kids and doesn’t like being without an adult.

OP posts:
Lilyunderwater · 17/01/2020 18:30

As long as there were no additional needs I don’t think he was being unreasonable.

PityParty4one · 17/01/2020 18:30

Hes the adult and childcare that day was his responsibility.

If he calls himself a parent then he needs to act like one.
I would give him a bollocking tbh and remind him where the door is.

Speakingmymind · 17/01/2020 18:30

While not fair to stop her going out with her friends on short notice, I don't see an issue with her helping out with babysitting to help the family.

user7522689 · 17/01/2020 18:33

Work takes precedence as it provides for everyone.

If an adult chooses to be a parent then it's their responsibility to care for their children or arrange childcare from willing and capable providers, not to force it on their other children.

pjmask · 17/01/2020 18:34

Foaming - Not normal in our house to expect a 12 year old to provide childcare, I’m afraid

Well your husband missed the memo!

You're both totally overreacting. I bet it could have been avoided if you hadn't both been so determined to get your own way. I would have said to the 12-year old "how about you watch your sister for us today and we pay for your McDonald's tomorrow instead"

Sounds like the issue with you isn't that he expected her to cancel her plans (not on in such a dictatorship way) but that you don't think elder dd should EVER have to watch her sister. And he doesn't agree.

Wildorchidz · 17/01/2020 18:35

How long has he been living with you and your daughters?

Isadora2007 · 17/01/2020 18:35

I think it’s the short notice rather than the child care issue. Families should learn to pull together and help each other to the level of their capabilities and a 12 year old is capable of minding an 8 year old for a few hours as an 8 year old can be expected to behave reasonably well. I think I’d have attempted a compromise- 12 year old watches her sister for a short while. I’d finish earlier to take over and she could go to mcds a bit later than expected.

FabbyChix · 17/01/2020 18:35

You don’t get to demand she changes her plans to babysit. You ask if she can and if she is busy you accept it. It’s called respect just cos she is 12 don’t mean she gets to be treated like shit

adaline · 17/01/2020 18:35

If an adult chooses to be a parent then it's their responsibility to care for their children or arrange childcare from willing and capable providers, not to force it on their other children.

He is arranging childcare. It's perfectly normal for older siblings to baby-sit younger ones occasionally!

Evidencebased · 17/01/2020 18:36

Thing is, when people leave 2 kids on their own, they tend to assume that the older one is looking after the younger one. They ask themselves if the older DC could cope with the younger one. Most of the time, this is true.
But, what if it's the older one who slips on the stairs, falls and is semi conscious?
Would the younger one cope with that?

Also, say they coped brilliantly, summoned a neighbour/ called an ambulance, whatever is needed : are you aware that this would generate a Children's Services referral, which could lead to the absent parent receiving a police caution , for neglect?

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