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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP expecting 12 year old to look after 8 year old

162 replies

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:16

DP usually works from home on a Friday afternoon and I work late on a Friday to make up hours I lose Monday - Thursday with having to leave work early to collect DD2 (8) from school.

This morning he said he was in a meeting from 9am till 1pm then he was going to stay on in work so DD1 (12) would have to collect DD2 from school and look after her for a while till I got home. DD1 said she had made plans to go to McDonald’s with a few of her friends after school and didn’t want to look after her little lister by herself.

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2” He then said his work comes before her social life and if she was needed to look after her sister, she would do it. He wasn’t having her objecting so she could “fuck about” with friends.

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

He is not DD’s biological father but he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own as their own father decided he didn’t want anything to do with them after I met current DP.

Was he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 17/01/2020 23:24

I think your 12 year old was quite selfish , she should have looked after her sister.

Durgasarrow · 17/01/2020 23:28

I used to baby-sit my siblings every day during the summer for at least a few hours and watch/help them during the schoolyear when I was 12 and older. It doesn't seem that bad to me.

Durgasarrow · 17/01/2020 23:31

I don't see how going to McDonald's is a human right. I would have been expected to come home after school to do homework on a weekday. Plans to go to restaurants etc. on a weekday after school would have to be cleared with parents.

Original poster

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 23:34

Durgas - it’s not a weekday though. It’s Friday. No school again until Monday so she’ll do her homework on Sunday.

OP posts:

UserUser321 · 17/01/2020 23:37

UserUser321 · 17/01/2020 23:42

Jesus wept @ some of the replies on here

A 12 year old SHOULD be MADE look after an 8 year old and if they don’t they’re selfish....unreasonable...etc?

Eh, what the actual fuck!!!

12 year olds are children. They should NOT be looking after 8 year olds!!

Jesus fucking Christ, I hope all you people who expect your young children to look after their siblings are never reported to SS. Saying a 12 yo SHOULD look after young children is insane!

Nomorelaundry · 17/01/2020 23:45

Once. She's being asked once. Because of a schedule task. She's not being chained to the oven. JFC.

Wildorchidz · 17/01/2020 23:47

How does he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own equate with

Wildorchidz · 17/01/2020 23:51

Sorry - posted too soon

How does he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own equate with i pay for everything for the girls?

SD1978 · 17/01/2020 23:53

I don't find the premise unreasonable at all- as a once odd, due to a meeting, he has asked if the 12 year old would help out for 2 hours. She can see her friends anytime. It's a random trip to MacDonald- not a special event. The other child at 8 should need supervised as opposed to looked after. To me this would be a normal family situation of helping out in a situation which isn't the norm. I can understand why your husband didn't see an issue, and I still don't- I really think taking half a day off work sounds a tad martyrish and unnecessary on your behalf- but his tone and wording is where he loses all credibility by the sounds of things. The way he's spoken to you isn't acceptable, and I would be very unimpressed

WhoWants2Know · 17/01/2020 23:56

For a lot of the siblings I know, it could be a dangerous setup.

Yes, it would be lovely if everyone mucked in together and helped out, but that isn't how all siblings operate.

If they don't get on or the younger one isn't likely to listen to the older sibling, then it's not fair to put them in that situation.

OlaEliza · 18/01/2020 00:48

Jesus wept @ some of the replies on here

A 12 year old SHOULD be MADE look after an 8 year old and if they don’t they’re selfish....unreasonable...etc?

Eh, what the actual fuck!!!

12 year olds are children. They should NOT be looking after 8 year olds!!

Jesus fucking Christ, I hope all you people who expect your young children to look after their siblings are never reported to SS. Saying a 12 yo SHOULD look after young children is insane!

12 is a perfectly acceptable age to start babysitting.

Many, many people grew up earning a bit by babysitting neighbours kids etc.

But then, that was back in the day when kids were raised to independent and responsible, ready to go out into the world at 16/18 - and actually had the nous to do so.

OlaEliza · 18/01/2020 00:49

*to be

VashtaNerada · 18/01/2020 02:53

He WBU! I have children of similar ages and although I would ask the eldest to look after the youngest if I got really stuck, it would be pre-planned with lots of guidance and support. It would have to be one hell of an emergency for me to ask her without notice to cancel her plans like that. Also, as a teacher we simply wouldn’t release an 8yo to a 12yo like that. You have to be fourteen to collect a sibling at our school and the school needs to know about it in advance.

isabellerossignol · 18/01/2020 03:34

I'm on the fence with regards to the whole situation as there are valid points on both sides of the argument.

But I'm amazed at all these schools that won't let 8 year olds out unless there is an adult there to meet them. I have an 8 year old and don't even see a staff member at pick up time. The only time I see a member of staff is twice a year at parent teacher interviews, or if I make an appointment to speak to the teacher about something. I don't know any schools where I live that interfere so much in parents rights to make decisions about their own children. Schools in England (I'm just assuming it's England since that's where most posters seem to be) seem to have a lot of rules that people accept without question. I just can't imagine schools where I live behaving like that, and I can't imagine parents accepting it. Having said that, it's also irrelevant because the secondary schools finish far later than the primaries, so this particular issue mostly couldn't arise anyway)

isabellerossignol · 18/01/2020 03:38

I went off topic. On balance I think YANBU. If it had been an emergency, I'd have expected the 12 year old to cancel the trip to McDonald's but it doesn't sound like it was an emergency. It also sounds like he and you are on different pages when it comes to him being 'dad'. Which is a far bigger issue than one school pickup.

Butterymuffin · 18/01/2020 04:22

Well, he sees his whims and last minute decisions as more important than anything the rest of you do or want.

blackcat86 · 18/01/2020 04:26

Just a word of warning here that my parents regularly demanded once I reached secondary school that I provide childcare for them and other family. I didnt mind sometimes on a free evening but then it became the expectation and when I then had a bf of wanted to go out with friends over the summer everyone was angry with me for wanting any freedom because I was providing this service now as an expectation. My dad in particular would shout at me and tell me that I had to do it and not be 'lazy around' or 'hanging around with my silly friends'. The messages I was getting were - my wants and needs are not important, I am not an autonomous person but simply there to 'serve', I cannot use my time as I please or to nurture/choose my own hobbies and friendships, I cannot take risks or fail because I must be responsible at all times. I say this because the incident is being billed as a one off but I seriously doubt it would have been. Had DD1 taken on childcare I would bet my car that this would have quickly become the status quo so that your DP doesn't have to lower himself to childcare from his big important job.

alexdgr8 · 18/01/2020 04:42

why couldn't the 12 take her sister with her to mcdonalds.
think children are babyfied too much, for too long nowadays.
of course they should all pull together to help the domestic economy, commensurate with their age/ ability.
they should do as they are told, unless it is abusive.
you stay with your big sister. you take your little sister with you to mcdonalds until parent can come/ you come home.

feelingverylazytoday · 18/01/2020 06:16

alex that's what I was going to say. My eldest son used to take his brother out at similar ages, to karate, the pictures, etc (I paid), this used to be completely normal. I still see older kids in secondary school uniform picking up younger kids from the juniors as well.

custardbear · 18/01/2020 06:23

I have an 11&7 year old and I would not do this, I'd absolutely pick them both up (mine go to after school club tbh)

NearlyGranny · 18/01/2020 06:42

He was bu because he didn't ask or consult ahead of time, he demanded at the last moment and disparaged DD's existing plans.

Had he planned ahead and asked her nicely with a little chat about how grown up she's getting, all might have been well.

DD is family, not staff!

TW2013 · 18/01/2020 07:15

He was unreasonable to be so angry with your dd, however he does not have an obligation to collect dd2 either so when it was apparent that he was not available then you needed to make other plans. Maybe this was a more important meeting than usual and maybe there could be fall out he wanted to be able to sort out. Maybe his manager isn't happy that his Friday afternoon work is disrupted by childcare. It is your responsibility to sort this out not his.

I personally think 12 is a little young to take responsibility for an 8 year old to cross roads which you admit yourself have had fatalities in the last year. At home while you pop to the shops maybe but it would be a huge responsibility if anything went wrong.

I would though ask him if he could give you more warning in future.

Soontobe60 · 18/01/2020 07:38

Your DD1 should have picked up DD 2 on this occasion. If she's old enough to go to McDonald's by herself, she's old enough to do this.
Your dp should have brought this up earlier rather than at breakfast in front of the DDs.
You should have just said you were not comfortable with the pick up so would leave work earlier to do it your self.
You've undermined your DP, DD1 now thinks she's in control.
All in all, no one comes out of this well.

BTW, I do think DD1 is old enough to collect DD2 from school now. I'd be looking at this being a regular thing maybe once a week, with you coming home maybe half an hour after they get in. That builds up responsibility and resilience for both the girls.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 18/01/2020 07:45

Depends on the 12 year old , some are mature some are not .
I think there is more at play here anyway , your husband was quite sweary and angry..and it's clear you both have totally different ideas about parenting.

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