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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP expecting 12 year old to look after 8 year old

162 replies

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:16

DP usually works from home on a Friday afternoon and I work late on a Friday to make up hours I lose Monday - Thursday with having to leave work early to collect DD2 (8) from school.

This morning he said he was in a meeting from 9am till 1pm then he was going to stay on in work so DD1 (12) would have to collect DD2 from school and look after her for a while till I got home. DD1 said she had made plans to go to McDonald’s with a few of her friends after school and didn’t want to look after her little lister by herself.

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2” He then said his work comes before her social life and if she was needed to look after her sister, she would do it. He wasn’t having her objecting so she could “fuck about” with friends.

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

He is not DD’s biological father but he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own as their own father decided he didn’t want anything to do with them after I met current DP.

Was he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 19:02

He’s been living with us for 4 years

OP posts:
crazycatgal · 17/01/2020 19:04

My school doesn't let under 16s collect children, so the school might not even allow it.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 17/01/2020 19:04

Is this the first time he’s done something like this?

harrypotterfan1604 · 17/01/2020 19:09

It’s not unreasonable to ask a 12yo to take care of a younger sibling occasionally as long as 12yo is capable. However I emphasise the word ask here. My sister was born when I was 12, my mum had a year off work but then my step dad left and she had to work once I got home from school leaving me taking care of my sister. This meant giving us both tea (already cooked just had to warm it) giving her a bath and hitting her to bed every single night Monday to Friday from being 13 til I left home at 18. I hated it! I couldn’t make plans because I was suffering toy responsible for a small child every evening. Looking back my mum was incredibly depressed and worked so hard to provide a roof over our heads she had no body else and without me she’d have struggled even more than she did.
As a teenager though I hugely resented her for it. As an adult I understand but wouldn’t ever put my own children through this. Its the reason I left home so young

Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 19:10

Btw - there was no requirement for him to be in work this afternoon. He has an agile contract and can work from home unless he has to go into the office for a meeting. There were no meetings this afternoon.

OP posts:
eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 19:11

Guess he's made it clear how he sees the pecking order then. Really hope you're not planning more kids with this guy or are pregnant. It'll be one rule for 'your' kids and one for 'his'. Poor kids.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 17/01/2020 19:12

12 is a bit young.

But leaving that aside, in my family, if my parents asked my older sibling to watch us on an rare one off, thet would never have dreamed of saying "No". None of us really ever would have refused to do as our parents asked!

For context, my older sister from age 14 collected me (8) and 10 yr old sibling from junior school and watched us every day until our mother got home around 5pm.

At the school in my village, lots of the young teenagers get off the school bus and collect their siblings from the primary school. This is not an unusual demand of a secondary age child.

mrsmuddlepies · 17/01/2020 19:13

Just imagine if a step mother was expected to provide childcare in this way. Posters would be up in arms reminding the stepmother that their father should be parenting.
Huge double standards

Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 19:16

@ harrypotterfan1604

I was in a very similar situation to yours when I was younger, only my dad was in prison and I had to look after 2 younger siblings while my mum worked. I also hated it. Probably why I’m so against DD2 looking after her sister tbh. She’s a great kid and I know if I had asked her to (nicely and not demanded) as there was no other opinions, she would have did it. But I just don’t think she should have to, especially when she had plans with her friends already. She’s a child and should be allowed to enjoy her childhood.

OP posts:
eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 19:17

Just imagine if a step mother was expected to provide childcare in this way. Posters would be up in arms reminding the stepmother that their father should be parenting.

More often than not some fool takes up with a man who CBA'd with his existing kids, does loads for his kids, gets pregnant to him and then wonders why he CBA'd with the kids he has with her, either. Those threads are legion, and nearly always 'DP'.

Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 19:18

@ mrsmuddlepies what on earth are you on about 😂 I don’t think that would be the case at all if the step parent had been living with the family for 4 years, regardless of their sex!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 19:19

He doesn’t have any other kids.

OP posts:
eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 19:20

He obviously sees it all differently, Peachy. Now you know! Just hope you don't shackle yourself to him permanently.

laudete · 17/01/2020 19:21

I think the 12-year-old is too young (unless you were a single parent and had absolutely no alternative to enable you to work - I understand that life isn't perfect). I'd be more comfortable with her babysitting the younger sibling if she was at least 14 years old.

YummyChipCurryDip · 17/01/2020 19:21

Seems reasonable as a one off request. Most 12 year olds I know would be fine with it. Doing your bit to support the family in general is good practise.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 17/01/2020 19:25

mrsmuddlepies

^Just imagine if a step mother was expected to provide childcare in this way. Posters would be up in arms reminding the stepmother that their father should be parenting.
Huge double standards^

Not really. A stepmother can go off and earn their own money and buy their own stuff. A 12 year old needs expects mum or dad to shell out and buy them those expensive new trainers, pay that phone bill etc. It's an important lesson to learn that if you want to share in the rewards of your parents labours, maybe you should be a helpful member of the team.

20CMB20 · 17/01/2020 19:25

I'm all in favour of helping people out (friends, too - there's nothing particularly pedestal-like about family). But I think your husband is decidedly wrong here. There was no emergency involved. He's her parent in all the ways that matter, and he needs to act like it in this respect too.

eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 19:25

I have is that my daughter is not responsible foe her sister - we are.

Nope, he think you and she are. They're 'yours'. You're deluding yourself that this is some delightful blended family.

Rastamousehat · 17/01/2020 19:29

My DC school would not permit a 12 year old to collect an 8 year old. However year 5 (9 -10) can walk home alone if parents permission is given. I gave permission for my year 5 to walk home but occasionally ask teen DC to collect.

Somebodystired · 17/01/2020 19:29

I was all ready to say YANBU until I saw they arent his children.

It is not his responsibility to look after them, it is yours. He helps you out on a Friday afternoon, but if he isn't available for any reason, it's your responsibility to find an alternative.

I'm saying this as a parent and a step parent who works flexibly to accommodate school runs for my DSS.and have done for years. I've turned down promotions that would have taken this flexibility away. But if for any reason I told my DH I was going into the office and couldn't do the school run that day, he would sort it.

JingleCatJingle · 17/01/2020 19:29

When I was growing up (not long ago) 12 year olds were allowed to babysit toddlers, babies etc for money.
YABU, families help each other.

waspfig · 17/01/2020 19:30

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

Why was it you that had to take leave on a day when he covers childcare?

Why did he make you use up precious leave just so that he could work from the office instead of at home?!

Why did he only give you a few hours notice of this whole situation?

Why did he shout and swear at your DD instead of asking respectfully as a grown adult should?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 17/01/2020 19:31

It’s no different than me deciding to work later this afternoon and having a hissy fit because my mum would collect DS from school as she had plans to have lunch out with her friend margaret. My mum helps me out a lot with him but if she has plans, then she isn’t available for childcare. It’s nice that family help each other out when they can but my child isn’t my mothers child, just like DD2 isn’t DD1s child and she already had plans. Your DD1 has no more obligation to care for her sister than my mum has to care for my son. Especially at short notice, when she already has plans and the person asking isn’t actually asking- but telling her to do it.

Graciebutterfly · 17/01/2020 19:32

4 years in that long to class them as his own.
And you lost half a days pay so your 12 yr old could meet her friends.

I can not believe that you two are having such an argument with all that swearing over just 2 1/2 hours.

It seems there is a bigger issue.
Do you think that maybe he doesn't want to watch your dc? Or that he's stressed about something.

Outside it looks as if you choose your dd wants over your dp and got mad at him for making a parenting decisions.
Does he have an equal part in making decisions or not?

Mandarinfish · 17/01/2020 19:34

I think YANBU given the ages involved. In a year or two it would be fine. Having said that, my brother and I were left alone together when we were much younger - but times have changed since then.