DP expecting 12 year old to look after 8 year old

[Peachymcgeachy]

DP usually works from home on a Friday afternoon and I work late on a Friday to make up hours I lose Monday - Thursday with having to leave work early to collect DD2 (8) from school.

This morning he said he was in a meeting from 9am till 1pm then he was going to stay on in work so DD1 (12) would have to collect DD2 from school and look after her for a while till I got home. DD1 said she had made plans to go to McDonald’s with a few of her friends after school and didn’t want to look after her little lister by herself.

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2” He then said his work comes before her social life and if she was needed to look after her sister, she would do it. He wasn’t having her objecting so she could “fuck about” with friends.

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

He is not DD’s biological father but he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own as their own father decided he didn’t want anything to do with them after I met current DP.

Was he being unreasonable?

Has you dp and dd had a falling out recently? On reflection this seems like a bit of a power play.

Couldn't the younger one have gone to McDonald's with the 12 year old? Growing up if I had plans and needed to look after siblings either I would have to cancel my plans or take them with me. Quite normal really. This wasn't too long ago either. (15 -20 years ago). Those who said you can't tell her to do it if she has plans is a load of crap. Things happen and that means plans need to change. Family before a trip to macdonalds. He could of handled it better but you just lost half a day's work and wage so she could go to macdonalds. This is why we have families now where the kids know no responsibility at all as they aren't expected to pitch in!

12 is one of those ages where children vary massively in how mature they are. So e would be appropriate to babysit and do it amazingly maybe because they were very sensible and mature for their age but others still seem quite young. I think, assuming you feel she is mature enough, that she was asked if she's like to do this and for a bit of babysitting money then why not. But demanding she does it and doesn't meet her friends when DP could have worked at home seems unnecessary.....

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask this of the 12 year old but he went about it in completely the wrong way. How about asking her nicely to do you a favour and offer her a few quid?

My sister was born when I was 9 - I often looked after her.

The younger child is not the older one’s responsibility.

I have a 12yo and an 8yo and whilst I do leave them together for an hour or so I would never ask the 12yo to pick the 8yo up from school. In fact I don’t think the school would allow it.

If social services got involved with a 12yo walking an 8yo home they'd need to haul in half our town Mine were walking home together occasionally at 8 and 10 and they are not even slightly unusual. Not all English schools insist on ludicrous pickup rules, ours allow kids home alone from yr4 with permission.

YABU. If it was every week I would have a problem but one time for 2 1/2 hours is not a huge issue and will not ruin her social life. Missing out on McDonald's once will not kill her and it is not unreasonable to expect her to help out every now and again.

You say you pay for everything for your kids? Really and truly he's not their dad and is not required to pay for them. If he wants to stay at work for any reason he should be able to obviously if he has given enough notice for YOU to sort childcare for YOUR children.

From your replies I don't think this is your only problem and it seems you have an issue with your DP in general.

But I'm amazed at all these schools that won't let 8 year olds out unless there is an adult there to meet them. I have an 8 year old and don't even see a staff member at pick up time. The only time I see a member of staff is twice a year at parent teacher interviews, or if I make an appointment to speak to the teacher about something. I don't know any schools where I live that interfere so much in parents rights to make decisions about their own children. Schools in England (I'm just assuming it's England since that's where most posters seem to be) seem to have a lot of rules that people accept without question. I just can't imagine schools where I live behaving like that, and I can't imagine parents accepting it.
Our school has an age 16 rule for collecting, and children aren’t allowed to walk home by themselves until year 5/6 - with parental permission. There are always teachers in the playground right up to Y6. I am not saying I agree, just that’s the way it is. As for ‘not accepting it’ what do you expect parents to do?
I think a lot of the rules have come about because schools are having to always protect themselves from parental complaints. I do actually agree that we over-protect children nowadays, but I don’t think it is the schools’ fault. They have to be so careful. I remember at my DCs school there was a kid who was always running away, climbing over fences etc. The parents always blamed the school for not looking after him properly. I think this kind of thing has led to much stricter rules.

Rule of thumb. Would you employ a babysitter who was a 12 year old?

Of course you wouldn't.

He is either part of the family or single. Part of the family means putting family first, yes there has to be some give and take but no one should just opt out of family life because they don't feel like it one day.

My 13 yr old looks after my 9 yr old for 1 hour after school most days but if he has plans such as an after school club or meeting friends, I make other arrangements. It's not his job.

A 12yo looking after their own 8yo sibling is not the same as a random 12yo babysitter, surely you can see that! You are also going to be able to assess how responsible your own 12yo is rather more accurately than anybody else's.