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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP expecting 12 year old to look after 8 year old

162 replies

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:16

DP usually works from home on a Friday afternoon and I work late on a Friday to make up hours I lose Monday - Thursday with having to leave work early to collect DD2 (8) from school.

This morning he said he was in a meeting from 9am till 1pm then he was going to stay on in work so DD1 (12) would have to collect DD2 from school and look after her for a while till I got home. DD1 said she had made plans to go to McDonald’s with a few of her friends after school and didn’t want to look after her little lister by herself.

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2” He then said his work comes before her social life and if she was needed to look after her sister, she would do it. He wasn’t having her objecting so she could “fuck about” with friends.

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

He is not DD’s biological father but he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own as their own father decided he didn’t want anything to do with them after I met current DP.

Was he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Chochito · 17/01/2020 21:17

Asking her to look after her sister is reasonable, for 2.5 hours. However, asking her at the last minute when she had already made plans is not reasonable, unless it was an emergency. He was also rude to describe her plans that way, I mean what else do 12 year olds do when they socialise?!

Leaannb · 17/01/2020 21:24

@Wirebrushanddettolman.....Considering he isn't the father of either girl than OP was demanding childcare from her partner. She needs to sort out her childcare

HairyDogsOfThigh · 17/01/2020 21:34

I'm with you, OP, i have no expectation that my eldest dd should be responsible for her younger sister. I am the parent and the buck stops with me. On occasion i have asked my eldest dd if she will watch her younger sister, but it is always her choice whether she accepts or not.
In your situation, if the younger dd were already home and it was just a question of watching her for a couple of hours, then i might ask the older dd to watch her and explain that i could take time off work if she wasn't happy to do so, (i would explain about limited holiday allowance etc, so she knew where i was coming from), but no way would i ask a 12 year old to collect her younger dd from school and walk her home through a busy city.
I think your dh has not behaved well here. He either agrees to be responsible for them on a Friday, or he tells you he doesn't want to. It's not ok to let you down at the last moment.

lisag1969 · 17/01/2020 21:36

Your daughter is not your other child's parent she is not responsible for her, wether she has plans or not
If she hurt herself while in her care she would feel it was her thought and she should not be having to feel like that.
I have never left mine with each other for this reason.
I had them I need to look after them.
I can also see if he had a meeting he should not have to leave it early.
Do you not have anyone you could rely on for emergencies. X

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 17/01/2020 21:39

Considering he isn't the father of either girl than OP was demanding childcare from her partner. She needs to sort out her childcare

No they had made an agreement between them that he would look after her daughter on Fridays. If he didn’t want to do that anymore then he needs to tell OP ahead of Friday so she can arrange other childcare. It isn’t fair to spring that on her on Friday morning.

lisag1969 · 17/01/2020 21:40

Also meant to say you d1 would not be allowed to collect d2 anyway as she is not old enough.
YANBU

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 17/01/2020 21:43

Yanbu, for one, I don’t think it’s right DD should have to cancel her plans that were already planned because your partner changes his, totally different if it was a emergency today was not, for two, for your partner to demand she watches her DS it isn’t DD’s responsibility to be made to provide care for her DS because it suits him not her, just because she’s a child she doesn’t get asked her opinion or feelings on the matter don't count if a adult says no to looking after your child you respect that and find a alternative same should be in place for children, Thirdly sounds very last minute for the first ever time she will be responsible for her DS without a adult present so no proper time for a detailed talk and run through, fourth, the school very well may not of allowed anyone under 16 to collect DD the local school in my area wouldn’t allow it, and lastly I’d have to say it totally depends on the children themselves not the age, some 12 year olds are very mature for their age some are the complete opposite depends on the children’s relationship too, I have a 16 year old niece who I love dearly but would never ask her to watch my DD’s as she isn’t responsible enough and my whole family agree she lives in a bubble and never notices anything going on around her in the house and lacking a lot on looking after children and seems to only find younger children a irritation, but then on the other hand my cousin has a 16 year old who is very mature and well aware of the care a child needs and all that comes with it, she enjoys taking my DD’s to the local park for a hour she hasn't watched them besides this but we’ve already had the conversation that if one day i found my usual childcare wasn’t available would she be willing to watch DD’s for me, of corse if she had plans I’d never expect her to drop them if she didn’t want too to watch my DD’s

lisag1969 · 17/01/2020 21:43

Sorry got confused at time of meeting x

RainbowAlicorn · 17/01/2020 21:49

If she was 15/16 I would understand his arguement, but at 12, I'm sorry that is too young to be picking up from school and looking after her.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2020 22:02

If I was you OP, I would make plans to collect your DC and not have him doing the Fridays unless is a real emergency situation.

It's not your older child's responsibility to look after her sibling.

That responsibility lies with the parent/s.

Techway · 17/01/2020 22:09

I think your dp was unreasonable to spring it on you and dd. He clearly knows you wouldn't be comfortable and rather than discuss it he demanded it.

I think there is resentment and your dp acted petulantly. Has there been any other issues recently?

hookiwooki · 17/01/2020 22:12

Regardless of the agreement between the two of you and that he "brings them up as his own", he has only been living with your eldest for 1/3 if her life. He is not her dad. I'm not sure how long you were together before he moved in, but you can bet that she remembers life before him. If he carries this attitude with her then over the next few years they are seriously going to clash over alsorts of things, and it won't be pleasant.

It is not unreasonable to ask a 12 year old to look out for an 8 year old for an hour or two, providing - they get on well, both have enough maturity to cope in case of fire/accident/other emergency if something happens to the other one, there is a responsible adult close by that they can call on (a prior agreement with a neighbour for example).

I also think that unless it is some sort of unexpected emergency then it has to have been discussed with the 12 year old in advance. Your DP can't demand the kind of respect he's asking for without showing your DDs that he respects them. He should have asked DD yesterday or the day before under these circs, not told her this morning.

Finally, I think you need to find out if the school would release your DD(8) to DD(12). If ever something happens whereby you both consider it necessary, it would be fucking awful if the school then said no. And it would have been really upsetting for DD(12) to have been told she would cancel her plans to pick DD(8) up today, only for the school to tell her she couldn't do the pick up anyway.

richele4 · 17/01/2020 22:13

Your husband wasn't being unreasonable, DD1 was. She should be able to help out the family. He's right, work comes before her social life. DD1 was being selfish

sijjy · 17/01/2020 22:13

My sons school wouldn't allow a 12 year old to pick him up. He is 7.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/01/2020 22:19

Did you k ow your eldest DD had plans for after school. From your OP it sounds as though you only found out when your DP said she was looking after her sister? When did primary schools start deciding how old a child had to be before they could walk home without an adult?

aSofaNearYou · 17/01/2020 22:22

It is not his responsibility to look after them at all, it is yours. You had to take time off work to do it, which is entirely appropriate. Why is everyone acting like he is their father? They're not his kids.

oobedobe · 17/01/2020 22:29

It usually depends on the child and the relationship they have with their sibling.

My DD1 is 11 and more than capable of looking after DD2 who is 7 for a short time at home (and happy to do it, she likes feeling responsible). She is sensible, knows the rules (don't answer the door, don't cook anything), and she has a phone to contact us. DD2 is also sensible and listens well to her sister.

She took a home alone safety course last year and her younger sister took a general personal safety course (aimed at younger kids) at the same time. When she turns 12 she will take the babysitting course offered by our community centre.

They also walk to the school bus on their own and walk home on their own too.

Occasionally I can be 15-20 mins late back from work, and it gives me peace of mind to know they can walk home, let themselves in (eldest got a key when she was 11).

DD1 has been left home alone (while I take DD2 to Brownies etc) for short periods since she was around 9 and a half.

So yes I think it is fair to ask a 12 yo to mind their sibling for a couple of hours now and then to help out the parents.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 17/01/2020 22:31

Our school wouldn't even let a 12yo collect a 8yo sibling from school tbh, and nor should they.

He's being unreasonable. 12 is just a little too young imo.

Are you fucking kidding? He lives there and "has raised both girls as his own". Also, regardless of this, he's the adult who was in charge and made the wrong call.

OlaEliza · 17/01/2020 22:35

And that way snowflakes fall.

I'm with the DP.

Where does the money come from to pay for her mcds? Does she do jobs for it?

Original poster

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 22:54

@OlaEliza her pocket money comes out of my pocket. Not his. The only financial contribution he makes each month is paying half of the household bills and £30 a week towards shopping. The shopping bill is around £80 a week and trust me, he gets his 30 quids worth. I pay for everything when it comes to the girls.

OP posts:

Nomorelaundry · 17/01/2020 23:04

If he pays half the household bills then he is paying for your children.

Original poster

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 23:10

Nomorelaundry - do know how much half of the household bills are each month? £350. That’s wayyyy less than he would be paying if he had his own place. I also lose out on CTC because we live together. So really, I’m worse off. The only person benefiting financially is him. But that’s nothing to do with my OP, so we will leave that here.

OP posts:

OlaEliza · 17/01/2020 23:13

So she doesn't do any jobs for that money then.

Unusualsuspicion · 17/01/2020 23:18

The problem is that these threads bring out extremes. I don't know a single parent who won't leave their 11yo home alone. Not one, and I know a lot of them, having an child of that age myself. It's at the extreme end of parenting choices not to. Likewise the idea of a 12yo being capable of walking an 8yo home from school - I truly don't know anyone who'd raise their eyes at that. Our primary playground is full of yr7-9s picking up their siblings! It's really sweet to see actually. Giving that kind of responsibility at that sort of age makes for mature, dependable kids - it's good parenting.

Original poster

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 23:22

Ola - yes she does do jobs. Why is that relevant though?

OP posts:

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