DP expecting 12 year old to look after 8 year old

[Peachymcgeachy]

DP usually works from home on a Friday afternoon and I work late on a Friday to make up hours I lose Monday - Thursday with having to leave work early to collect DD2 (8) from school.

This morning he said he was in a meeting from 9am till 1pm then he was going to stay on in work so DD1 (12) would have to collect DD2 from school and look after her for a while till I got home. DD1 said she had made plans to go to McDonald’s with a few of her friends after school and didn’t want to look after her little lister by herself.

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2” He then said his work comes before her social life and if she was needed to look after her sister, she would do it. He wasn’t having her objecting so she could “fuck about” with friends.

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

He is not DD’s biological father but he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own as their own father decided he didn’t want anything to do with them after I met current DP.

Was he being unreasonable?

Ps OP I think other posters are right that he doesn't perhaps regard himself as as their father the way you assume he does.

It is not his responsibility to look after them, it is yours. He helps you out on a Friday afternoon, but if he isn't available for any reason, it's your responsibility to find an alternative.

That’s true- except their arrangement is that he does it on Fridays. If he wants that no longer to be his commitment then he needs to speak to OP properly about it and not on the morning he plans to stop doing it. That’s not fair.

And you lost half a days pay so your 12 yr old could meet her friends.

No she lost it because her partner decided his work was more important than OPs already arranged work.

I doubt the school would allow someone of that age to collect an 8 yr old. The school my daughter went to wouldn't.

Graciebutterfly - I didn’t lose half a days pay. I took paid (emergency) annual leave.

I didn’t get mad. I didn’t agree with him expecting DD2 to look after DD1, 1. at such short notice, and expecting her to cancel plans. And, 2. Because there was actually no requirement for him to be in the office as he works from home (unless there’s a meeting, which I said before)

Half of the time, even if there is a meeting he doesn’t go into the office and will dial in, so there was really no reason for him to expect DD1 to look after DD2.

somebodys - I did sort it. I took a half day and got her myself. I didn’t expect him to do it if he didn’t want to - and I’m saying didn’t want to as he could have, nothing was stopping him.

At 12 I was babysitting regularly. I think he is reasonsble to expect his work to come before a 12 year old going to macdonalds. Also if he raised them as a co-parent his opinion matters. If she is responsible enough to walk to a macdonalds and hang out she is capable of watching her sister for a few hours.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this, I think it's far from ideal to call a child and tell them they have to pick up a sibling from school for the first time at a moment's notice, without talking it through in advance.

Surely you'd want to do a walkthrough if the routine with them and make sure they know what to do, who to call in an emergency, etc?

Adults can galvanise into action at a moment's motive in a crisis, but it's a bit much to expect that from a 12 year old who's never done the school pickup before.

Our primary school wouldn't have let a 12 year old pick up either.

Thank goodness I had my DC thirty years ago! I’m gobsmacked to see that some of your primary schools insist kids are picked up by an adult - my DC walked home alone from the village primary from the age of seven, as did most of the other kids.
My two looked after themselves at home for a couple of hours until I got in from work too, from the age of nine. Fifty years ago, I walked to and from school alone from the age of 5.
There seems to be a modern trend for over protection, infantilising, and risk aversion that is not doing children any favours in terms of their resilience, decision making, and risk assessment skills. No wonder so many struggle when they reach uni - it’s probably the first time they’ve ever had to manage alone!

*notice

I hate to be that poster but I think it’s worth asking here- are you sure he was actually in work this afternoon? He seems to have been really determined to be there and got angry and sweary when his plans were at risk. Just when you say he doesn’t even always go in for meetings, and this wasn’t even a meeting so why was it so important to him that he started a nasty row with DD1 over it?

But, what if it's the older one who slips on the stairs, falls and is semi conscious? Would the younger one cope with that?

Ok, so let's make sure that a small child is never left with fewer than two adults at all times. Because what if the parent slips on the stairs and is knocked unconscious? Actually, maybe two adults aren't enough because what if the second parent faints at the sight of the first unconscious parent? Maybe every child should be chaperoned by 6 people! 🙄

I must live in a different world to most of MN. Nothing wrong with having a 12 year old watch a sibling for a couple of hours.

If she is responsible enough to walk to a macdonalds and hang out she is capable of watching her sister for a few hours.

My 10 year old goes to Mac Donald’s with his friends- would you say he is okay to babysit a younger sibling?

Babdoc - it's still normal in my south east England village. The yr 5 & 6s at the school often walk to and from school without an adult.

OP you don't seem to listen, your dp said there was a reason and he needed to or wanted to go to work.

What you mean is you don't feel the reason was enough and you don't expect him to change plans without your say so.

I don’t live in a village. I live in a big city. There are main roads to cross on the way home from school. There have been LOADS of accidents on one of them because ambulances shoot up and down this particular road. I know a girl who almost lost her life being knocked down by an ambulance on said road!! I couldn’t allow my 8 year old to walk home by herself.

Graciebutterfly - no he didn’t give any reason. He said he was staying on in work. That was it. No reason as to why.

Can you point out where I said that?

I have dds, 12 and 8, I'd never leave them together, they argue like cat and dog and my 8 yr old would never do what her sister told her to.

However, even if they did get in I still wouldn't expect my dd to look after her ds. She's not her parent

I live in a city too and it's very normal here for many yr 4-6s to make their own way to and from school, mine (then aged 8 and 10) did it often last year. I don't think there is any safety issue at all re the 12yo looking after an 8yo sibling but I wouldn't have forced her to cancel her plans. (I might have bribed her though ).

He is being unreasonable to expect her to alter her plans at the last minute just because he suddenly decided to alter his. It would be different if it was an emergency but it wasn't.

I would also be careful about asking DD1 to collect her sister and look after her as it may well build resentment. When I went to high school, my parents frequently had me collecting my sister and taking her home and looking after her (same age gap as your girls) and to be honest, I really resented it because I couldn't commit to after school clubs/make plans with friends etc.

I wouldn't leave my 11.5 year old home alone and don't think 12 is old enough to responsibly mind an 8 y.o.
Both of the primary schools my kids have attended require a responsible person to collect a child and don't allow even yr 5 and 6 to be left before the school gates open.

Some schools have stricter rules because of location. There have been a few stabbings and about 4 attempts of child abduction in the last six months near our school. So probably a bit different to a sleepy village school in the country.

You wouldn’t leave an 11.5yr old home alone? Really

Twelve is too young to be responsible for her younger sibling.

Why can't you put her in after school club for the day?

My Dh was out this eve and then a friend asked me out for a quick drink/catch up last minute - my DS 12 looked after our 9yr old for 2 hours - I 'paid' him with a domino's pizza. I think kids can help out but I probably wouldn't allow ruining social plans.

I think YABU. CmA 12 year old is perfectly capable of looking after an 8 year old and should be helping out at home when needed. It shouldn't be all the time though as they need time for their school work, socialising, downtime etc too. And ideally not last minute but sometimes it's good for them to learn that fun things need to be dropped for responsibilities on occasion and where warranted.

Airbags - your school seems a bit OTT. Our school allows yr5 onwards to walk to school and back by themselves.