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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP expecting 12 year old to look after 8 year old

162 replies

Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:16

DP usually works from home on a Friday afternoon and I work late on a Friday to make up hours I lose Monday - Thursday with having to leave work early to collect DD2 (8) from school.

This morning he said he was in a meeting from 9am till 1pm then he was going to stay on in work so DD1 (12) would have to collect DD2 from school and look after her for a while till I got home. DD1 said she had made plans to go to McDonald’s with a few of her friends after school and didn’t want to look after her little lister by herself.

DP was having none of it and came out with “why should I have to curtail my work when DD1 is available to look after DD2” He then said his work comes before her social life and if she was needed to look after her sister, she would do it. He wasn’t having her objecting so she could “fuck about” with friends.

I ended up having to take a half day so I was able to collect DD2 from school.

He is not DD’s biological father but he lives with us and has raised both girls as his own as their own father decided he didn’t want anything to do with them after I met current DP.

Was he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ithinkitcouldbeme · 17/01/2020 18:37

I don’t see why she can’t help out now and again, as long as it isn’t a regular occurrence and she is expected to not have any kind of social life. I think your partner was not being unreasonable and your DD could have helped out on this occasion

Topseyt · 17/01/2020 18:38

I think he was being unreasonable. I consider a 12 year old to still be a child, and therefore they should not be expected to parent an 8 year old. It isn't fair on them.

Some 12 year olds can be reasonably mature for their age and capable of taking charge of a younger sibling. Others less so. Younger siblings can also be very trying. Some might accept the older sibling being in charge for a little while. Others might not and might be very silly and challenging.

It wouldn't be an ideal arrangement.

adaline · 17/01/2020 18:39

Also, say they coped brilliantly, summoned a neighbour/ called an ambulance, whatever is needed : are you aware that this would generate a Children's Services referral, which could lead to the absent parent receiving a police caution , for neglect?

Why on earth would it result in a police caution?

The 12yo could have slipped and knocked themselves unconscious with their parent right there in front of them! A 12yo accidentally falling down the stairs isn't something that happens as a result of parental neglect.

oblada · 17/01/2020 18:39

Is it neglect to leave a 12yrs old in charge of an 8yrs old for a couple of hours?? Seriously?? I know things have changed but at 13-14 I used to look after much younger children for some pocket money (baby sitting for my neighbour). I am definitely hoping my first daughter will be able to help look after her sister when she is 12yrs old.

Frenchw1fe · 17/01/2020 18:40

I can see both sides of this. Work is more important than dd going out with her friends but dh knows that on Fridays he is responsible for pick up so should have sorted his day sooner.
He probably assumed at the last minute that dd1 could do child care. I find a lot of men ‘assume’ things when it’s for their own convenience.

FabbyChix · 17/01/2020 18:42

The dd had plans why is it acceptable for them to be cancelled. Children only learn respect from receiving it. How is her plans can be just ignored to suit an adult they don’t

Sally872 · 17/01/2020 18:43

If I was dh I would ask dc1 to help on this occasion, we are a family and all need to help out where we can and I won't make a habit of it.

I think DH attitude was wrong but dont disagree with the principal.

isadoradancing123 · 17/01/2020 18:43

It depends how mature she is, as a one off maybe, not on a regular basis

helpfulperson · 17/01/2020 18:47

As he isn't their Dad it depends really on what he thinks he signed up for in terms of childcare. Should he have let you know he wouldn't be available and let you make alternative arrangements?

Beautiful3 · 17/01/2020 18:48

I think as a one off, yes she could have done it. Family comes first. But not on a regular basis.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 17/01/2020 18:48

Even if it was normal to expect her to look after her sister for a couple of hours- she already had plans. She wasn’t available to provide childcare. It wasn’t an emergency. He just didn’t want to arrange proper childcare. His problem. DD is not the unreasonable one here.

Please stand up for her over this.

Also- would the school have let a 12 year old collect a child from school?

WhoFramedRoger · 17/01/2020 18:49

I think YABU. It’s a one off and at 12 & 8 they should be fine on their own for a couple of hours.
If it was a regular thing then no it’s not fair on your older DD but I don’t think your DH is being UR at all.
My DD is 9 and I’d happily leave her for shirt periods on her own, an hour or so, let alone if she was with my 12 SD.

Squidsister · 17/01/2020 18:50

At our school they only let 16 year olds collect younger siblings from school - are your school ok with a 12 yr old collecting?

Rockbird · 17/01/2020 18:51

I have dds just turned 12 and just turned 8. I wouldn't leave them alone together in a fit, they'd kill each other.

It mostly depends on whether yours would behave. But I don't think a 12yo should be called home to look after her sister.

independentfriend · 17/01/2020 18:51

Unreasonable to expect this at effectively no notice, unless an emergency, the same way it's unreasonable to be asking anybody to drop their plans at short notice for your benefit - fine if someone's been rushed to hospital, but not normally.

But not unreasonable to expect your eldest to look after her younger sister for a short period of time, if the youngest one couldn't safely be left alone. [I used to walk home by myself at about 8 some days of the week and be alone for about an hour]

Is there any reason they couldn't go together to meet with your elder daughter's friends? Your youngest would probably enjoy being included with the older ones and it maybe gives your eldest added 'status' amongst her friends - she's responsible and trusted enough to look after her sister. - Thinking of this as the equivalent of an adult picking up unexpected childcare for a friend, when the child being looked after has to fit into the existing plans to some extent.

Work does come before social stuff - mortgages/rent/other bills all need paying. It benefits your eldest that she has a home to live in and money available to pay for things.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 17/01/2020 18:53

I would expect a 12 year old to be able to look after her 8 year old sister for a couple of hours. I would expect both my kids to put aside their differences and be a bit mature for a couple of hours if needed. If she can be trusted to go out to macdonalds on her way back from school, she can look after her sister.

I don't think it does the 12 year old any favours to elevate her social life above a family's occasional and temporary need. Kids need to learn they are part of the family and sometimes have to pitch in too.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 17/01/2020 18:53

He is arranging childcare. It's perfectly normal for older siblings to baby-sit younger ones occasionally!

No he was demanding childcare. You don’t demand childcare from anyone. You ask.

Popfan · 17/01/2020 18:53

I doubt the school would have allowed a 12 year old to pick up an 8 year old anyway!

leftovercoffeecake · 17/01/2020 18:54

I think your partner was being unreasonable and his attitude was rude. Your DD had plans and it’s not her fault your partner had no childcare.

eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 18:54

DD2 also didn’t want to be left with her sister, she’s not the maturest of kids and doesn’t like being without an adult.

No, shit, she's fucking EIGHT. 12-year-olds, too, are bloody children. All this 'if she's mature enough.' She's TWELVE!

The meeting ended at 1 and it was his day, as an adult, to look after his child, especially as he knows she doesn't like to be left without an adult looking after her.

Original poster
Peachymcgeachy · 17/01/2020 18:57

I actually don’t know the schools stance on U16’s picking up primary school children as it’s always been an adult who has collected DD, so I’ve never had to check.

OP posts:
ambereeree · 17/01/2020 18:58

I think 12 is a good age to start teaching children their plans don't always come first and we help each other out.

Mintjulia · 17/01/2020 18:58

I used to look after my little sis occasionally, for a few hours. It was no big deal. I’m not sure I understand the issue.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/01/2020 18:59

I would be surprised if the school would have been happy with the 8 yo being picked up by a 12 yo.

It’s not fair on your older daughter. My two would have bickered at that age. The older one would have felt responsible and the younger one would have rebelled against any attempt to tell him what to do. a

It’s not fair on them at this age. Fine in a couple of years.

Wildorchidz · 17/01/2020 19:02

The meeting ended at 1 and it was his day, as an adult, to look after his child

She is not his child. She is his partner’s child. The op has not said how long he has been living with them.