AIBU to consider having one in grammar and one in private?

[Holidayinginmymind]

My DD has gotten into the local(ish) superselective grammar. It is all girls, and we think it is the perfect school for her. She is very bright, competitive and loves a challenge. For us, this school was the perfect choice for her (or near perfect, might have chosen a different grammar had we been closer to it). We preferred this to the local selective girls private.

My son is bright, but not as stand out as my DD. He is creative, sporty, bright and a perfectionist who would prefer not to try than fail. My concern with him is that, on the one hand, in the local superselective boys schools (if he got in), he would feel like a failure because he wouldn't be top of the class. On the other hand, he is sociable and popular, and if he were in a school where being clever wasn't cool, I think that he would happily coast along. He is naturally curious, and insecure. He is also very sporty (plays for a local football team, is a competitive swimmer). There is a local private school that I think would be perfect for him. It is selective, and has strong academic standards, but also very strong sport, art and music (I get the impression you can find your tribe, whatever your interests). We want him to try for a scholarship (which is potentially much more than the nominal 5%'s you often get nowdays). IF he got in and IF he got a good scholarship, then we think we could afford for him to go.

I had assumed, this would be fine with my DD because her school feels like it will be such a good fit for her. But she is a bit upset at the idea that her brother might get to go to this school because they have much better facilities than her school will have. We couldn't have afforded for her to go to the girls private because their scholarships are tiny. My question is, AIBU to consider private for one and not the other? If you don't think I am, do you have any thoughts/experience/advice on how to manage (and resolve?) my DD's current feeling of missing out? I don't want her to feel it is unfair. But I also want to find the best school for my DS.

not all dc are going to be top of the class. you seem to be piling on the pressure some what.

Yanbu. Your daughter is presumably in year 7 and your son younger. The
Only thing I'm not sure about is why you are over sharing with your daughter and why you have written off your son so soon. Objectively, if you didn't have your super bright daughter would you be considering the selective grammar option for your son? My dd is super bright and has been since 2 but actually my son may out achieve her in the end, - he's just taking longer to get there. If your son gets in (without overturoring) he's bright enough. Let him have his glory and don't put him in the shadow of your daughter.

My dd is at a selective private. Just because I'm paying for it doesn't make it better than the other local options and you shouldn't be giving that impression to your daughter. If your son doesn't get into your dd's equivalent grammar I would have no qualms sending him to the private. Not sure I think the same if he does get in though.

I live in West Kent and quite a few parents enter their children for private school admission as well as the 11 plus. It’s quite common here to have one at the grammar and another at an independent.

Having said that I do understand your DD’s concern that they are not being treated fairly. Could you enter your son for both tests and give him a stab at the 11plus in the interests of family harmony? If he doesn’t get in nothing has been lost as you have the private option and your DD will feel she h as been listened to.

Just to say, it isn't that I want him to be top of the class. I just think that he would feel happier in a less strongly selective environment (again, should he get in). The superselectives are incredibly competitive. I want somewhere that he will thrive, but not stop trying at the academic work. Clearly, I don't know if he would do that in the local comp, but I think it is a risk.

Thanks for your responses. For my son, we are considering a 10+ scholarship. We could wait until 11+, and let him do the grammars, but my concern is that I'm not sure he would thrive in that environment, even if he did get in. @memberofseven I totally get your point about not writing him off, but at the same time I'm trying to look at him as an individual, and think about what environment would work for him, as he is at the moment. I can also say we are no way assuming independent is best - which is why we didn't even consider it for my DD. However, what Independents do have is MUCH better facilities, and my DD can see this for herself. We have been telling her that the school she is going to is what we think is perfect for her, and why, but she is just looking at the swimming pool and the climbing wall. I hadn't realised she would care about those things.

What things does she think she'll be missing out on, and are there opportunities for those elsewhere in the local community?

His school might have a swimming pool, for instance, but that doesn't necessarily mean he gets any more choice than her about whether to swim competitively/learn to dive/just go for fun. It might just mean he gets swimming in curriculum time more frequently - which might not even be much fun if he is much better than everyone else.

If you can reassure her that you'll help her pursue her extracurricular interests, hopefully she'll see that her school + out-of-school stuff can be just as good as the shiny private school.

I would say no if you DD is sad about it. If she wasn’t bothered then I would say go for it. It could cause years of resentment! I would have been gutted if my little brother got a private school education but I didn’t!

she is just looking at the swimming pool and the climbing wall. I hadn't realised she would care about those things

Aged 10/11 and looking at secondaries, my son was most taken with the school with spinny-round chairs in the reception area. She's a child. She likes fun things.

Incredibly common here (11+ area) to have one child at grammar and one at an independent. I think you've made a mistake in talking to your DD about it at all at this stage. School choices are for parents to decide, not for all siblings to have a say on.

Put simply - you should send each of your DC, as individuals, to the school best suited for them. If that means superselective for DD and independent for DS so be it.

Hmm. I've seen a similar scenario backfire with friends of mine who are sisters. The elder went to a nearby independent school, and the younger to the local state school. The younger sister always had the feeling that she wasn't quite good enough and that her eldest sister was 'preferred' by their parents. Even in their 40s, there is a certain bitterness from the younger sister about their different schools and (as she perceives it) the differing opportunities
clear to see.

There is probably much more to it, but it did make us think again when we were thinking about schools for our two.

My view is you do the best you can for each child.

You can’t afford the girls private school, even with scholarships.

You can afford the boys school with a scholarship.

It’s totally normal to have one child state and one private because you do the best you can for each of them. You just need to explain that to your daughter.

There were no grammar schools near to where we grew up, so despite being clever there was no option for me to sit the 11 plus. Due to this I went to the local comprehensive which was horrendous with a very poor attitude to teaching. My older brother meanwhile went to Christ's Hospital complete with it's own blimmin train station! Apparently he needed more help. This caused huge resentment from me as a teen and even now I can sometimes still feel a bit angry over it. My DB left with barely any qualifications but lots of great contacts from very wealthy families which has proven very useful for him throughout his life. I'm a firm believer you do for both or don't do at all.

I think it is fair if your son doesn't get into the grammar but not if he does. Presumably if he doesn't get into the grammar he's going to a potentially poor comprehensive, so justified in my opinion.

What I don't understand is why you think he is not bright enough to thrive in the grammar but is bright enough to get a scholarship at the private school (the latter will be way harder to get than the former). Unless he's not really got any chance of getting the scholarship they can't both be true.

I think it's likely this will cause resentment in the future as it sounds like your daughter is being penalised for being brighter and more self motivated, so I would think very carefully if your son does get into the grammar.

You can afford the boys school with a scholarship

But only because they're not paying for their daughter's education.

Private school will come with better facilities/ expensive clubs / trips / rich mates with fab parties etc. etc. etc. It would be unfair on DD, yes, and create resentment against both you and her brother than could last a lifetime. That said I absolutely get where you’re coming from. It’s a hard decision.

If it were me I’d be tutoring the hell out of him to get him into a grammar and only if he doesn’t get in consider private at that stage. Also have a real think about your motivations. I know a ‘high powered’ man who sent his daughter to grammar and his son to private because he thought his son would need a good career but his daughter would probably marry rich and stop work. (The daughter has turned out super driven and career competitive and the son seems to just want to sit on the beach playing guitar and smoking dodgy roll ups.) Is it really about the schools that best suit them or is there a chance sexism has a role here? Have you really fully explored all the private scholarship options for DD? Could there be a localish comp that would be ok for your son? Private schools have problems too especially with drugs etc.

The other obvious option which you don’t seem to be considering is to move house. This could either (a) get you to an area with schools that suit both of them or (b) release enough equity to send them both to the same private school. If you downsized a bedroom could DD have a private education? Just a thought. I realise that with DD already accepted at a great grammar it’s probably unattractive.

But if you do decide to invest that ££ in DS’ education don’t expect DD to be happy about such blatant unfairness, and make a plan for how you’re going to financially even it out eg set aside money to invest for her that she can choose how to spend as an adult.

I too have seen this with a family I know quite well, 2 DS were sent to private school 1 DD to state school, the children are all in their 40's now. The daughter resents it terribly, and dislikes her parent still. She definitely feels she wasn't considered good enough by her parents.

I wouldn't do it.

My brother was sent to private school while me and my sister never had the choice. To be honest I knew it was unfair from the age of 8.

I still think about the opportunities we didn't get, we did well but not as well.

I would never send one child private and not the others, I've experienced it.

Well you could get him to do the exam for both and then you'd know.

I think your daughter would have every right to be pissed off and feel hurt. Will you be putting aside an equivalent amount of cash to make up for the delta in extra-curricular activities? How will you make sure she has a rounded life with sports and creative subjects not just the academic subjects?
How will you make up for the massive ego boost that your son would get from going to a private school where boys alll seem to be told they're the bees knees?

Sounds like it would cause resentment. I would not want to risk my kids feeling bitter towards each other.

Why can't he go to which ever state school he is academically suited to (via selection) like his sister. If that's not a grammar school then maybe he'll be fine in the other state option?

Easy to appease your daughter, simply give her the same amount of cash as you're paying for the education of your son, I am absolutely positive she will bite your hand off for that deal, the money is so much more valuable than the value added by private school.

Mind you, I am also sure that your son would take that deal too, and much prefer to go to a local state school.

I think you would be very foolish to treat siblings so differently outside significant different needs (which would only really be needs that couldn't be catered for at a state school when I'm sure the siblings would be on board with) it's so hard to avoid any sort of resentment.

My Father boarded at Rossell and his sister didn't. It caused no end of problems, in the end he gave his half of his inheritance to her to try to even things out. She is less bitter now.

@Babynamechangerr - oh, yes! I should have specified. They offer sports scholarships (as well as the standard academic ones), so that is primarily what we are thinking about. Having said that, the academic scholarships are not going to be harder than the superselective grammar school. Possibly not easier, but certainly not harder. Our two 'local' superselectives are two of the best state schools in the country, and they literally have people taking the exam from abroad, and from hundreds of miles away within the country, with the intention of moving if their child gets a place.

I should also add, we couldn't afford the girls private under any circumstances because the scholarships are no more than 5%. But yes, we couldn't afford to consider private for both (or even all of one - if that makes sense!).

@JanuaryIsNotTheOnlyMonth that is so true.

For those who have said that it should be for both or none, I honestly think I would have said the same thing up to now. However, I think that it feels like this would be finding the best school environment for each of them. I wonder if we can soothe the sense of loss by thinking about school trips for my DD? But then would my DS feel penalised? Pah.

a perfectionist who would prefer not to try than fail
So how are you going to persuade him to work hard / do his best in the scholarship exam?

What will you do if he doesn’t get the scholarship?

What would you have done about your Dd had she not got into the grammar?

You could enter your Ds for the grammar, and then frame the private place as the contingency because he didn’t, like her, get a place. But then what are you saying to him?

Have you looked at your other local state schools?

IME the ‘it isn’t cool to be clever’ isn’t a thing any more and it is way cooler to be in top sets.