AIBU to consider having one in grammar and one in private?

[Holidayinginmymind]

My DD has gotten into the local(ish) superselective grammar. It is all girls, and we think it is the perfect school for her. She is very bright, competitive and loves a challenge. For us, this school was the perfect choice for her (or near perfect, might have chosen a different grammar had we been closer to it). We preferred this to the local selective girls private.

My son is bright, but not as stand out as my DD. He is creative, sporty, bright and a perfectionist who would prefer not to try than fail. My concern with him is that, on the one hand, in the local superselective boys schools (if he got in), he would feel like a failure because he wouldn't be top of the class. On the other hand, he is sociable and popular, and if he were in a school where being clever wasn't cool, I think that he would happily coast along. He is naturally curious, and insecure. He is also very sporty (plays for a local football team, is a competitive swimmer). There is a local private school that I think would be perfect for him. It is selective, and has strong academic standards, but also very strong sport, art and music (I get the impression you can find your tribe, whatever your interests). We want him to try for a scholarship (which is potentially much more than the nominal 5%'s you often get nowdays). IF he got in and IF he got a good scholarship, then we think we could afford for him to go.

I had assumed, this would be fine with my DD because her school feels like it will be such a good fit for her. But she is a bit upset at the idea that her brother might get to go to this school because they have much better facilities than her school will have. We couldn't have afforded for her to go to the girls private because their scholarships are tiny. My question is, AIBU to consider private for one and not the other? If you don't think I am, do you have any thoughts/experience/advice on how to manage (and resolve?) my DD's current feeling of missing out? I don't want her to feel it is unfair. But I also want to find the best school for my DS.

In every family I've known who have split the dc between state and private it has caused massive resentment and ongoing issues.

I have seen plenty of families where it has not. I think it depends on whether the children all clearly see and understand that their parents are trying to make the best choices for ALL their children, as individuals.

Just to say, the issue isn't just whether or not DS would get in to the superselectives, it is whether he would be happy and thrive there.

For DD, I really think the environment is perfect for her. She will have two or three local girls to travel with, and she will be challenged and I hope she will love it. She was thrilled with this option, until we decided DS would try for the private school.

I have told her that her school is more competitive and harder to get into (true). And that we think that she will find more like minded people at her school than at the private girls school (also true), and that the facilities at her school will give her opportunities to do all the things she wants to do (also true, although maybe she would have liked to try some of the other sports things). But some of her friends have just sat private school exams, and she hasn't, and she is annoyed DS will, I think.

If it s about swimming or climbing facilities offer to enrol dd into private swimming and climbing clubs.
But you seem to have decided ds will see himself a certain way...why not do something about his resilience ? And his confidence? Because his sense of failure could equally be an issue anywhere if not addressed...

But thinking he’d thrive best there is subjective, and as a factor in your decision should IMO be of lower priority than finance and fairness to DD.

Where would you have sent DD had she not got into the free superselective? Sounds like you’d have sent her to the comp.

OP, are you talking about the Sutton grammars? And the Croydon indies?

I think it's really unfair to send one to a private school and not send the other one. Either send both, or send neither.

OP are you thinking of Whitgift 10+ for your son? Only because you mentioned climbing and it’s the only school I’ve heard of with a climbing team 😬

@ThinkingIsAllowed

Why? What if DD would be happiest and better educated in the grammar and DS would be happiest and better educated in the Independent - which child should go to a school which would make them less happy and which child is that supposed to benefit?

OP where I live this is very common. I live in a grammar area and the comprehensives near to me are really dire. A lot of middle class parents view the indies as the second choice school if their child doesn't get through the 11+. (I actually think this is a little unfair as the indies have more in the way of sport/art/drama).

We are indeed in the South London/Kent type area, and actually, Whitgift is not the only school with a climbing wall (don't know about climbing team!).

@Dozer I guess we will have to agree to disagree. Thriving is the most important thing for me. Decisions about someone else must always be subjective. Having said that, fairness is also very important. But it is more complicated than just being given the same things.

@Embracelife my DD doesn't really want to do swim club, and I don't think she is desperate to climb. She just wants the facilities. I do also totally agree about working on DS's resilience. But that is a long-term challenge. It isn't something that will be resolved in the next two years.

Totally get your reasons but my pals didn’t this and it had a real impact on the kids relationship for years. If pos try and get them in the same grammar and if it really doesn’t suit him move him at 13?

Did sorry! Not didn’t...

Why? What if DD would be happiest and better educated in the grammar and DS would be happiest and better educated in the Independent - which child should go to a school which would make them less happy and which child is that supposed to benefit?

I totally agree - none of us know 100% what will happen in the future but parents do know their kids well enough to have some level of confidence and do what they feel is best for individual kids.

This isn't about equal expenditure it's about equal opportunity to thrive in an environment best suited to them.

I got into an all girl grammar school after grafting my little arse off with a paper round to buy practice papers.

We couldn't have afforded anything towards private school but I could not have had a better school experience more well suited to me as a child. My love for learning was valued and I was pushed to achieve. It was ideal for me and I developed a work ethic that led to me running my own business at a relatively young age.

My brother went to a local comprehensive and hated all things academic but the school quite rightly explained to students that vocational jobs are just as important and you don't need an A in physics to have a job you are good at and enjoy. He's worked his way from apprenticeship to factory floor to middle management for a global company. He would have sunk at grammar school or private schools that didn't have those options available. He wasn't sporty and didn't want to try academically but loved practical applications and hands on work. He's bloody good at his job and so am I.

OP if you genuinely believe that your daughter's school is best for her and the private school is best for your son then it would be unfair on either child to take a different course.

If your DD is feeling hard done by I would maybe have a sit down with her and explain this to her in an understandable way but a mature way so she feels she is not being sidelined. Perhaps you could reassure her that her extra curricular (or academic) passions will be something you are happy to fund in order to give her the best opportunities but explain that they are individuals and you'd be doing her a disservice to change her schools when this one is so well suited to her.

Good luck OP, it's a tough one and while I used to whinge about us having no money I can see in this situation it complicates things! I hope it all gets sorted

Allmysmellysocks - the problem is if one of the kids thinks that they would be happier and better educated at a different place.

Would the DD have thought her parents could have made more of an effort to look for an indie for her which did give a bigger bursary?

But then would the DS think he could have had a better education if he did go to indie and parents could afford?

It is a really hard decision.

"Fair" doesn't mean "same". YANBU because your children have different needs and are different people. The only thing I'd say is you still need a backup plan if your son doesn't get a scholarship.

If your elder child doesn't quite get fair =/= same, you could try asking if she'd like all the "same" things as her younger sibling eg less allowance/pocket money, earlier bedtime, fewer privileges, earlier curfew, etc. Or, if they do different hobbies/extracurricular classes, maybe she'd like her ballet/football to be entirely dependent on whether her younger sibling also goes to the same classes? Because she needs to understand that they each get age-appropriate opportunities that meet their needs and facilitate their best lives insofar as you're able to support them.

I find these threads really sad.
It's assuming any dc who go to state schools will have shit results.
Most areas do not have grammar schools.
Most people can't afford private schools.
You can't afford private schools for your kids.
Yabu

@monkeysox I know it’s a bit of a first world problem realy isn’t it. Might be good to have a chat with both DCs involved and let Them know how lucky they are to be dealing with these issues in the first place! I’m sure OP realizes that though

For what it's worth, I went to the super selective school and DSis (younger) went to the local indy. We're incredibly close now, and it hasn't caused a second of resentment. I think it's how you approach it which makes a lot of difference.

Our DC are younger but we're going to be going down the Sutton grammar route when the time comes too. And I'll have no qualms about doing what you're considering if needs be.

I'm in a similar situation although it's both girls and eldest would be very happy if youngest went to a different school 😁 We currently have one daughter at a girls grammar and one who will be trying for a scholarship to the local private school. We can't afford it if she doesn't get a scholarship so she will be sitting the 11plus. I already have a son at the local state school as well. I am doing what I think is best for each child and what they have chosen too. I think YANBU, maybe look into some things her school has that potentially your sons doesn't. Like being all girls. I know my daughter loves that!

Grammar school is supposed to be for children who would never get the opportunity to go to private school, but who are clever.

We have a grammar school system here (and a very poor choice of state secondary schools.

Our Grammar schools are full of children who have been tutored and who went to private primary schools.

Drives me mad.

I don't know how near the Sutton grammars you are but Sutton also has a partially selective comp. if you pass first stage 11+ you can get in. 60 places I think it is for this from 300. My dd goes and she's loving it. Less pressure than a full grammer but still great opportunities. Oh and I think they have a climbing wall too!

I think I read somewhere there is also one in beckenham if you are Kent way.

Live in a Grammar school area and its very common round here to do as you suggest amongst upper middle class parents. They see the grammar as a free private school.

Where would he go if he didn't get the scholarship and didn't get into the grammar? What % is it?

Having experience of all this personally (with me and my sibling and virtually every friend I have who all either went to grammar or private schools!) and having also been a state school teacher your reasoning is absolutely spot on and it sounds like your analysis of the situation and what would suit your children is too. If only all parents had this kind of insight into their children's needs we'd have a lot of happier children in our schools! Different environments suit different children. Heck, I've just put in an application for a totally different primary school for one of my children than the other already attends because I know it's the right choice for them. Trust your instincts!