AIBU to consider having one in grammar and one in private?

[Holidayinginmymind]

My DD has gotten into the local(ish) superselective grammar. It is all girls, and we think it is the perfect school for her. She is very bright, competitive and loves a challenge. For us, this school was the perfect choice for her (or near perfect, might have chosen a different grammar had we been closer to it). We preferred this to the local selective girls private.

My son is bright, but not as stand out as my DD. He is creative, sporty, bright and a perfectionist who would prefer not to try than fail. My concern with him is that, on the one hand, in the local superselective boys schools (if he got in), he would feel like a failure because he wouldn't be top of the class. On the other hand, he is sociable and popular, and if he were in a school where being clever wasn't cool, I think that he would happily coast along. He is naturally curious, and insecure. He is also very sporty (plays for a local football team, is a competitive swimmer). There is a local private school that I think would be perfect for him. It is selective, and has strong academic standards, but also very strong sport, art and music (I get the impression you can find your tribe, whatever your interests). We want him to try for a scholarship (which is potentially much more than the nominal 5%'s you often get nowdays). IF he got in and IF he got a good scholarship, then we think we could afford for him to go.

I had assumed, this would be fine with my DD because her school feels like it will be such a good fit for her. But she is a bit upset at the idea that her brother might get to go to this school because they have much better facilities than her school will have. We couldn't have afforded for her to go to the girls private because their scholarships are tiny. My question is, AIBU to consider private for one and not the other? If you don't think I am, do you have any thoughts/experience/advice on how to manage (and resolve?) my DD's current feeling of missing out? I don't want her to feel it is unfair. But I also want to find the best school for my DS.

I have two friends friends with three children each. Both send one child to private, and the other two to (excellent) state. I’d worry very much about the state children perceiving themselves as less than.

I know a ‘high powered’ man who sent his daughter to grammar and his son to private because he thought his son would need a good career but his daughter would probably marry rich and stop work.

Yes, see the horrendous James Delingpole for this practice.

Would it be the end of the world for your son to just go to a normal non selective state school??

Also I’m confused, if your son won’t get into a grammar why would he be selected for a la w scholarship to a private school? Wouldn’t equal levels of academic-ness be needed ?

Would sit DS for the superselective and the private, and send him to the former if he got in.

I have one child who is very academically able, and will most likely pass the 11+ for our excellent local grammar.

I have another who is consistently on the lower end of average, and needs quite a bit of support. We’re already saving for private fees as I don’t feel he can reach his potential at the local comp, with big classes and lots of silly behaviour to distract him. Smaller class sizes, individualised support and more opportunities to be successful in non academic areas are essential, I believe.

We can’t afford to send both private, but I have absolutely no reservations about the decision. It’s not about favouring one child, but ensuring both can reach their potential in the right environment.

It doesn't matter if you don't treat them equally in terms of selective, grammar, state or private as that's irrelevant. What matters is treating them both equally in finding a school where they will be happy and not stressed. Don't compare them, let them be who they are and let them have the main say in which secondary school they go to.

Also I’d like to add.. sorry for multiple posts, that in yr 6 me and my best friend got in to a selective but ‘not as good as grammar’ independent school. Had a pool, fancy labs, theatre, amazing library, etc . I got into the very selective grammar and... CRIED when I got the letter because I knew I would be going there as it was better academically and also, uh, FREE. I was gutted and I can remember thinking the grammar was going to be SO BORING. The facilities were a bit rubbish, but they were slowly upgraded during my time there and I absolutely loved it and didn’t even think about the other school after about a week. HOWEVER, if one of my siblings had gone there, I am ashamed to say I would have struggled not to be jealous and not to throw a ‘you only went because you didn’t get into grammar’ in there for a sly dig. But that was me ! Your kids might be different !

I don't think kids have to have the same things in life, but it does have to be fair.
I've one private and the others were state school and finished before dd started her school.
The others have had exactly the same amount of money and time spent on their interests/ future as dd is having. Plus the private school costs the same as attending a state school.

You have to do what's right for each child, but the other should get the equivalent in money/time etc.

It’s not about favouring one child, but ensuring both can reach their potential in the right environment

This seems very limiting on your other child, they're just at the local grammar, surely individual tutoring tailored to their needs is more likely to help them reach their potential.

You don't actually mean you want them to meet their potential, simply that you want them to meet some minimum standard of academic grades that you think is appropriate to enable their next stage of education - that may well be reasonable of course since that is a huge part of secondary school, but don't pretend it's got anything to do with potential, that is seriously doing a disservice to the sibling who isn't getting the money spent on them to help it.

Hmmm.

I think that there is a chance that my DS would get into the superselective grammars. He is bright. My concern is that he wouldn't thrive there.

I certainly do not think that my son would get the better education. The school my DD will go to is highly sought after, and the girls are happy. She wants to go to a girls school, and I think she will love it.

My DS has always felt overshadowed academically by my DD, because she is extremely academic. He is a bright boy, and my concern is that he writes himself off. He is very emotionally intelligent, but whilst that makes him socially great, he is also overly sensitive.

I have looked for an environment that would stimulate and nurture each of them. But whilst it is fair from one perspective, I do see that the surface of facilities and competitive sporting opportunities (no matter how much she isn't bothered by doing them herself) could seem unfair. I want to find a way that it isn't. I think that is what will take some deeper thought. Possibly one solution is waiting until the 11+, which gives us a little more time to work it out.

Lots of people do this. If you're in a grammar area the privates tend to be quite full of kids who failed the 11+. A very bright, academic child might be happier in a grammar in that case than a private - they'll find more like minded friends. A child who is into sport, art, drama and doesn't cope with pressure will be better in a private. I can afford to send both to private but at the moment my eldest is likely to go to grammar because he's geeky, can barely kick a football and wouldn't be happy at the local privates. My youngest is too young to tell but if she'd be happier at private we'll pay for private. Money isn't the consideration for us it's the school that bests suits the child. (Obviously we're exceedingly lucky to have the choice).

I would probably enroll both of them for the grammar school exams, and I will also let them know that currently I can afford to pay only x amount for private school. Which means that DD can go to the grammar school if accepted but cannot afford to go to private school as the fees are too high for the family to pay, and the scholarships are not that good, and DS can go to the grammar school if accepted, but the only way he can go private is if he is granted one of the scholarships, which are better in this particular private school - and no doubt, there will be much competition for them. However - are there any affordable private schools that DD can have a look at, which could offer large enough scholarships she can go for?

And yes, what options are there for DS if he will not be granted a scholarship to go to the private independent school?

Often here we have one child at a shiny amazingly funded grammar, and the other at the absolutely fine but definitely bog standard comp.

If the same logic was applied (that you have to treat both children equally) should an academically bright child not be allowed to sit the 11+ because their sibling didn’t (or probably wouldn’t) get in?

Sometimes treating children equally isn’t treating them fairly.

Plus the private school costs the same as attending a state school.

How does that work out then ?

Your DD needs to understand that you are choosing what you think will be the best school for each of them. That won't be the same school for each of them.

If you’re worried about how he’ll do if he’s not in top sets, how do you think he’d do if he fell in love with the school and then failed to win a scholarship (and couldn’t go)? I think that would be far worse. If you’re setting your sights on a big % scholarship that is a lot of pressure in itself.

But, I don’t think one child in grammar and one in private is always a bad thing if you’re doing it to suit their individual needs. Where it perhaps is different is the fact you could only do one and you’ve chosen to do it for one child and not the other. I get the logic but if you’re eldest is already a bit resentful you could have years of this unfortunately.

My friends sil ended up in therapy due to loads of bitterness and resentment due to her brothers being sent to private while her and her sister went to state. She went to a very good state school too but felt she was a second class child (and a girl)

I'd strongly suggest the boy taking the exam for the grammar - if he gets in then he's likely good enough to do well there and it would, other things being equal be good enough to give both of your kids the same opportunities.

If he doesn't get into the grammar then that'd be a reason indeed to send him private [provided he got in there], & it'd be very easy indeed for you to explain this to your kids later in life, I'm sure they'd understand - you wanted both of them to go somewhere prestigous [or whatever], DD got into the state option, DS didn't, so...

I have a number of friends whose brothers went to private school and they (and their sisters) didn't. They ALL resent it.

I think you are in a tricky position as it doesn't sound like your motivation is particularly flawed but the outcome could be worse than the impact of the school choice.

I think I would sell the super selective grammar as the "top" choice - with private school being a back up - if you aren't able to get in.

I am so glad I don't live in a grammar school area and all my children go to the local comp!

@FourStarsShine that was exactly my concern initially. I thought my son would feel like a failure if he didn't get in, but DD had.

@Darkbendis that is kind of the situation we are in, except that we didn't consider private for DD (for more than a fraction of a second) because the scholarships weren't high enough, and if we had tried for a bursary, then there is no way we could have afforded for them both to go to private. So she didn't even sit the exams.

In every family I've known who have split the dc between state and private it has caused massive resentment and ongoing issues. It is a recognised course of action in places (e.g.Kent, south London) where there are excellent grammars and independent schools, but I have never seen it done successfully. I'm a former teacher (state, including grammar) in one of these areas so I've seen a lot of such families come through.

I have one at Eton and one at grammar. They both chose their schools and neither would swap with the other. We wanted to find the right school for each child, and we did: ds1 can do music to his heart’s content, and is energised by how busy his school is. Ds2 really wanted a day school and relishes quiet time to himself to pursue his own interests. I expect them to achieve similarly academically, and both of them to benefit from being in an environment suited to their needs.

Fair doesn’t mean the same. We have one in a very selective boarding school on a hefty scholarship and the other in a state school. Both are thriving where they are. Both understand that they have different foci, and that they need different things, and neither envies the other or begrudges them the different advantages they have. It’s about how you communicate your reasons to them.

Your desire for your DS to attend the school you THINk he would thrive best at doesn’t IMO outweigh other factors such as money and fairness to DD.

Moving him for year 6, rather than getting a tutor and trying for both schools for year 7, would be increasing the odds of him staying at the private school.

Also, investigate the scholarship ££. Lots of private schools are reducing the % discounts for music, sports etc in order to increase their bursary funds.