AIBU to consider having one in grammar and one in private?

[Holidayinginmymind]

My DD has gotten into the local(ish) superselective grammar. It is all girls, and we think it is the perfect school for her. She is very bright, competitive and loves a challenge. For us, this school was the perfect choice for her (or near perfect, might have chosen a different grammar had we been closer to it). We preferred this to the local selective girls private.

My son is bright, but not as stand out as my DD. He is creative, sporty, bright and a perfectionist who would prefer not to try than fail. My concern with him is that, on the one hand, in the local superselective boys schools (if he got in), he would feel like a failure because he wouldn't be top of the class. On the other hand, he is sociable and popular, and if he were in a school where being clever wasn't cool, I think that he would happily coast along. He is naturally curious, and insecure. He is also very sporty (plays for a local football team, is a competitive swimmer). There is a local private school that I think would be perfect for him. It is selective, and has strong academic standards, but also very strong sport, art and music (I get the impression you can find your tribe, whatever your interests). We want him to try for a scholarship (which is potentially much more than the nominal 5%'s you often get nowdays). IF he got in and IF he got a good scholarship, then we think we could afford for him to go.

I had assumed, this would be fine with my DD because her school feels like it will be such a good fit for her. But she is a bit upset at the idea that her brother might get to go to this school because they have much better facilities than her school will have. We couldn't have afforded for her to go to the girls private because their scholarships are tiny. My question is, AIBU to consider private for one and not the other? If you don't think I am, do you have any thoughts/experience/advice on how to manage (and resolve?) my DD's current feeling of missing out? I don't want her to feel it is unfair. But I also want to find the best school for my DS.

OP I think the problem will be obtaining the sports or academic scholarship for your DS. DS is currently in the middle of sports scholarship assessment for Y7 entry at the private school he currently attends.

There are 4 awarded in total (2 girls and 2 boys) and 100 children have applied. DS is a county level runner (800m sub 2.30 and 2k sub 8mins) he was one of only 4 awarded rugby colours in the Junior school and is also their best swimmer. He is excellent at football, cricket and hockey but not to the same standard, he does between 15-20 hrs sport per week. He has a place at the Senior school but is unlikely to get a sports scholarship - the standard is that high.

Last year and the previous, all 4 sports scholarships went to children already in the Junior school. Your DS is going to need to be county level at at least 3-4 sports to be in with a chance.

God it's so much harder being a parent now!! In the 90s my big sister went to a private school with much better facilities, and I went to grammar. I don't think we ever questioned it. She didn't get into the grammar but I always thought she was by far the cleverest. I can imagine now everyone would have a heart to heart and need to ensure each child is utterly fulfilled and every need met, I know I would feel like that about my kids. They can always swap over for 6th form if they want to. Other than that, both schools sound amazing and there are families with far worse predicaments.

I think both your kids are very fortunate to have such thoughtful and caring parents.

Only you have the best idea of what's best for each of them, and you do seem to have thought it through pretty thoroughly. Is there some way that you can add some extra benefits for your DD? Like music lessons or a special cultural visit?

My aunt had 5 children 2 boys, and 3 girls, and she set the boys to private schools and the girls to the grammar
She had lots of reasons rationalisations, all of which were bullshit really, and her daughters knew exactly where they stood in the pecking order
In the end though, all 3 girls went into professions, while the boys mucked about pretending to be farmers, so it was all for nothing anyway
Your dd would have every right to feel aggrieved

God it's so much harder being a parent now!! In the 90s my big sister went to a private school with much better facilities, and I went to grammar. I don't think we ever questioned it.

It's not new to question whether it is reasonable! I'm in my 50s and know plenty of women who went to grammar schools while the brothers went to private schools. They definitely question it.

@FizzyGreenWater what s/he said! 😂

We have a neighbouring county who has a really good Grammar school.

A few of the parents at our prep school sent their children to it .

They've been surprised that since their children sat a very selective entrance exam they are still in classes of 30 with limited resources as they still get state funding.

Yes, they are in classes with likewise intelligent people but there is a huge difference between private schools with likely 15 per class and funds of upwards of 18 k paid per pupil.

There have been complaints that the Grammar school in question have asked for parent funding to pay for new IT equipment.

They can't understand as their children passed such a rigorous entrance exam.

Our private school has the latest I pad each year on the uniform list.

There is a difference. It's funding.

Many years ago I got a place in a super-selective grammar. My parents knew iwas highly unlikely my younger sister would get a place and so declined it and sent me to a private school 25 miles away with the hope at my sister was more likely to get a place there and we would then both have the same education.

I am.now in my 50s and am still resentful about it. The girls private school wasn't as good as the super selactive and I feel.my parents made the wrong decision. I would have been much happier if i had gone to the girls grammar and my sister had gone privat.

50 years ago my father got selected for a secondary modern in the Grammar system. He went on to get a PHD but had to choose the only university who didn't require Latin.

Times do change and I'll say it again.

Grammar schools get the same funding as your local state school.

They are selective.

However most of the private schools across the county boarder are also selective. If not, they use an entrance exam to set your child with like ability. So day one setting with classes of 15.

There used to be a comparison.

Frankly these days a grammar school is a state school with 30 also very bright children and the same lack of facilities.

My twin brother did well enough in the 11+ to get into the grammar school, I didn't and got sent to a private school instead. Honestly until now it hadn't crossed my mind that my brother could have felt resentful (I don't think he ever did, but it's true - we did have better facilities and the potential for networking and later opportunities, although I never benefitted from them, are undeniable).

What a difficult situation to be in - I guess my family was fortunate that this rivalry or potential resentment didn't crop up for us - I actually wanted to go to my local secondary with my friends and was extremely anxious going alone to the private school.

We were both fortunate to do well academically but I also felt under a lot of pressure to achieve (as did my whole class) and it was a stressful time for me as an already anxious kid. I think private schools are probably better at managing this now.

I think FizzyGreenWater has put it brilliantly! I’d also say no matter how much you may think it doesn’t matter these days, the learning curve at Oxbridge is a bit of an eye-opener from even the best grammar (I couldn’t do an a-level I wanted to as we didn’t meet minimum class sizes, whereas a friend in my first term had had 1-1 lessons for two years...). However, my parents did offer me the option to move to private at a-level and at the time I was otherwise very happy with my school, so no resentment whatsoever. But may well be something to bear in mind!

Frankly these days a grammar school is a state school with 30 also very bright children and the same lack of facilities.

Exactly and at A level the class sizes are often bigger than comprehensives.