AIBU to consider having one in grammar and one in private?

[Holidayinginmymind]

My DD has gotten into the local(ish) superselective grammar. It is all girls, and we think it is the perfect school for her. She is very bright, competitive and loves a challenge. For us, this school was the perfect choice for her (or near perfect, might have chosen a different grammar had we been closer to it). We preferred this to the local selective girls private.

My son is bright, but not as stand out as my DD. He is creative, sporty, bright and a perfectionist who would prefer not to try than fail. My concern with him is that, on the one hand, in the local superselective boys schools (if he got in), he would feel like a failure because he wouldn't be top of the class. On the other hand, he is sociable and popular, and if he were in a school where being clever wasn't cool, I think that he would happily coast along. He is naturally curious, and insecure. He is also very sporty (plays for a local football team, is a competitive swimmer). There is a local private school that I think would be perfect for him. It is selective, and has strong academic standards, but also very strong sport, art and music (I get the impression you can find your tribe, whatever your interests). We want him to try for a scholarship (which is potentially much more than the nominal 5%'s you often get nowdays). IF he got in and IF he got a good scholarship, then we think we could afford for him to go.

I had assumed, this would be fine with my DD because her school feels like it will be such a good fit for her. But she is a bit upset at the idea that her brother might get to go to this school because they have much better facilities than her school will have. We couldn't have afforded for her to go to the girls private because their scholarships are tiny. My question is, AIBU to consider private for one and not the other? If you don't think I am, do you have any thoughts/experience/advice on how to manage (and resolve?) my DD's current feeling of missing out? I don't want her to feel it is unfair. But I also want to find the best school for my DS.

Where would you have sent DD had she not got into the superselective?

My money is on a comprehensive.

She is old enough to understand that you are doing the best you can, you love both of them equally and you will make sure things even up through the university/babysitting years.

I think you are building a problem out of a situation most parents could only dream of being in. Any problems your ds may have at a grammar or even (God forbid) a bog standard comp, would be unlikely to affect him or his future.

Since you can not afford to put the same amount of money away for dd if ds goes to a private school, I would bet everything I've got that it drives an irreversible wedge of bitterness between your dc. I wouldn't risk it.

Hmm I know many parents who used to send their boys private but not their girls. It sends a really dodgy message about how much parents value girls' education I think.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned it yet, but the differing amount of holidays between private and state will be an ongoing difficulty.

One sibling getting a two week half term and the other only a week could be tricky.

I see your point about wanting to do the best for your individual children, but I can see even more why your dd is cross that she didn't sit for indys.

What if she hadn't passed the grammar entry exam? It would have been too late for the independent schools then.

I know a number of people who have done this - it's fairly common in grammar areas. DH had the exact same happen to him. He went to a grammar - he was academic and wouldn't have liked the private. His sister wouldn't have coped with the pressure of grammar (but could have been coached through the test) and got 10% off for a music scholarship at the local private girl's school - she went there. Parents were relieved as could only just scrape together 90% of one set of school fees. Both kids were happy and got to go to a school which suited them. No wedge has been driven between them and they're fine.

I know lots of families who could afford to send all kids (three in one case) private but one kid has opted for grammar instead because it suits them better. What do you think the parents should do - take the other kids out of private just because the youngest decided not to go?

What if one kid needs tutoring and one doesn't? What if one has an expensive hobby and the other wants to do something cheaper/free? You don't tot up what you've spent on each child's upbringing.

As for me, I'll choose Grammar Vs Private based on what's best for my kids (and if they pass obviously). If one kid goes to grammar I certainly won't be giving them the saved school fees as a gift!

I have one at Eton and one at grammar

Schools isn’t just about education. It is a social blueprint.

Your Eton child has an advantage.

Also, OP, I feel sorry for your dd.

Being the sibling of the favoured child is no fun.

So because his sister thinks it's unfair he goes to a comp and DD is at superselective grammar. Nothing wrong with comps - lots of good ones. But there won't be much difference between superselective grammar and a private school. Academically the grammar will probably be better. Fancy classrooms don't really make a good school.
Your DD is being silly and a bit spoiled. I could understand her thinking if she was being shipped off to the local sink school and DS was being treated favourably!
I think she has to accept the situation as it is. Explain it how it is - you can't afford 2 sets of fees.

Well, I suppose you are teaching your children a stark and brutal reality of life which is that money will always buy you into a better life regardless of your abilities.

Brother in law's brother (golden child) to private BIL to state...still causing problems between them in their fifties...And if you can only just afford it that means DD's lifestyle would be materially affected...

My child at Eton has an advantage. My child at a local grammar school also has an advantage: he’s at home with us, as he wanted to be, and he has an excellent education that suits his needs. I don’t treat my children like a batch of identical bread rolls: we let them choose their schools. They just had to pass whatever selection tests there were to get there. Both boys qualified for a number of schools and both went to their first choices.

We’ll have to see what happens years down the line: whether ds1 resents us for allowing him to board or ds2 resents us for allowing him not to. It’s a choice for each individual family, and it happens that our circumstances and the way we treat each other means that we’re all comfortable with this approach: I can see the point of view that not all families would work this way.

Our DD went to grammar school and our DS to a private school. There was no boy’s grammar school in our catchment area. Our DD was happy at her school and never resented the fact that her brother was in a private school. We supported them both thru Uni and then a few years later, we paid for our daughter to study for an MA. So I think things evened out. I think children should go to the school that will best suit their needs. My three GC are all at different schools because my DiL thought this too.

I think that treating your two children will cause a lifetime of problems between them and between you and in particular your DD.

You shouldn't have over shared this with your DD. Yes, I get that that she is bright and grown up enough to have conversations like this but she is still the child and should have no part in the decision making for her brothers education. You are the parent and you should choose the school that is right for your son - not his 10/11 year old sister.

Your DD hasn't started at her new school yet... she got her place due to being clever (luck) but also I am sure by working hard practicing the test?....and already you are pissing on her chips considering fancier expensive options for her little brother.

I think you have labelled your DC as the clever one and the sporty one, and this is going to cause issues. ALL DC benefit from a school that values academic work and also ALL DC benefit from sporting opportunities. Especially the ones not labelled as sporty. The benefits of finding a physical activity you enjoy will help during your entire life. This is particularly important for girls.

Ultimately I think your view on what school best suits each child has enormously sexist foundations.

I totally agree with your daughter and I say that as someone whose children went to "super selective" grammar schools. They are just state schools and the only advantage compared with some comprehensives. is that the pace is quicker (although that's a disadvantage for some children). I hate the fact that they are considered by some to be similar to private schools when the class sizes are far larger and they don't have the same facilities and certainly don't have good pastoral care usually. Your DD has clearly spotted this as well so don't try to kid yourself that she will ever see things differently.

Yes, I get that that she is bright and grown up enough to have conversations like this but she is still the child and should have no part in the decision making for her brothers education. You are the parent and you should choose the school that is right for your son - not his 10/11 year old sister.

She is a child now but that doesn't mean she won't have the same opinion when she's an adult that her brother has been treated more favourably. She's already spotted the facilities aren't as good and when she spots that the class sizes in the grammar are much larger her feelings will probably strengthen if anything.

Although I can understand how this situation has arisen.

If you can't afford two sets of private fees, it wouldn't have been fair to enter your dd for the indy exams as if she passed and wanted to go there, her brother wouldn't have had the option.

But the option for an indy has arisen for her brother because of her good luck/hard work in getting into grammar school.

That's the tricky bit.

I think that something particularly dodgy about spending money on the son's education but not the daughters considering the advantages men have in life compared with women usually. You're just starting early.

Ultimately I think your view on what school best suits each child has enormously sexist foundations.

I suspect that too. I'm in my 50s and know one or two women who went to grammar schools while their brothers went to public schools and it doesn't reflect well on their parents.

I know lots of families who could afford to send all kids (three in one case) private but one kid has opted for grammar instead because it suits them better. What do you think the parents should do - take the other kids out of private just because the youngest decided not to go?

It's totally different if the children all have the same opportunities but one chooses the grammar. Do you not see that?!

How old are your children at the moment? Assuming your DD is in Y6, she hasn't actually started at secondary school yet and may well be in that angsty stage of worrying about making friends at a new school, getting there, threat of detentions etc. as well as being surrounded by peers who probably don't yet know which secondary schools they've got places at. To then be in on discussions about her younger, less motivated brother being offered the opportunity to go to a fancy school with fancy facilities to help him focus, may feel like more than she can cope with just now. Your talk of your DS entering private school at 10+ also makes me wonder if that would mean he'd potentially avoid the Y6 tests - I can imagine that causing outrage between my two!

Unless your DS needs to apply for secondary school tests imminently, I'd dial back on those discussions and focus on your DD settling into Y7. Thinking of the one 'superselective' girls grammar nearish to here, no matter how proud the girls who get in feel, there's a definite undercurrent of 'what if I'm not good enough?' as well as the thoughtlessness of well-meaning(?) people who bring up the reputation the school has for having high levels of self-harm, the pressure the girls are put under etc. For a 10/11 year old to have that at the back of their mind whilst hearing how you're considering protecting a younger sibling from those pressures would be extremely hard.

I don't think YABU for having one in grammar and one in private but I think it's unreasonable to have lower expectations of your DS than of your DD and unreasonable to not let her settle into secondary school before making her party to discussions about her brother's secondary destinations. She may love her secondary school, thrive there and refuse to entertain any idea of moving to a private school should the opportunity arise but until she's there, no one knows.

If we had the money, we may well have had one at private and one at comprehensive. DD1 turned down a guaranteed grammar place in favour of an excellent, more local, comp. She's thriving there and has found her tribe of bright, geeky, sporty and musical friends, goes on trips to Europe and has had lots of opportunities. Because she's at a state school she is also able to access schemes that aren't available to privately educated children. She attends a junior conservatoire on Saturdays which is brilliant but pricey.

DD2 is in Y6 and would have loved to go to a boarding school that specialises in the sport she loves. Failing that, there's a fairly local day school which would support interest in her sport but would give her endless opportunities to progress at the musical instrument she plays. The boarding school is unaffordable, even if she'd got a 50% scholarship as the only alternative is to take on a fees loan through the school. DH and I are teachers so our salaries are never going to increase by much so we're not in a position to take on a significant loan. The local day school was interested in DD2 when we enquired but again, the scholarships aren't big enough to make it affordable. Had they been, we'd have had no qualms about sending DD2 there. We asked DD1 how she'd feel if her sister went to a private school and her response was that she'd be relieved we'd not tried sending her to one and that no, she wouldn't even want to go to one for sixth form. DD2 is going to join her sister at the comprehensive and I'm sure she'll be happy there. She won't have the same opportunities as the private schools would have offered but at least the comprehensive is supportive of time off school to participate in sport and music events. Meanwhile, whilst her sister has lots of money spent on the junior conservatoire, we even things up a bit by DD2 going on a pricey music residential that she loves as well as by supporting her participation in her beloved sport.

Give your DD time to enjoy her new school and let her know that if she'd like to look at moving to a private school for Y9 or Y12, you'll sit down with her to explore affordable options. And give your DS a chance to sit the 11+ and private school entry tests if that's what he's interested in when the time comes.

My parents did this, I went to a grammar school and my brother private. It did cause resentment. I wouldn’t do it. Your daughter will see him have a lot of opportunities not open to her