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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL thinks I’m too ugly and fat for his son.

219 replies

ims0rrydarlin · 15/01/2020 22:59

Just that really.

Was pretty upset about this. Doesn’t really want his Son to marry me because I’m not as attractive as his ex wife.

I’m a size 12-14. Always have looked after myself and considered myself Atleast average on a bad day.

We’re both Asian and families do like to meddle but this really threw me off.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 16/01/2020 10:27

It sounds like you will be marrying into a backwards misogynistic culture OP
what's in it for you?

corcaithecat · 16/01/2020 10:29

Poor love. You’re hurting at the moment but it will be 100 times worse if you marry him and then find yourself stuck with his awful overbearing family.

At this stage in a relationship, you should be floating on Cloud Nine feeling hugely excited about wedding planning and invincible like Superwoman.

The fact that this is now affecting your self esteem to the extent that you’re bunking off work, should be ringing huge alarm bells to you OP.

Do your parents know he is divorced and infertile?
Tell your parents and your friends about his dad’s nasty comments and get their support.

There are billions of men on this planet. Don’t limit your chances of happiness by doing nothing and letting events overtake you.

Take back control, dump him and I promise that you will find someone else who is a much better fit for you. Believe in yourself, not this wimp of a fiancé and his overbearing family.

You can do so much better!

UYScuti · 16/01/2020 10:32

I agree that this is a negotiating technique, they are treating you as if you are a used car, claiming you're worth much less than you really are so they can get you for a low price ....not that they're paying money for you but this allows his family to treat you as if you're inferior make you comply with them etc
Is this what you want for your life?

LordOfTheWhys · 16/01/2020 10:35

I agree with the PP who said he cried because then you had to comfort him when actually you're the injured party in this scenario. There's a lot of unappealing manipulation going on.
Tell him your DF said you can't possibly marry into a family with such weak, shallow men Wink

Seaweed42 · 16/01/2020 10:37

Sounds like he is looking for a new Mummy for himself (you) who will devote her life to him.
I agree with the posters who see this 'you make me complete' as a Red Flag. People can be complete on their own but enter into a partnership in a relationship.
I figure this man has very low self esteem, his Dad is an absolute pig. All this crying is trying to get his new Mummy to feel sorry for him. Mummy, Mummy, Daddy was mean to me!
His lack of awareness and lack of concern is shown in how he handed you his Father's insult without any concern for you.
In that moment he didn't see you as a person, but saw the situation as his Dad telling him he couldn't have the new toy he wanted.
He sees you as an object to improve his life and make him look and feel like the person HE should be, with little or no regard for your side of the transaction. You won't be able to change that.

theoriginalmadambee · 16/01/2020 10:38

Thing is, if your partner and his family are that traditional, how much will fil interfere when you are married and why should your partner suddenly grow a backbone, if he can't now?

Hedgehogparty · 16/01/2020 10:40

Warning signs are warning you not to go ahead
You can and will find someone worthy of you
This man and family are not.

KundaliniRising · 16/01/2020 10:43

Where do you see things going op?

Do you feel that it would be in your best interest to continue with this relationship?

RuffleCrow · 16/01/2020 10:44

You are unique and beautiful. You do not need to marry into a family where your worth is decide. This is 2020 and men of all cultures need to realise that women are people, not things. We have an intrinsic value that is nothing to do with the male gaze.

I think the most important questions are:

A) Do you suspect your partner goes along with his father's views?

D) do you suspect these words might in fact come from your partner as a form of 'negging' to keep you dependent on him for your self-worth?

C) given the above, do you really want to marry into this family? You do have a choice, you know. Assuming you live in a country where women have the right to say no.

IntermittentParps · 16/01/2020 10:45

The potential FIL is a twat. What is he, Adonis?

But your partner is not standing up for you properly. Do you want to be in a marriage with someone who behaves like that?

RuffleCrow · 16/01/2020 10:45

*decided by men

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2020 10:47

Some of the comments about here about infertility are really, really fucking nasty. They would never be said about a woman and rightly so.

This ^^

I can't imagine how upset a lot of infertile people might be after reading some of the vile comments on this thread.

brassbrass · 16/01/2020 10:50

It doesn't sound like a good family. The dad's a shallow fuckwit. Both kids divorced, he's infertile. Do you want children yourself?

Pinkbonbon · 16/01/2020 10:53

I'm curious as to how long you've known your partner. The 'you complete me' stuff could be part of 'love bombing'. And now he's moving into the putting you down phase of the whole manipulation.

I'd be off round his father's to see if he really said that. Just ask him straight out. Then you'll get a sense of whether or not your partner was truthful. And then you can't tell one or both of them to go f*ck them self. You don't need a man to defend you. Do it yourself.

Nip this in the butt now. And by that I don't mean the way they treat you, I mean the way you are letting it knock your self esteem.

I'd get shot of them both but, tackle the situation head on first.

On the off chance fil is nasty to your face about your appearance, tell him - his soul is foul, and that's a million times worse. And he isn't a worthy father in law, for ANY woman.

Pinkbonbon · 16/01/2020 10:54

*can tell

MummyJasmin · 16/01/2020 11:04

As an asian woman myself, you don't marry the person - you marry the family.
I'd see this as a blessing in disguise. Why would anyone want to marry into such a backward family. If anything its good you realised before marrying him! If your fiance was the type to stand up to his father, his father would have never dared to make such horrible comments. 1 word....Run.

Fanniesyeraunt · 16/01/2020 11:09

So you are going to marry a man who has to convince his daddy to allow him to marry you? That’s what it basically comes down to isn’t it, and that should ring HUGE alarm bells!

Vanhi · 16/01/2020 11:11

I know some people will dismiss this as woo etc, but your partner’s infertility could be seen as being for a reason-to stop this genetic line from continuing, for what sounds like a good reason....

It's not that it's woo. It's deeply insulting to anyone who is infertile. It's also utterly inaccurate. Boris Johnson has so many children he's lost count - if there was ever a line that should end, it's that one.

Craftycorvid · 16/01/2020 11:20

You sound great, OP, and any decent man should appreciate you. Can’t pretend to be fully aware of the cultural subtext but, FWIW, his crying when he told you says to me that his distress mattered more than yours. If he absolutely had to tell you his dad was not on board, he could have cited any reason at all or framed it better. This family sound as though they would be hard work as in-laws and your chap could easily play the ‘but I fought for you (be grateful forever, excuse anything I do)’ card. Do you want that? I am sure there will be lovely men out there with great families. If it’s a case of marrying the family as well as the man, beware of marrying an abusive one.

Missteebeee · 16/01/2020 11:24

What do your family think of you marrying an infertile divorcee?

Popupshopper · 16/01/2020 11:27

Today 09:54 YasssKween

I quite agree. Unnecessarily cruel, some of the comments, and could only be made by someone who has never suffered from infertility or been the wife of a male suffering from zero sperm count, motility, etc, (And our put under pressure to keep it a secret.)

I do understand the distinction between pointing out the relevance of this male’s infertility and the way it is pointed out. You are correct in being upset with the people who are being crude, not those who’re trying to help the OP see how she is being manipulated.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 11:32

@Missteebeee they probably think it's her choice and that his fertility, or infertility, is absolutely none of their business.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/01/2020 11:37

Look at it this way OP - if your daughter came to you and told you a man she hoped to marry had said this a bout her, would you want her to marry into such an unpleasant family?

If your own parents knew what had beed said about you, will they want you to marry into such an unpleasant family?

I'll bet the answer is "NO!" on both counts.

Missteebeee · 16/01/2020 11:40

@GiveHerHellFromUs it is absolutely no one else’s business except for the lady getting married

I was just trying to understand if her family are pulling the same shit as his family are

(I don’t think they are though)

chris8888 · 16/01/2020 11:43

I would run a mile, I was married to a controlling abusive man. It batters your self esteem. I got out, but you should really think before marrying him.