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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL thinks I’m too ugly and fat for his son.

219 replies

ims0rrydarlin · 15/01/2020 22:59

Just that really.

Was pretty upset about this. Doesn’t really want his Son to marry me because I’m not as attractive as his ex wife.

I’m a size 12-14. Always have looked after myself and considered myself Atleast average on a bad day.

We’re both Asian and families do like to meddle but this really threw me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 16/01/2020 01:49

He called me to say he is gonna ‘fight for me’ and explain to his dad why he wants to marry. Said all the usual things about how I’m his best friend and he can’t live without me etc etc

Thank you for all your responses. I felt too ashamed to mention this to my friends and family just yet, so I really do appreciate your input.

OP posts:
HeIenaDove · 16/01/2020 01:54

"He called me to say he is gonna ‘fight for me’ and explain to his dad why he wants to marry"

And is he going to do this in your presence or just expect you to believe hes done it.

When someone tells you who they are............listen

HeIenaDove · 16/01/2020 01:56

"Whenever you want to marry someone go have lunch with his eex wife"

Shelley Winters.

HeIenaDove · 16/01/2020 01:57

What does he say his ex wife is like. Bet i can guess.

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 16/01/2020 01:58

The reason she left him was because he’s infertile. They tried IVF 3 times and it was unsuccessful.

So not only is he divorced, but also infertile. But his dad has an issue with my appearance.

OP posts:
HeIenaDove · 16/01/2020 02:02

Why is his sister divorced?

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 16/01/2020 02:03

I’m not entirely sure. Didn’t mingle well with the in-laws and they sent her back to the family home. It was an arranged marriage she wasn’t keen on.

She’s really lovely and I actually like her.

OP posts:
wheelywheelynice · 16/01/2020 02:44

He proposed on your birthday, like he's some kind of gift to you. Dump his sorry arse, you can do better.

custardbear · 16/01/2020 03:17

If his dad had big input into his first wife and sisters husband he doesn't exactly have a good track record of what's good for his kids - perhaps being your DPs best friend and soul mate should be a bit better regarded than the wrapping

He's an arsehole by the way

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 16/01/2020 03:20

I think he already knows he's "damaged goods" culturally, both divorced and unable to provide children, so he is chipping you down to make you feel grateful to have him. To keep you in your place.

Run.

ambereeree · 16/01/2020 03:52

Run away as fast you can. I'm also Asian with a divorced Asian man and it's too much hard work with constant comparisons. Plus your DP sounds really childish...if his dad really said that why did he even tell you?

ambereeree · 16/01/2020 03:53

If he and his sister are both divorced I'm sorry but sounds like his family interfere a lot.

ambereeree · 16/01/2020 03:56

I say the above from my experience of Asian families. No offence to people who are divorced.

NearlyGranny · 16/01/2020 04:20

Sorry, I know it hurts, but he did not need to tell you what his DF said - if he said it. Given that the older man has never even met you (is that right?) he's just spouting unpleasantness, isn't he? There was no need for your DP ever to share that with you.

I'd be inclined to tell DP to go off and 'fight for you' with his DF but keep anything nasty to himself. Suggest he gets in touch only if and when he has something pleasant and positive to report. In the meantime tell him you'll get on with being your cheerful, lovely self in company with the family and friends who cherish you while thinking long and hard about whether you even want to be part of such a car crash of a family!

You deserve to be welcome with open arms by a family who are delighted at the prospect of calling you their DiL.

Macake · 16/01/2020 04:24

Helenadove is right, learnt that the hard way myself. Took me years to have enough confidence to walk away.

Btw asian too and I know how superficial and misogynistic asian families can be. I got comments from DH family and i’m a lot larger than you. DH would never have told me but he also shut down any comments from uncles immediately and infront of the whole family. Thats a decent man, your fiance is definitely an arse. Leave it, it’s not worth it, he’ll erode your sense of self over time and this kinda bullshit won’t stop, you are already questioning yourself and feeling bad - you could end up feeling like this everyday for the rest of your life.

He sounds emotionally manipulative. He’s trying to make it sound like in other peoples eyes he’s too good for you and you should be grateful that he’s sticking by you. Total prick.

agonyauntie2020 · 16/01/2020 04:41

I'm guessing the dad is movie star handsome and a super catch?

12-14 is not fat OP but you know that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Are you going to have kids with your husband to be? Grandad might regret being so rude then...

HeronLanyon · 16/01/2020 04:44

Why on earth did your dp tell you what his stupid father said ? This alone would make me rethink my relationship with dp.

Cheeserton · 16/01/2020 04:49

Remember, like father... like son
What an absolute load of bollocks. Glad to say that my DH is fuck all like his stupid, useless father, and he's hardly unique in that fact...

MashedSpud · 16/01/2020 04:54

Do you want children?

If so maybe take his idiot father’s attitude as a sign.

Coughy4u · 16/01/2020 04:57

Your partner is an idiot to say that to you. I dont care that he dressed it up as telling you the real reason bolleaux.
Asian families tend to have no filter and tend to fat shame.
His son isn't exactly a catch.. i think it's best that you dump this one. The divorce is a lot more than ivf infertility.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 04:57

Why are people questioning whether divorce is part of their culture? It's not even relevant.

But, my friend is Muslim and she told me that divorce is completely ok in her religion and that you're allowed to remarry after (I think) 40 days. Same as when someone dies. There's a set mourning period and after that you're free to do what you like.

OP are your family as strict culturally as his?
Could you not just both step away from the 'norms' and do what you bloody like?

CodenameVillanelle · 16/01/2020 04:58

I know families are important and traditions are important, but is your fiancé, a fully grown adult man with an ex wife, really going to let his father stop him from marrying you? If that's actually possible, do you really want to be with him? He sounds weak.

Rubyupbeat · 16/01/2020 05:04

Even if you were hugely fat, and really ugly, what the heck gives him a right to be so unkind and rude. Sounds like he did a good job encouraging both their marriages, bearing in mind they are both divorced now!!
I really do understand about culture etc...but he just sounds unkind.
At least his mother and sister seem half decent.
Like someone else said, why doesn't future fil just piss off with his ex dil.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 16/01/2020 05:08

Sounds like marrying him means marrying into his family. So you have to ask yourself if you want to marry this family.

Also, if he is infertile it means no children, so make sure you are ok with that.

SaphfireRose · 16/01/2020 05:38

I don't understand why people are attacking the partner. Yes, he told her the reason, should he have lied? You realise she would have found out the reason eventually. There was absolutely no way around it. This is not side tiny secret she would never find out. This, is the reason his father won't meet hers regarding their marriage. It is the reason, how can it be kept from the bride? I would rather my partner told me the reason why, than his parents. I really don't get people on here sometimes. Confused