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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL thinks I’m too ugly and fat for his son.

219 replies

ims0rrydarlin · 15/01/2020 22:59

Just that really.

Was pretty upset about this. Doesn’t really want his Son to marry me because I’m not as attractive as his ex wife.

I’m a size 12-14. Always have looked after myself and considered myself Atleast average on a bad day.

We’re both Asian and families do like to meddle but this really threw me off.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 16/01/2020 08:08

Get your Dad to say 'my daughter doesn't want to marry him because his Dad is a misogynistic asshole with no taste'.

Seriously, don't make this man's intrusion your body image problem. The world is always out to criticise women but it's because we are powerful. It's like these men think they are god's when actually they are usually the least useful and least interesting person in the family And fwiw my otherwise lovely fil once told me 'When I met you I thought you were a bit dumpy and plain', no filter that man. I'm not dumpy and plain and I'm not defined by other people's view of my appearance I live for myself.

eaglejulesk · 16/01/2020 08:10

Your partner needs to tell his Dad to pull his head in. If he can't do that for you then I would think long and hard about marriage. Will you have to see much of your parents-in-law after you get married? If so that needs thinking about also.

olivertwistwantsmore · 16/01/2020 08:16

What a superficial, mysogynistic family this sounds. Why on Earth does your appearance have any relevance to whether you are a good fit for your partner?

I'd tell your partner that you and your parents have decided he and his family are not good enough for you: divorce in the family, infertile, rude and overbearing father. Then leave him.

He will never stand up to his father and his father will continue being interfering - it will not be good for your marriage.

Did you want kids? If so, you need to think carefully about staying with your p.

Coughy4u · 16/01/2020 08:19

He should have protected your feelings and faught for you right then when his dad said it or even when he asked for full length photo, how fucking creepy! He isnt going to fight, he cant he just doesnt have it in him. Thats why i think theres more with his divorce than ivf. Its good you found out who he and his family are like early on.

loobyloo1234 · 16/01/2020 08:24

I don't understand why your DP would tell you this. And why he hasn't punched his Dad's lights out if he did say it

I think you need to take a step back here OP. Like father like son when it comes to this misogynistic behaviour I feel sure of it

butterpuffed · 16/01/2020 08:28

If you and your fiance marry it doesn't bode well for the future. As he takes on board the nasty, spiteful comments from his father then he always will and sorry to say this but if the father is like this already it's not going to improve.
I think you need to think hard about this situation.

helberg · 16/01/2020 08:30

My partner told me this.
He shouldn't have done in my opinion because it was very hurtful.
My ex used to repeat things his family said about me. I told him to stop telling me and stop burdening me with these things.
I think we shouldn't repeat things to other people if they are likely to cause distress and I think that some people, ie. my ex, do this kind of thing deliberately as a way of getting at the other person.

Oh and because I wear makeup it means I’m ugly.
Who said this? The FIL?

I'd not be happy about this situation at all OP. With the above mentioned ex I was convinced that his family initially not liking me would improve as they got to know me. It just got worse and worse and became absolutely unbearable.

You should think carefully about this and also consider whether your DP is being a bit of a knob as well.

Ceebs85 · 16/01/2020 08:34

Your partner told you this for a reason. He wants to keep you in your place and thinking you've won some sort of prize by being with him or like he's doing you a favour because you're so much less attractive than his ex. There's probably good reason she's an ex. Get out!

He'll not make you happy in the long run, and I'd see this as a massive red flag

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 16/01/2020 08:42

Haven’t gone into work today as don’t feel upto it. Noticed flaws I didn’t notice before when I was getting ready this morning.

Just feel really let down by him. He’s always gone out of his way to make me feel like the only woman in the world and never gets tired of telling me how much I mean to him and how I complete him etc etc

He has recently renovated a property we would have been moving into. We’ve even started shopping for it.

And then this happens.

OP posts:
ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 16/01/2020 08:44

We had a lengthy conversation last night and I did ask why he told me. He stated he didn’t wanna lie to me and it had upset him so wanted to share it with me. He even cried a little.

The last 2 sentences are actually very telling in my experience. You’re the one who’s been offended and hurt and he’s so upset that instead of defending you he’s had to tell you about the insults instead. And then he’s cried which is a nice bit of emotional blackmail.

When you’re in the midst of emotional abuse you don’t really see it as that. It’s usually quite subtle, or seems to be. Once you’ve learnt the hard way and look back on it then it’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer Hmm

I hope you do walk away from his awful man and his dreadful father now. I know it’ll hurt, of course it will, but it will hurt so much more if you stay and are constantly humiliated by them.

MzHz · 16/01/2020 08:47

Incidentally @ims0rrydarlin have you told your parents about the fact that this bloke fires blanks?

How would they feel about you hitching your wagon to a divorced man who can’t have kids?

I’d go back to this woeful fiancé of yours and tell him that actually while you could always lose weight etc if you were so minded, that nothing changes the fact that he’s barren, already rejected by his first wife and has an awful father who clearly gets off on leering at the bodies of his son’s wives.

Tell him that actually your parents don’t want to meet his family as they don’t feel they’re good enough for you.

His “I’ll fight for you” line worries me. It’ll be the source of a lot of potential abuse in the future.

I do think he’s testing you as @helenadove says.

thebabessavedme · 16/01/2020 08:47

I would be very interested in speaking to the ex wife, I would guess she has quite a story to tell.

move on my love, find someone who deserves you Flowers

MzHz · 16/01/2020 08:48

I know all this has hurt you, but you’re dodging a bullet here!

Egghead68 · 16/01/2020 08:51

The man sounds very unkind. Don't marry him would be my advice.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 08:55

have you told your parents about the fact that this bloke fires blanks?
such a crude and unnecessary comment.

Partly because every single one of us are saying his father has no business getting involved and making decisions about their relationship.

Partly because you'd never say that to an infertile woman.

HairyString · 16/01/2020 08:56

I think your DP is a fair bit like his old man OP. This is your warning shot. Tell him thanks but no thanks, you hadn't realised how ugly they all were until they illustrated it themselves. Single is better than abuse for the next 50 years.

laudete · 16/01/2020 08:57

I think you are too kind and too pretty for that man's son. It is their loss and I agree that you should ditch him. I cannot believe that your parents would want you to aim so low. x

helberg · 16/01/2020 08:58

How would they feel about you hitching your wagon to a divorced man who can’t have kids?

Maybe the OP doesn't want kids? I've never wanted children and would therefore not be bothered about whether a man was infertile or not.
Hopefully the DP hasn't somehow persuaded the OP that she doesn't really want kid and therefore it doesn't matter if he's infertile. If the OP is absolutely certain that she doesn't want children for her own reasons then that's different.

If I was the OP's Mum or Dad I'd be very concerned about her getting involved with this family where the FIL is already speaking about her in an entirely inappropriate manner and would be worried about how much emotional abuse she was going to have to put up with over the years.
Don't like the DP telling her what FIL said and then him crying and expecting to be comforted. My ex did this all the time. It was part of his way of keeping me where I wanted - making me feel sorry for HIM when it was me who had been insulted. And I also came to the realization that not all of the things he said other people were saying about me had come from other people - some of them were things he thought.

msmith501 · 16/01/2020 08:58

He may fight for you know but this doesn't auger well for the future. His father will continue to drip comments into your partner's ear and over time his family will be convinced to think the same of you. I think you will come to regret deciding to marry this man. Find someone who truly has your back, whose parents love you like a daughter and someone who makes you feel better with them than alone.

loobyloo1234 · 16/01/2020 09:00

that nothing changes the fact that he’s barren

WTF - this is completely unnecessary and not related to what the OP is asking

YasssKween · 16/01/2020 09:00

Some of the comments about here about infertility are really, really fucking nasty. They would never be said about a woman and rightly so.

I agree that it was cruel of him to tell you this especially as it's something you can't change, he didn't even just say weight (which you shouldn't have to change anyway!) he also mentioned your face. Awful.

So sorry to hear that this morning you feel you've noticed flaws you haven't seen before. That's just your confusion about the situation talking - those flaws are bullshit and you are exactly who you were before you were told this. Poor you Thanks

YasssKween · 16/01/2020 09:02

@loobyloo1234

I agree, I can't believe the nasty comments people are making about infertility it's actually been quite upsetting to read. I'm really shocked to have read some of them, Jesus Christ.

Tatiannatomasina · 16/01/2020 09:04

I would ask for a personal apology from his father, with an audience, I would then turn down the proposal and go and find someone that treasured me. If he is like this before marriage you have no chance. What a rude, selfish, uncaring man. He obviously doesnt give a shit if his son is happy or not, he's all about superficiality. His son comes with baggage, you accepted that and wanted to welcome him into your family, how dare he snipe at you for your looks, I bet you are lovely. Thinks he can do better? Good luck!!!

Fannia · 16/01/2020 09:07

Haven’t gone into work today as don’t feel upto it. Noticed flaws I didn’t notice before when I was getting ready this morning

I would say this is a bad sign and you need to step back and think things over about the marriage. Do you really want to marry into a family where a lot of authority and respect is given to someone who is so unpleasant and ignorant?
At the same time dont let someone else's opinion bother you this way. Looks are a very superficial thing to judge someone on, do you really want to give headspace to someone that shallow and let them ruin your day? Don't buy into this small minded outlook. If it starts to intrude then remind yourself of your own values and ask if this is really true to what you believe.

SaphfireRose · 16/01/2020 09:14

Because he didn’t stick up fo her to his father

How do we know he didn't? Just because he chose to be honest with her, does not mean he didn't stick up for her.

I do wonder what the people on here who think he was wrong to be honest with his fiance' would have him do. Continue with the relationship with her with her not knowing why his father won't meet her father - because no one has told her why! You can't hide that sort of thing forever, unless they eloped and never saw or spoke to any of his family or friends ever again. Expecting her to be kept in the dark like this and lied to - even if by omission - is absolutely bizarre.

I am glad others mentioned it because the attacks on the man for being a divorcee (big deal!) and infertile (as if he asked to be made infertile?) are absolutely disgraceful. Being divorced is very common these days and doesn't say anything about the person. Unless one is suggesting that a single mum who is divorced 'obviously has something wrong with her because she is divorced'. You don't know anything about him. How would you react to a man who came on here and said his fiance' was divorced and infertile? I would think you would say to him that neither make her a bad person. So why are people attacking him for being divorced and infertile?

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