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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL thinks I’m too ugly and fat for his son.

219 replies

ims0rrydarlin · 15/01/2020 22:59

Just that really.

Was pretty upset about this. Doesn’t really want his Son to marry me because I’m not as attractive as his ex wife.

I’m a size 12-14. Always have looked after myself and considered myself Atleast average on a bad day.

We’re both Asian and families do like to meddle but this really threw me off.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 16/01/2020 06:03

I don't understand why people are attacking the partner.

Because he didn’t stick up fo her to his father and instead of saying - “Dad, that’s ridiculous. She’s fantastic and gorgeous and perfect for me. I’m getting married, do you want to be the father of the groom or do you want to be a dick and sit here at home while I’m getting married?” He’s told the OP that they need to try and convince his dad that she’s okay. Which is not what a decent partner that someone should want to married to would do.

HeronLanyon · 16/01/2020 06:07

Well I am one who thinks the dp is at fault.
The only way that convo could have gone and I’d have been ok with it, it would have had to include an apology and a very straightforward ‘i am not
Contacting them I am so shocked - lets elope’ type sentiment. I would then just think it was all so messed up and blind to cause problems in the future that I would probably decide I’d had enough.
That’s why just telling her and ‘fighting for her’ just feels doomed.

Hagbeth · 16/01/2020 06:17

I married into an Asian family ((I’m Scandinavian) and my husband would have told them where to go and have done so during the years. If your husband doesn’t stand up for you there is no chance. Don’t do it.

JudgeRindersMinder · 16/01/2020 06:21

I know some people will dismiss this as woo etc, but your partner’s infertility could be seen as being for a reason-to stop this genetic line from continuing, for what sounds like a good reason....

You’re worth so much more than what life with this man would be, but a I think you know that

Beautiful3 · 16/01/2020 06:24

That's awful op. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Move on. Meet someone better with nicer parents, because you can. I wish you all the best.

Tellmetruth4 · 16/01/2020 06:26

The family sounds awful. If you marry him you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life. The FIL is a massive misogynist too. Any money he’ll expect you to be running him to appointments and doing all kinds of domestic shit when he gets old because you don’t have kids.

OhTheRoses · 16/01/2020 06:29

The family sound dysfynctional and the father's a sexist bigot. Yr partner's modus operandi will have been shaped by them unless he has a mind of his own and goes nc. What made his first marriage break down? To be fair is he a bit of a twit? If his father was always going to be the final arbiter, why didn't he clear it before he asked you?

I have a ds and I want him to settle down with a young woman who is sensible, kind, grounded, from a stable and loving background, who is his intellectual equal, etc.

Newmumma83 · 16/01/2020 06:31

@ims0rrydarlin
*
I always thought I was attractive, very fashion forward and my partner has never complained. But he should have defended me.

That is the truth ... if he isn’t fighting your corner now ... what’s he going to do in 10 years time after potential kids and you have perhaps gained a couple of pounds or perhaps looking tired due to sleep deprivation... is that ground for divorce in their family ., what if more important issues crop up? .. they sound extremely shallow and I would re consider him as a potential life longer partner... your meant to be a team and have each other’s backs

Fr0g · 16/01/2020 06:32

So his father approved (or arranged?) the first marriage? - that went really well,

How old is this man that he is so concerned about Daddy's approval, and has complete lack of judgement to care/listen/repeat to what the judgemental twatty misogynist thinks?
Run - lucky escape

Coughy4u · 16/01/2020 06:35

Your partner may have made this up to take you down a notch or 2. He is aware his infertility and divorce is a negative in traditional asian cultures. And he is trying to show you that look, my dad doesnt think you're worthy but i'm fighting for you so you must do the same when your parents or family criticises my suitability.
Manuplative.

Brefugee · 16/01/2020 06:42

Blimey, that's rough. OP, correct me if I'm wrong but in your culture won't you, as the DIL, have to take responsibility for your PIL when they are old/infirm? Because your FIL isn't really angling for good treatment here, if you go ahead and marry your partner.

(also poor sister, that must really hurt)

It seems refreshingly honest of your fiancé to tall you but is this his way of giving you a way out? I'd really think long and hard about marrying into a family with a patriarch like that.

Thehop · 16/01/2020 06:48

He knows he’s not a good prospect. Divorced and infertile.....in his culture that makes him a bad prospect indeed. He’s trying to make you feel like shit so you feel he’s better than you.

Please leave this shit show now while you have chance. All he can give you is a future of judgement meddling and backstabbing......without any chance of children. Are you okay with that?

BetteDavisthighs · 16/01/2020 06:59

I am Indian. Please don't marry this man. Your life will not be your own. If this is what it's like before the wedding, he is going to be a controlling jerk afterwards.

I did not have an arranged marriage myself, and I married someone who left home at 16, whose parents have no say in his life. We are all on good terms,- in fact they are visiting right now-but no way do they get to comment like your FIL did. Set your boundaries now.You deserve better.

BetteDavisthighs · 16/01/2020 07:03

May I also add that being Indian, I do understand that families have a big say. BUT not this big a say. Indian families have moved on a lot back in the homeland; I don't know any women who would accept this kind of fat shaming and manipulation.

Agree with whoever said that they want to judge how docile you are, before graciously allowing you marry their laadla baccha.

Hanab · 16/01/2020 07:05

Ask yourself if all this is worth it?
What is HE bringing to the table?

He is a divorcé who has fertility issues.. real catch yeah! (Sarcasm) you know if he was a woman in the asian culture he would be looked down upon amongst other things..

Are you marrying him or his dad?
Why is his dad so invested in what his wife or wife to be looks like?

If no grandbabies pop out are they going to tell all and sundry that it is his ‘big’ wife that is the problem or will they be honest and say it is their son?

He did things his dads way the first time .. it obviously did not work out .. why can’t he make his own choice now? Are they going to be controlling in other aspects of your lives? Is your significant other going to agree with something with you and then come back and say oh sorry my dad does not approve.. or you know OP my dad does not think we should do such and such?

If he really wants to build a life with you he will do all that he can to achieve this whilst still maintaining a respectful relationship with his dad but just being a man and standing his ground for what he wants.

PicsInRed · 16/01/2020 07:07

He said he needs to convince his dad about me. Not sure how he’s going to convince his dad to approve of my face and body.

Well, you're going to become rake thin like your intended SIL and stop wearing any makeup, aren't you? That's why partner has told you - if this conversation with his father even took place.

Don't marry this man. Hell either allow you to be abused by his father (and inevitably the entire family "system"), or abuse you himself or more likely both.

I had a report from my exh about comments by his mother in the early days. I should have run away, but didn't, I naively thought love was enough. I was eventually bullied terribly by almost his entire family, who had devalued me to a terrifying extent.

Please don't marry this man.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/01/2020 07:09

So his father approved (or arranged?) the first marriage? - that went really well which broke down in main part because the man was infertile . His Father could hardly be responsible for that ?

hagenmeister · 16/01/2020 07:11

Run OP. I suspect in any future argument this will be used against you. Also, you're listing the reasons why he isn't such a catch in defense of yourself - that's not a good start. I'd be tempted to say 'my Dad refuses to meet yours because he's a prick!'

Scarsthelot · 16/01/2020 07:13

My step mil asked me why i was with with her step son. I was far too attractive for him and earnestly more. My reaction was to tell hee to fuck off and next time she wondered why hee 2 step kids dont like her, she needs to remember this converstation and it will answer her question for her.

OP, he may stand up to his dad now he has been forced. But everytime you do anything this will happen. When you are nattied it will become worse

Tellmetruth4 · 16/01/2020 07:26

I remember dating a man of Indian heritage who told me after about 4 dates that his sisters and mother were ‘concerned‘ because I wasn’t Asian.

He didn’t tell me if he’d stuck up for me and didn’t seem that ashamed of them like it was normal of them to be so rude about someone they’d never met. I didn’t return for a 5th date. Why would I want to get tangled up with a family who cared more about the fact I wasn’t Indian than whether I made their son happy? And why would I stay with a man who felt comfortable telling me this in a way which made me feel that it was down to me to make efforts to lessen their ‘concerns’?

OP run and don’t look back, it’s not for you to change yourself because this family have a mistaken belief they’re superior. You partner is also trying to find something to make you feel insecure because he feels insecure about being divorced and infertile. I also guarantee the FIL will blame you for not providing grandchildren too.

Els1e · 16/01/2020 07:29

This is an ugly pair of men. This would be a red flag for me and I have nothing further to do with them. You deserve better. Your bf is emotionally screwed and weak. You will constantly have to be doing things to prop him up. Really consider if this is what you want.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/01/2020 07:40

I know you are hurt and humiliated now - but honestly, this is a blessing! You have dodged a bullet.

For an adult man to be so under his father's thumb that he would consider his father's opinion of your appearance to be a deal-breaker is ridiculous!

Don't wait for him to get back to you. Take the initiative and tell him not to bother "fighting for you" (the time for that was when his father made the comment) because you don't want to marry into a family which is so pathetically shallow and spiteful.

And remind yourself that you weren't falling in love with this man - you were falling in love with the man you thought he was.

You know him better now, and he's not worthy of you.

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 16/01/2020 07:50

I do believe his Dad said this because I remember he would always ask him for ‘full length’ photos. I’ve even seen messages asking for photos and I know they have argued previously because I wasn’t comfortable with my photos being broadcasted to be judged.

I just feel really awful this morning. Didn’t go to bed until 3 and now I’m up for work.

We had a lengthy conversation last night and I did ask why he told me. He stated he didn’t wanna lie to me and it had upset him so wanted to share it with me. He even cried a little.

I’m going to ask for some space and determine what I wanna do.

OP posts:
NoodlesMcGee · 16/01/2020 07:50

OP - agree with other posters. Run and do not look back.

Yes, you are not marrying your FIL or in-law family, but they are still family. Can you really enter into marriage knowing how sour this start is?

Remember also, culturally, your DH will likely be a "little prince" and can do no wrong in the eyes of his family (despite being a divorcee, infertile etc). You will be fighting an uphill battle trying to get them to love you. Also, your DH needs to grow a backbone. It's likely that he will end up resenting you if his Dad does not come around and you do not want this thrown back in your face in the future (eg "I should have listened to my Dad when he said not to marry you etc").

Run and don't look back.

EntropyRising · 16/01/2020 08:05

Jeez, I do realise that there's some measure of respect to be paid to your cultural traditions but you are not chattel. This entire arrangement is repulsive in the extreme.

Please tell him to fuck off.