AIBU with regard to giving lifts...

[Whiskeychaser]

Hi, sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed.

My dd and her friend, both 14 years olds, go to a club every Friday after school. My dd decided to attend this club and after about 6 weeks her friend wanted to try it out, but because her mum doesn't drive, and because it's quite far away, (about 1hr 30min walking through some not great areas) the only way she can really attend is if I drive her.

I was happy to do this as I'm taking my dd anyway, they're friends and it's a nice thing to do and so I have been doing this for almost 2 years now.

I am friends with the mum too, although we don't see that much of each other anymore as she changed jobs a year ago, and now works much longer hours.

Unfortunately, Friday has become a really busy day for me over the last year, as although I'm a sahm, I have many commitments on my time, and Friday is one that is fixed, and I can't get out of, so I'm generally not home until 5pm.

Club is 18-25 mins away by car due to traffic at that time, and club starts at 6.30pm and goes on until 8pm.

We would need to leave from my house at 6pm in order to allow enough time for the traffic jams we usually encounter.

They live about 1.5 mile away by car, but in the opposite driving direction to the club.
Walking distance is much less though as there is a short cut they can use, which would take them less than 10 minutes, and even the long way around (0.8 miles) would only take them 15 minutes according to Google.

Due to traffic at that time it's a 15 minute detour to pick them up from their house, so this means I have to leave my house at 5.45pm at the latest in order to have enough time to drive to the club.

I'm finding it increasingly stressful to get dinner, etc, sorted within the 30-40 minute time frame this realistically leaves me.

As a consequence, I'm often running a bit late leaving my house, so I may be a maximum of 10 minutes late picking them up, which leaves me even more stressed and rushing to get to the club on time, as I prefer to be there 5 minutes early.

For example, two weeks ago I picked them up (mum came that week) 10 minutes late and parked up at the club dead on 6pm, which realistically meant they were 2-3 minutes late for it by the time they entered the hall.

Over the last 2 years they've only been actually late to class a maximum of 4 times (twice in the last 12 months), but the stress I'm feeling rushing around, or cutting my stuff short in order to not be late for them is really getting to me.

I would say I'm late picking her/them up probably 4 out of every 6 times.

This varies from being a minute late picking them up to a maximum of 10 minutes late and probably averages 4 minutes, and although this only rarely results in them being late for the actual club, it stresses me out nevertheless.

If I'm not outside their house by 5.45pm, I immediately start getting texts asking where I am, which I obviously can't answer as I'm driving, and anyway stopping to reply would just make me even later! Hearing the texts pinging also stresses me out even more.

Seven or eight times over the summer, she walked up to us for short before 6pm, so that we could leave my house at 6pm and I found that so much less stressful.
I know it doesn't sound like much but that extra 15 minutes made all the difference for me. I was much less stressed and we always got there 5 minutes early every time.

Since the weather has got colder and darker, I've been picking her up from her house, and it's just not working for me, and I feel really guilty when I'm picking them up late, so I thought I'd take a leaf out of the MNer book and let them know I was having a problem. I really didn't expect there to be an issue.

In the spirit of this, I sent the mum a text yesterday afternoon and asked her to get her dd to walk up to ours for 5pm on Friday (thinking about when it gets dark), instead of me driving to get her for 5.45pm.

My dd got a text back from the dd almost immediately saying: it's fine they'd rather wait for me to pick them up as it gives them more time at home, and that they'd see me then (turns out mum is coming along too).

I then texted the mum back again saying that that didn't suit me, being late is stressing me out and I'd rather she/they walked here as I also need that extra time myself.
Mum texted me again and said she's coming on Friday too so we can catch up, but that she really doesn't want to walk to me as it is 'miserable weather' outside now, and she prefers to leave home as late as possible.
I texted back and said they didn't need to be here until 6pm then, but that I would like them to come to me in future, as it makes my life easier.

I had no reply to that text, which I sent around 8pm yesterday, until this morning when I had a text saying: 'it's not on, it's really cold and wet now and it will be dark, I'm driving anyway so it makes no difference to me, and is much easier for me, but will put them out, and so I should just pick them up as usual'.

I really don't want to fall out with the mum or cause issues for my dd, as the dd can be quite moody, but I'm pretty hurt that the mum can't see it from my point of view, especially considering I've never before asked for anything in return.

I know the mum works really long hours, and I know she worries about her dd walking in the dark, (even though she's allowed to go out in the dark at other times), but at the end of the day I'm doing them both a favour, and I've never asked for any contribution or anything in return (& wouldn't as I'm going there anyway). Even when the mum comes we take it in turns to buy a coffee, and I wouldn't expect her to pay for mine anyway (that's not why I'm helping them out).
I'm doing it because they're/we're friends, it helps them and is a nice thing to do plus we're going there anyway.

I also always drop them off at their house; I just wanted that bit of breathing space before the club.

AIBU to have asked them to come to me, and how do I handle it now?

I know what I want to say, which isn't printable, but I don't want to say something I'll later regret, and I really don't want to fall out over this, but I also don't want to be a doormat (my New Year's resolution is to be less of a people pleaser).

I've always been a people pleaser and hate saying no, so now I'm wondering if it was petty of me to expect them to come to me.

Just seen the dog update.

Going to go ahead and speak for everyone here and say: we're not at all surprised she has 'no one else' to do a favour for her like this. This speaks volumes to her character. Not even a co-worker from her incredibly arduous job which leaves her unable to walk 15 minutes at the end of the week? So surprising!

Letter?! Seriously.
What's the difference between a letter and a text.
Except the 2-3 business days it could take to arrive.

Please try to calm yourself. She might be shouting and screaming and manipulating etc and it's horrible to be on the end of it, but if you really want to put a good example to your DD then you need to just let it wash over you. It's just noise and hot air.

You have been reasonable in your request and that's all you can do. She's an adult. Let her work it out.

If she CHOOSES to burn the friendship then that's her call. And actually do you even want to be her friend when you see how she behaves when something doesn't go her way? I wouldn't. I would have lost respect by now.

Forget about the dog, that will work itself out as this all this unfolds.

I wouldn't have any more comms with her. She is an ADULT and is capable to contacting you directly if she wants to.

Stop trying to manage the situation into one which is more comfortable for you. Let her crash and burn. These things happen for a reason. A real friend would not want you to be running yourself ragged in order to facilitate them, they would offer to help out however they could. You are just facing the cold truth now and it's unpleasant, but you can survive it

The other mum is crazy. This isn’t normal behavior. If I were you, I’d just step away from it all and leave it. Keep reiterating to the girl that you’re happy to take her to club if she’s at yours by 6pm, but it’s up to her mum. I really don’t see what else you can do.

Just leave it now, tell your daughter to take no notice of the bullshit with CF's DD and laugh about the situation. Take her to her club on Friday and enjoy the weekend knowing that you only have to worry about your own DD now.

I did think the obvious solution for Cf was to pay for a taxi from hers to yours though 🤷‍♀️

I think we can assume that the reason this woman is behaving like this is because she ”WORKS!”

I’ve been the working single parent, I know how hard life is to juggle but despite not being particularly superhuman and with no family at all to help, I managed

I always helped anyone if I could, and this meant that if I needed help I felt I could ask, and It worked both ways.

You need to stop doing this by text.

I know what you’ve said about why that seems easier for you, but it all it does is delay the response from her and string out the stress and hassle and bother, and - crucially - it allows her to control the situation by giving her time to come up with plans to manipulate things by playing people off against each other and craft messages that are designed to get you to tie yourself up in knots.

She’s playing you and your daughter for fools in order to facilitate a dependable relationship for her needy daughter and to get favours from a people pleaser.

She is not your friend.

Stop this relationship now.

Give your daughter permission to stop being this girl’s friend, if that’s what she wants.

Tell this woman, on the phone or in person, that you have been doing favours for her for years. Your time is equally as important as hers. It is clear that she does not value your time and is not grateful for what you’ve been doing. Her behaviour over the last week of roping her daughter to manipulate your daughter is not acceptable; she has now crossed a line. You can no longer continue to provide any services for her due to her unreasonable and selfish behaviour. Walk away. Don’t allow her to speak. Don’t get into a discussion or a conversation. Make your statement and then go.

She’s been taking the piss for years.

Let the scales fall from your eyes.

Stand up for yourself. No one else will.

Also... when my childminder went rogue, a fellow working single mum said my dc could go to hers after school for the remainder of the term (a week or so) I was absolutely amazed and so grateful! I took her a box of chocs and a bottle of wine to say thanks!

I wouldn't engage at all. From what you've said it seems like your daughter would be much better off if the friend stops going to the club (and even better if the friendship dies off altogether).

If CF wants to discuss the new arrangements further then the onus is on her to contact you directly like a grown up. You've already made your position clear.

How about:
Fuck off to the far end of Fuck. Collect your own dd and your own ddog and fuck off some more..
And block her.
The friendship is dead in the water.

If you have to text mine would say, “Dd says XXXX is going to drop CLUB now so I’ll assume she doesn’t need a lift home unless you tell me otherwise”

I workshy contact the mother unless she contacts you directly.
She needs to get the message that it's not okay for her to go through your daughters, she needs to talk to you herself. If you respond to her then you're playing her game. Unless of course your message is along the lines of "no more lifts from me"

I can see why she resents forking out £15 for a taxi to the venue, but surely a taxi to your house getting her DD there on time with no walking in the dark, would not cost anything like that.

The sad thing is that nice people (people pleasers) try so hard to resolve conflict with others nicely but when they’re cfs it never gets resolved with grace etc, It ALWAYS blows up in the face of the poor bugger who’s been trying to make it all work for ages/years and it leaves an awful taste in the mouth.

Such a shame.

And you know this is no longer about the lifts, don't you? This is now about her exerting control, and letting you know that you don't get to make the decision. You asked permission last week to change your arrangement with the lifts, she said no, you went ahead anyway, and she's now letting you know that she won't accept you making decisions for yourself. But rather than talking to you herself, she's using her daughter to bully you and your daughter by proxy.

You really must stand up for yourself.

Maybe text her and tell her you don't appreciate the emotional blackmail through your dd. Explain how you've been doing her a favour and all you're doing is asking for a small concession from them with her dd walking to you. Tell her it's all getting childish and ridiculous and if she can't see that you're helping her out, then maybe the lifts, both there and back, will be stopping as you don't want the negativity and stress in your life. Doesn't sound like your dd will be missing out much on the friendship either tbh x

I agree with @Kimbishop86, far more constructive than my “ahhh fuck it...” approach

Been following this since the beginning. I wouldn't go with a nice text. I probably wouldn't even go with a text, I'd turn up at hers when you know she's going to be in, and say it like it is: "I have been giving you and your daughter lifts and favours for years now, lately life has changed and I needed a little bit of help so I could continue helping you and your daughter out but you went over the top and have tried to make a point by cutting off your nose to spite your face. I don't care whether your daughter goes to the club or not, or how she gets there in the future, but by bringing my daughter into this, and making her upset and feel guilty you've totally fucked it for yourself. Any favours I've already committed to I've decided not to do, as it simply doesn't work for me" It could work as a text but I think the tone and the confrontation would make her take a step back, she wouldn't back down but she'd be surprised by the sudden standing up for yourself in person if you've always kind of laid down and done whatever for her before without questions

@Whiskeychaser : I've already agreed to look after the dog. It's Friday to Monday and they don't have family/ anyone else nearby.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE.

Really don't know what to do for the best
1 - bring the form teacher up to speed on the situation in case it spills over into their day to day school life.
2 - text the CF Mother and tell her the following:
"My offer last week to bring your DD to Club on Friday if she walks to my home no longer suits. My offer to mind your dog in March no longer suits. My offer to have your parcels and packages delivered to my home no longer suits. Find someone else who can be your unpaid personal assistant. Your problems are no longer mine to resolve. Sort yourself out and don't involve my daughter in the process."

OP, deep breath.

Please don't send a text that the child can come earlier.
Your DD doesn't want this.

This woman is just awful.
A nasty, nasty bully.

You do not need someone like this in your life.

Support your DD, by being strong.
Tell her to say " sorry that's your mum's decision". And repeat.
Tell her not to get into any discussion about it.

Truthfully I wouldn't want such an person or daughter near me.

She is a nasty piece of work.

A user.
Manipulator.
A CF.

She doesn't care about anything or anyone.

She just wants you to bend.

This relationship is over OP for you, if you have even an ounce of self respect.

I wouldn't dream of taking someone's dog that behaved like this.

Do Not Contact Her.

She is waiting for you to bend.

Your daughter needs you to be strong.

You will hate yourself if you capitulate to this bully.

Tell this woman, on the phone or in person, that you have been doing favours for her for years. Your time is equally as important as hers. It is clear that she does not value your time and is not grateful for what you’ve been doing. Her behaviour over the last week of roping her daughter to manipulate your daughter is not acceptable; she has now crossed a line. You can no longer continue to provide any services for her due to her unreasonable and selfish behaviour. Walk away. Don’t allow her to speak. Don’t get into a discussion or a conversation. Make your statement and then go.

This^
To be honest I'd do that by text copying out that and ending at selfish behaviour but i would replace 'services' by 'huge favours' and then I'd block her.

I'd also tell your DD to cut this DD friend and reply that 'my mum has been so kind to you driving you to and from club for two years. She can't pick you up anymore and this is unfair of your mum to behave like this. I don't want to hear what your mum thinks , she's wrong and ungrateful'

@WillLokireturn

Yea, texting the above is good.

Also a good response for your DD.

This is a part of life sometimes.

You can't allow bullys to win.

Things have really kicked off 😔