To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

Bloody hell, a bunch of bitchy women excluding a child!! So what if his mums a bit ott, invite him and include him..poor child has done nothing wrong..wtaf???

It's a long time since my DC had playdates, but I do remember how important they are to little ones. So I would think about the little boy who isn't being invited to his friends' homes when he must know that they're all going to each other's.

What you said to the mother sounds ok to me, but couldn't you go back to her and talk to her more gently? Tell her that most parents don't run home inspections before playdates (because, surely, most parents don't). That the very idea will make other parents feel uncomfortable and - unfortunately - it means that her DS is really missing out. That your house is most probably less tidy than hers, but your DS couldn't be more welcome to join the fun.

At best, you'll help her DS to a string of new playdates. At worst, she'll flatly reject your offer, but at least you will have tried.

I'd not be happy with my young dc going to a house I hadn't been to either, at least by himself - but from a safety reason. Are there dogs/other animals? Is it safe? hygienic?

Maybe she just worded things badly. Or maybe she has OCD or similar. Who knows?

You could have had a conversation about it when your son said "can bob come to our house for tea mommy?” and when your friend said, “Not tonight Bob, mommy hasn’t seen the house yet so I can’t let you go there, you know that.”

I'd have said, 'Ah yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. It hurts me when you don't trust me to look after Bob as we have known each other for 18 months. It feel like you are judging me' and seen where that took you.

I've read the OP's posts and she hasn't changed her story once so I'm trying to understand where a comment like "The more you write, the more the actual truth - as opposed to your version - comes out"
She has said that they are 'friends' but only through their children in school.
She has said that MM (Materialistic Mum) had visited the home of another parent and decided based on the stains on the carpet and that the bathroom floor hadn't seen a mop in a long while and it was based on that judgement by MM, MM declined to send her son to this house (and by the sounds of it any house that she hasn't first inspected).
OP decided that she doesn't want to have MM inspect her house and it should be based on how well MM and OP know each other and how their kids interact with each other whether they should play together.

So far the story hasn't changed since the opening post.

I do wonder if MM looks and inspects play centres or wherever they go out and socialise with the kids to the same level but it would be interesting to know. I also feel sorry for Son of MM.

She would have a fit if she looked round my house 😂 who needs that kind of stress in their lives? A cursory look in the living room to ensure no chemicals, beer cans, filth on every surface fine. Stains on carpets? Nope. Weird and very judgmental. Imagine if she told the other parents your loo smelt of wee? Who needs that?

I am amazed at all these posters who claim to happily drop a 5 year old and leave them for a few hours in a house they have never set foot in.

Absolute BS.

Has there been any discussion in your group about this ? Ie the fact that you all do not invite her son for playdates ? It does sound as if you may all be ganging up on her .

If you had just invited her son , what would have been the likely scenario ? She did a pre playdate visit to assess ? Unlikely .....Or she just turned up to drop son off and came in ? She would take him away if she didnt like what she saw ? Unlikely...

Obviously you have burnt those bridges now.

I think as she is so set on inspecting play dates houses you quite rightly feel uncomfortable. You've not gone behind her back, you've been clear as have the other mums. You've done nothing wrong.

It's her son I feel sorry for. It's a bit of over zealous parenting. And making judgments about others, voicing (gossiping) it then trying to do the same to you is just wrong. You are protecting yourself from gossip.

Her rules, her self inflicted problem, not yours. I think her reaction made you feel uncomfortable but you were right to call her out on it.

Good for you for explaining your feelings. However I would probably do the same as her but not say it out loud for sake of hurting someone's feelings. I won't go to many school drop offs when my kids go to school so wouldn't have the opportunity to get to know other parents at the school gates. For at least the first playdate I would want to tag along to check that the parents house wasn't a total tip, normal household mess and clutter would be fine but if the house stunk of animal pee or was dirty I wouldn't want my kids to spend time there. I fully expect that other parents would do this to me too! I would also like to use the chance to get an idea of the parents attitudes towards different things.

Has there been any discussion in your group about this ? Ie the fact that you all do not invite her son for playdates ? It does sound as if you may all be ganging up on her.

We do talk about it because we all say that we feel bad about not inviting the other boy. Thankfully though, the boys all see each other a lot outside of school anyway due to the activities they do together, and when we go on day’s out as a group, so he’s still a main character in the friendship group. It just means he doesn’t come to any play dates in the homes which is a shame but if the mother isn’t comfortable with her son coming to our homes without looking around them first then there’s not much we can do about it.

but if the mother isn’t comfortable with her son coming to our homes without looking around them first then there’s not much we can do about it.

You say you all get on. She’s never been over for a coffee?

I just find it so odd you won't let her in. Are you hiding something?!

I get you don't want her 'inspecting' or judging but you clearly aren't really her friend or don't actually like her if you think that.

I totally see where you're coming from but I really feel for her little boy. To have all four of the other boys over in the next two weeks but not have him over could be perceived as pretty brutal. It's certainly not a subtle thing to do.

My son was the one who was always left out - not because of me (I hope!!) but because of his disabilities - and bloody hell it hurt. It hurt me, but most importantly it hurt him.

This poor little chap is only 5 and presumably wouldn't understand why the other boys are all going over to your house and he hasn't been invited.

I have never inspected someone's house prior to a playdate with my own children nor my grandchildren who live with me. But I would not let any of them go to a sleepover or to stay with a family I did not know. My grandsons don't seem to get this at all and regularly ask if they can stay over at random mates which I do not allow. They ask me to ring the parents, but what am I meant to say, sort of interview them for suitability. The rule is if I don't know them, then do not ask.

We all have different standards for housekeeping. I like my house tidy but am a bit OCD. My dd1's is always messy, but her kid's friends come and play and stop and enjoy themselves.

I think your friend is angry because she has messed up by being so judgy and materialistic. It has backfired on her and she is upset because it is affecting her son. He is the one I am really sorry for here. It is one that is going to be hard to put right.

YANBU. And you are not "punishing" the other child because of the mother. Her behaviour is her own fault and you have no duty to accomodate a terrible woman in your home just so her son can play with yours. Fuck that.

They're 5. They'll have new friends soon. Don't make your life harder and put up with shitty behaviour for a playdate.

I wonder what her inspection of your house would include. A check of all your living rooms, bathroom, bedrooms too ? What about your kitchen cupboards and bedroom furniture ? Would she check that your furniture was up to scratch and you had all the must have brands?

I think one friend of my DD2 (now 7) didn't ever allow her DD to have a play date at our house or invite her round because she didn't like me. We never even knew each other but my DD told me that her friend told her that her mum said I was fat. (True, I'm overweight but in a yo-yo kind of way, because I have MH issues.). But my DDs are definitely not overweight.

It was disappointing for both of them because they kept wanting to invite each other. But in the end they stopped being friends and made other friends instead. So it didn't matter long-term at all.

This does sound a bit like you're bitching about this mum and excluding her DS, which is unkind. But it's also the case that she's her own worst enemy, and her DS is missing out because of it.

In fact, you don't have to like the mum, it's the boys who are friends after all.

At first I thought good on you for telling her straight but as I’ve read the thread, I think it is a mean thing to exclude her little boy. You could have invited them all round and she could have chosen for him not to come but you never gave it the chance. You decided she’d be judge before you gave her the chance not to be.

I just find it so odd you won't let her in. Are you hiding something?!

Only a few dead bodies in the dining room

When she first invited me and my son around her house she gave me a tour of every room in the house. I was so, so uncomfortable as she showed me round the bathroom and her bedroom and it just felt so intrusive.

But maybe this giving, and expected receiving, of household tours is actually normal for her?!

Anyhow - I’m off to go and visit my mom now, thanks to everyone for your responses and I look forward to reading some more tonight.

Wish me luck at school pick-up

If these friendship groups (adult and child) are going to survive you need to talk to this woman again. You describe her as nice and call her a friend so it would be mean to leave it here. And the entire issue is sad for her little boy.

Yes, she comes across as being a bit judgemental but to me, also needy and insecure. She needs to have a perfect home and maybe equates that as being safe and a good parent. However, she clearly likes you and considers you as being fine. She’s also aware her child is missing out.

I would go for a coffee together and work through this. She doesn’t understand what she’s done wrong. When she told you that she probably thought she was being responsible rather than judgement and in some respects she was.

Don’t let this fester. She probably feels awful right now.

I think it’s awful you have all bitched about this mum who you are supposed to be friends with and not invited her son to your homes simply because she wants to come in to check the environment is safe for her child. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, I think it’s very sensible and I would do the same.

I guess I though that after 18 months of us knowing each other she would be happy enough for her son to come over for tea, so I was hurt when she made it clear she wasn’t allowing him to do it until she had been in my house first
You have taken what she said much to personally.

She didn't say in any way she wanted to inspect your house, she said she liked to ensure the places her son's go to are acceptable because of a bad experience she's had.

She didn't say 'oh yes, I don't have an issue with Ben going to X, Y and Z house without me having been there first, but you, I don't know, you look like your house would be a pit, so I would want to see yours'.

She's made it a rule for herself to reassure herself that her son is safe. Yet you are making her to be an arrogant full of herself mother who only wants to see people's house to make up that it's not as nice as hers and getting pleasure from it, and that's ridiculous.

Even if that's what she was doing, excluding her son because of it is just nasty. You are judging her just as much as you think she is judging you and want to punish her boy for.

I think it will be interesting to see what she does now. Now she knows that it is her own behaviour that is stopping her son being invited, will she adjust it?

YADNBU. You have done well to show her that her ridiculous attitude is limiting her son's chances of developing strong friendships. You didn't want to leave him out but her ridiculous rules made you take that decision.

I'm not friends with all my DDs' friends' mums. I'm friends with one in particular, I don't describe the other mums as friends. It was a bit misleading to describe this mum as a friend, she clearly isn't.