To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

if a house was a shit hole, needles, crap everywhere and unhygenic - i get it.

if its messy, clothes everywhere/untidy - i do not care

i would want to know where my child is going though, meet the parents and go to their house,not to inspect it! just to see where my child is,i dont think thats unreasonable

what is unreasonable is how this woman is. She needs to subtley reword how she is coming accross

Well if nobody else invites him around for the same reason, then it's clear who the problem is, and it's not you. Good on you for being direct, it sounds like she was when she said that about carpet stains!

I couldn't think of a less dull invite then come round to see my new sofa or TV

(You know what i mean... more dull!)

I know the moms (and dads) well enough to feel happy that my son would be safe in their care regardless of what their house is like

I wasn't an anxious mum and wouldn't have thought like you when my kids were little, but I respected the fact that other mum's felt differently.

On one hand you claim that she knows you well enough to trust you not to leave knives on the counter, or not have exposed dangerous stairs, or dodgy sockets, but you don't know well enough to invite her into your house. That is odd.

Parents come in all shape and forms. My kids had friends whose parents would have been happy for them to come for a sleep over at 5 without hardly knowing me, others like your friend would have wanted to have a quick look of the house before even leaving them for 5 minutes. In this instance, I invited them over for coffee one afternoon and that was that.

You seem to be making a point for the sake of it which means that the child is excluded, which isn't fair. You also seem to resent her for the fact she is better off, which is stupid. If you'd invited her over for a chat the first time she mentioned it, there would be no issues to upset anyone at this stage.

One of ds's friends is really well spoken compared to us. New house as opposed to our old ramshakle abode..
First visit he clicked his sock on our thread bare carpet with a bit of gripper poking though.
He announced quite forceful I had to stitch it right away as it was indeed a new sock!!
I was a bit worried about another invite and if our 'class' was good enough. .
Ds missed the friend's birthday so I took them to an ice cream parlour (sit in one).
On walking back to our hosie he produced a sachet of sauce he had taken from the cafe - then he announced could we go to more cafes and collect sauce?! Obviously I don't condone stealing of cafe condiments but it brought him down a peg or two in my eyes!! They are best friends now and he comes over often.
Print off a fake hygiene certificate and produce it to her op... Give yourself 5 ***..

👋

Nice!

I wish I could be like you! That was a perfect response in my eyes but not one I would ever say.

I think there is maybe more to this. Firstly she described an unhygienic home, it could have been quite bad and right for her to not let her kid go there. And it's natural for people to wish to ensure their kid is safe, knowing the person doesn't mean you know how they live.

Secondly you feel your house wouldn't be up to standards and you'd feel crap if she visited, so maybe between these two is the real truth of it, you're worried about the state of your home. If your home was safe and hygienic why would you not wish her to visit? She's not looking to see if you have a nice tv.

It sounds like you don't like her much anyway. Maybe envy her lifestyle and compare yourself, And you've said what you've said now.

So yeah for me, I think there is three sides to this, hers, yours, and the truth.

I wonder what this woman does to have such a wonderful home. Does she work? Does she clean it herself? I would find being in her home stressful if it is that pristine, I would rather my son was playing in a more unruly home.

I couldn't think of a less dull invite then come round to see my new sofa or TV....

It is dull. My husband has never really taken to her (because her materialistic attitude) but she does have lots of nice qualities too.

I go round when she asks because she always asks in front of the children so of course the boys squeal in excitement at the thought of being able to play with each other at her home.

She has never had my son over without me being there, her invites only correlate when she has something new she wants to show me.

She hasn’t had any of the other boys over for play dates either unless she invites their mothers too.

Maybe she assumes that every mother is like her and wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving their child in another persons house without them being there themselves.

YABU

It wouldn’t even occur to me to stop my son going to the house of another child he was really good friends with just because I hadn’t seen the inside of their house.
really? You would leave your 5 year old in a stranger's house without checking it somehow? That's absolutely nuts.

I don't care if a house is a bit messy or has a dreadful wallpaper, but I want to know if a house is safe.

I don't know anyone who would just drop a 5 year old and not at least come in if they don't know the parents. If you have a chip on your shoulder and feel you are not "good enough" for others, that's on you, but the other mother is absolutely right.

If she doesn't actually like your house because it's a not a grey horror show-house, that's her problem, but wanting to see where her kids is absolutely normal.

I’ve never inspected the house of anyone where my child has been invited BUT at 5 I would prefer to have visited myself with the child, even briefly before sending them there on their own
I wouldn’t care about a small/ untidy/ slightly grubby house but I would be really uncomfortable sending a 5 year old somewhere I hadn’t been myself. I can’t exactly put my finger on what I would be “looking” for and I certainly wouldnt be doing an inspection but if I had any worries about the home set up, my child wouldn’t go alone

I don't blame you!

I'm not at all house proud, and the house is never tidy, although I do try to keep it clean at least. Mind you, my loo is always clean - I don't like dirty loos! But aside of that...

But having said that I would not at all like to have someone round who I knew would be judging the state of my house, and I therefore would avoid that at all costs. I have friends who feel the same way - they're happy for me to come round and I'm happy for them to come round because we all have similar feelings about our homes and know that none of us are going to be judging the others!

She doesn't really have the right to be furious or upset - she's set herself up for this situation by telling people she's so fussy!

To add to that though, at 5 I wouldn't have left my boys at anyone else's house without knowing them REALLY well and knowing that their house is safe. But I would have visited WITH the child on the playdate initially to make sure all was well.

She's not looking to see if you have a nice tv.

From what the OP has said, it sounds like she is that type. She likes to flaunt her wealth and say other peoples homes aren't good enough for her son, unless she's checked first. If it was just the son coming over, that would be fine, but she wants to assess the house to see if it meets her "standards". I would not invite her over either!

Are you sure she is judging excessively?

It seems very sensible to check someone's house is safe and adequately (health level) cheap before you send your kid there, esp unaccompanied.

If she's judging whether you carpet is worn or your cushions don't match your sofa, that it a whole different thing!

Also, if you invited him and she dropped him off, would you let her son in and just speak to her briefly on the porch? Wouldn't this be the time to let her in briefly so that she could indeed be reassured that you are not in an unpleasant place?

It sounds like she hit a nerve, either because you are ashamed of your house or because you took what she said personally when it might not have been at all.

You should have at least invited him once and wait for her to say no. For all you know, what she said didn't apply to you and your house but you didn't even give her a chance and just rejected her child regardless.

To answer some questions...

She isn’t much “better off than me” - we are pretty much on par I think, our houses are very similar in size and facilities. She just spends her money on nice things for her house (fair enough) whereas we spend our money on other things.

Of all the other families, she and I are probably the “worst off” (we definitely have the smallest houses anyway) but none of the other mothers seem to think them being more wealthy entitles them to sit in judgement of others.

My house is absolutely fine but is of course lived in - I have a two year old, as well my five year old, so of course there are toys everywhere and general child related chaos, whereas her house is always really tidy.

Maybe she just compares other houses to her own and expects them all to be to the same tidy standard as hers is.

She does work yes, three days a week, two of which she works from home and the other in an office. On all of these days she works from 7am - 2.30pm.

And to a person who commented about how she wouldn’t be coming over to check if I had a nice TV - I’m pretty sure that would in fact be something she would factor in her assessment of my home.

I’m not embarrassed of my house at all but I do not want someone coming in and making me feel like I should be.

I’m going to go against the general grain here and say you sound like we’re being nasty and judgemental.

You claim to be friends with this woman but you’ve done nothing but slag her off - she’s materialistic, she only invited me round to show off her new stuff etc... You clearly don’t like her.

If you were friends, surely you’d have been to each other’s houses. You sound like acquaintances to me, who might attend some of the same events.

If it were me, I’d want to see your house if my child was to be staying there any length of time.

She’s made a point of inviting you to her house (although you judge her and claim it was to show off rather than to be friendly), yet you’ve never bothered to return the invite - that’s quite rude.

I’m not saying it’s right for her to slag off another’s house (maybe it was in a dangerous condition and she was (badly) explaining why she isn’t comfortable letting her child go there, maybe it was an ill judged way of trying to make conversation) but you’ve deliberately excluded a child, through no fault of his own. He will know he’s been left out. You’re punishing a young boy because you don’t like his mother. That is utterly appalling behaviour in my opinion.

If you wanted to say something to the mother, by all means do so, but you’ve unfairly punished a child and I suspect you’re happy with yourself and the added benefit of upsetting the mother through her son.

My 5 year old would never be allowed to go to someone house I’ve never been inside of.

My mother sent me to a sleep over to a house that was revolting. When she came to pick me up she was absolutely horrified and was so upset with herself for not checking the house first.

I don’t think I’d be happy sending my child to someone’s house unless I had visited it either. What someone is like in the school yard or on a night out often bears little resemblance to how they are in their home.

But I wouldn’t talk about it like she did, I’d just say “I’ll bring him round the first time and make sure he settles in, then I’ll come back and collect at...” or similar.

I don’t think it’s precious to want to see a house before you leave your five year old there.

But that would be solely to check things from a safety perspective, not to look for ‘carpet stains.’ E.g. curtain cords that a child could accidentally hang themselves in.

And also, I wouldn’t expect to be invited around separately to check - and I wouldn’t say that I was checking - I would simply attend the first play date with my child.

Also, my sister lives in the US, in a rural area, and a lot of the parents of her children’s friends own guns. My sister will not allow her child to play at a friend’s house until she has seen that the guns in that house are stored safely, and are impossible for a child to access. Multiple American children have died on play dates because reckless parents left loaded guns lying around and the children started playing with it.

My house is absolutely fine but is of course lived in - I have a two year old, as well my five year old, so of course there are toys everywhere and general child related chaos, whereas her house is always really tidy.

that's fine, that's your house.
I have 4 kids and my house is not chaos though, there aren't toys everywhere by choice.

If you are happy with your home, who cares what other people may think? There's always someone with different taste who will dislike it anyway.

It sounds like you are embarrassed and not that proud of your home, it's not fair to take it on the other mother.

She is absolutely right to want to have a look before leaving a 5 year old.

Yanbu, ignore the guilt trips. Her behaviour has caused things to be crap for her son. That's on her

Maybe she assumes that every mother is like her and wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving their child in another persons house without them being there themselves
And that's not a bad assumption to make and indeed, it seems to be the standard approach your other friends have had.

It does sound like you are embarrassed of your home and that really is the trigger for not inviting the mums to yours. That's fine, but it's not fair to make it as if she is unreasonable just because you have lower standards of cleanliness than she does.

Your response was really rude. You made an assumption that she would judge your house rather than ensure it was safe, and more or less told her to get lost. I don't think she will miss your friendship and her boy will get over being friends with yours.