To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

Good for you.

She shouldn't be so flipping fussy and definitely not gossip about the state of people's houses.

Gosh she sounds unreasonable!

My mum is very conservative Christian and hates smoking, still when we were kids she allowed me to go on playdates with a girl who was the daughter of a brothel owner and where the child’s mum smoked constantly inside the home so I would reek of secondhand smoke after a playdate.

She said they were friendly people and I really liked the girl so she didn’t mind.
She did stop me from meeting my gypsy friends when I was a teenager, something I still can not understand as they were perfectly nice people albeit with an unorthodox lifestyle.

She sounds like an unpleasant woman and YANBU for not wanting to spend more time than necessary with her.

YABU and judgemental about the "wants to see house first"-thing. The examples she named aren't red flags to me. Seriously, it is not rocket science to get stains out of carpets, or to quickly bleach the loo and maybe wipe even the bathroom sink quickly in the morning. Especially with children that age, when they still often hold on to the toilet seat and are "forgetful" about washing their hands - it does sound as if the person she was talking about doesn't mind these things but I sure would. Would it prevent me from letting my kid play there? No, but I would pop them in the bath first thing at home.

I know some perfectly lovely people who clean their floors 1-2x a year and generally live in a mess. They are good friends but, for example, used to ask if they can take or dogs for walks and emphasised that they would happily look after them when we go on holiday. That is never going to happen because on the rare occasion we are there, I spend the first half hour collecting various pill packets of the floor while I follow the dogs around their place. Both have professional careers and you could not see that mess from the outside of their home. So heck yes, I would want to at least have a look around the entry hall as I drop them off for the play date.

Of course we don't know what the stains were...maybe they were dog pee stains all over and stinking.

You claim to be friends with this woman but you’ve done nothing but slag her off - she’s materialistic, she only invited me round to show off her new stuff etc... You clearly don’t like her. If you were friends, surely you’d have been to each other’s houses. You sound like acquaintances to me, who might attend some of the same event.*

This is exactly how it is. I have already said we are only friends through the children, not sure where I’ve got given any other impression. Our children do activities twice a week with each other, so we see each other for an hour each time, and about once a month we all (the mothers) go out for meal and drinks.

And I do like her, I have already said she has some really nice qualities, I just don’t like the materialistic side to her and how she judges others. It’s her right completely to feel how she does about wanting to look around the houses of other families, but that doesn’t mean I have to go along with it.

It's one thing to want to see/vet the house your child would be visiting.
More for knowing where they will be and making sure it's safe (As much as you could know this from one visit)
It's quite another to be judging and gossiping about carpet stains and cleanliness of bathrooms.
I like my house clean and tidy but couldn't give a flying fuck about carpet stains and grubby bathrooms in someone else's house.

I think you're quite right OP and applaud your honesty

but that doesn’t mean I have to go along with it.

you didn't. you rudely told her she and her son were not welcome in your home, but it's your home, your right, end of story.

If you were so sure to be right, why start a thread about it?

When my dd was 5 and just started playdates, I went to the parents house the first time to make sure they played nicely / settled. I think this is normal. Judging people’s decor or taste, no. General cleanliness and safety, yes. It’s important to do the check imo. But not in the way you’re implying. YANBU.

OP - it’s semantics, but you could be friends who met through your children, or you could be acquaintances. You’re clearly the latter - not friends.

And you’ve still punished the child based on his mother.

I do admire your honesty, so often when caught on the hop we make pathetic excuses. Had she a different attitude and she said 'I like to go on an initial play date, just to make sure my son feels safe etc' She may have got more understanding.

The woman was gossipy and rude about someones home - anyone would be wary but you let yourself down by gossiping about her and keep going back to her place. Surely, if you know her home is clean and safe, why not say 'okay boys, have a great time, I'll pick you up in an hour' Why keep going over there, she probably feels a bit used.

Of course we don't know what the stains were...maybe they were dog pee stains all over and stinking.

She would have had no qualms telling me that if it had been the case.

The way I see it is that if she’s happy to sit with me and gossip about the state of someone’s else house and the fact it’s not good enough for her son, then I’m not naive enough to think she wouldn’t do the exact same thing to someone else about my house. My house is not here to be judged by her or to be talked about by her to other people.

None of us of the group of friends have asked her son over because none of us feel comfortable with her attitudes. She’s well within her rights to want to judge the cleanliness of other people’s homes, but that doesn’t mean we have to let her in to do it to our houses.

It’s shame because her son is lovely and our boys get on really well with each other but if she doesn’t know me well enough by now to trust her child in my care unless she gets a tour of my house first then like I said, it’s not something I want to be part of.

I would have let her come and have a look (doesnt everyone do that?)

No.

Maybe she has OCD or some kind of anxiety around her child's health.

Is it me or is this now a reply on every single thread on here? "Maybe she has anxiety".... Maybe she's a snobby bitch who likes to judge people on the size and cleanliness of their house? Just a thought. I applaud you op, I'd refuse to allow her to inspect too, bizarre snobby behaviour, no thanks. Shame on the kid mind.

YANBU at all. She sounds incredibly uptight and snobby, you did the right thing and I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

Not wanting your DC to play in a house that’s basically squalor is one thing but not letting them play with a child purely because the carpet has a few stains is ridiculous.

I feel sorry for her son. I have been in this position where I didn't want to invite a child because I didn't like the mother but in the end I felt it was wrong to punish and exclude the child when they had done nothing wrong.
I can understand why you felt that way and I don't think it was wrong to tell her but I do think it was bad to exclude one child out of 5 repeatedly without saying something first personally

I wonder if she is asking the same questions to the others mothers in your son's friendship group? I wonder what they will say?

*Surely, if you know her home is clean and safe, why not say 'okay boys, have a great time, I'll pick you up in an hour'

Because she has never invited him over on his own. It is always “Do you and ‘billy’ want to come over after school tomorrow?”

Her son is very welcome in my home he’s a lovely boy, but I do not want her coming in and judging the tidiness of my home (and then no doubt gossiping about it to other people) in order to facilitate it.

Well done you.

Really well done, for giving her the feedback that HER behaviour is affecting the social life of her child.

Maybe she was trying to impress you, but you have given her the information that her arrogance puts people off getting involved.

The way I see it is that if she’s happy to sit with me and gossip about the state of someone’s else house and the fact it’s not good enough for her son, then I’m not naive enough to think she wouldn’t do the exact same thing to someone else about my house.
This, exactly.
She sounds a bit bonkers about it. I think you dealt with it very well and if she's upset, that's her problem.

I think you've done her a favour. It's up to her whether she decides to change her behaviour and see that she's being judgemental and unkind, and realise that maybe a bit of kindness and understanding is in order, and also to the benefit of her DS.

@JosefKeller and yet on the thread about the primary school event which worried a child you have said parents molly coddle their children!
Hilarious.

but you don't know well enough to invite her into your house. That is odd

I'm in a friendship group of 7 women. We have known each other for at least 5 years since the kids were in nursery. I have never been to two of the women's houses.
In over 5 years of a very tight knit group friendship I have never been. I don't even know where one lives cos it's a farm somewhere nearby. There's no real reason for not doing so, we just don't go sit at each other's houses. We meet for coffees, lunches or stand outside the school chatting for a good hour every day or two. We're also pretty much constantly on WhatsApp.

My hubby works nights so my house isn't that convenient, one has a grumpy hubby who doesn't like to have to make himself scarce, hiding from a bunch of cackling women and two live on farms that are too far away to bother with.going to when there's cafes just by the school.

One of our houses (not mine) is a complete shit tip. Really mucky. The floors haven't met a mop in a long while, there's stuff everywhere and I think they're a bit of a hoarder. Won't kill our kids though so if my kid is being picked up from school for a play date there then whatever. Fine. It won't kill him.

But not being to someone's house isn't a requirement for friendship. OP, good for you for being straight. I highly doubt you're the type of person to have drug needles laying about and dog shit all over the floors and your friend would know as much. She doesn't need to inspect your house and you shouldn't have to pass her inspection either.

Brilliant OP I love that you were direct and I don’t think you were in the slightest bit rude. You’ve done her a favour.

Frenchw1fe

there's molly coddling children and being completely irresponsible.

Never mind some stains and mess, as long as love and warmth are in abundance what else if needed for children?..