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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 15/01/2020 12:33

She sounds delightful Wink

No yanbu

Frenchw1fe · 15/01/2020 12:33

@Wineislifex but the inference surely is that she doesn't trust her 'friends' to be raising their own children in a safe and/ or comfortable environment. Which is frankly
Insulting.

FishCanFly · 15/01/2020 12:34

she wants to come in to check the environment is safe for her child. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, I think it’s very sensible and I would do the same.

Seriously? Hmm I somehow don't expect that any of the particular group members live in a crackhouse or a squat, i can't imagine what can be unsafe for a 5yo. Carpet stains?

cstaff · 15/01/2020 12:34

I am with you OP. I think this woman is being completely unreasonable. Tthere is no reason for her to have to inspect it before her child can enter it for a playdate or whatever. Maybe what you have said to her will make her wise up to what she is doing and saying. It is her child who is suffering as a result of her actions - not yours.

AssangesCat · 15/01/2020 12:38

What I find strange is that never having had someone in for a coffee is held up as evidence that you not actually get on with the woman.

I very rarely have people in for coffee, but there are lots of people I am friends with, reasons being:
I'm at work during the day.
If I'm around after school we chat in the playground, so can chat with parents regardless of whether our children are friends, as they all hare around in their own groups.
If not doing this, we are dashing off to swimming/dancing/football etc after school.
I live further from school and in the wrong direction for a lot of other parents.

This is going to blow your socks off folks - but on one occasion DS and his friend walked from school without adults (about a mile down a busy road) and the friend stayed for the afternoon. Had never met Mum, and the Dad had only met us to drop the child off for a party and pick him up at the end.

lanthanum · 15/01/2020 12:38

You've been to hers when invited. Have you never invited her round to yours for a coffee? Maybe she's worried you have something to hide.

Frankly, I'd invite him to play and suggest she comes too. Mum coming too on a first playdate at that age is entirely normal, or at least stopping for a quick cuppa.

Goodness knows how she'll manage when he goes to secondary school, though, and he gets invites from kids whose parents she's never met...

Dontdisturbmenow · 15/01/2020 12:38

She's known OP for 18 months, yet has never invited her to her house. That's nothing like a friend, just the parent of your kid's friend. Seeing each other at the school gates, and exchanging a few messages doesn't make one a friend.

Yes, she is on the more cautious side of careful who her son's go to, but so what. I just really don't get why you'd just wouldn't invite the mum to your house, unless it really was a tip that makes you embarrassed.

It's the normal thing to do to invite your young kids' friend's parents over to yours for a coffee before inviting their kids to stay alone. It's nothing to do about inspection or judgement just friendly manners.

mummyway · 15/01/2020 12:41

Op so refreshing to read how you were straightforward with her. Well done.

Evilspiritgin · 15/01/2020 12:44

Hopefully now she will find better friends for her self and her child, ive seen groups of women in the playground like yours and they are never nice

FourDecades · 15/01/2020 12:49

So does she want to inspect the whole house? I.e including parents bedrooms etc?

FrenchJunebug · 15/01/2020 12:51

I love your answer to her OP. YANBU

Oblomov20 · 15/01/2020 12:56

Andy:
"Who would let their child into a home which they havent checked first for a playdate?

I would have let her come and have a look (doesnt everyone do that?) "

Errrrr NO. Never!! Hmm

Dividingthementalload · 15/01/2020 12:57

Theoretically, I’m with you OP. After knowing a parent for 18 months I would be able to establish their safety in advance based on all I know From conversations, chatting and the many nights out you discuss. She doesn’t want to assess if he’s safe, she is being nosey. Or overly ridiculously (and insultingly) cautious.

However, I agree with a pp that you could have and should have brought it up either at the time of the conversation a month ago or shortly afterwards. That might have been more politic. Even if she’s an arse I wouldn’t deliberately want to upset someone. Similarly if you were all a bit unnerved by this requirement, why hasn’t one of you raised it in dispatches at one of the 18 nights out you’ve had, Safe in the knowledge that you have 3 others who will be in agreement with you? There are better ways to Have dealt with it I think, despite me thinking you are technically in the right. I think Nigel Farage is a racist, bigoted, small minded idiot but I wouldn’t dream of saying that to his face - it’s true but it’s rude to voice it in that way or in Those terms. I would choose my words and timing to communicate what I feel without being rude and insulting.

Being right doesn’t make things any easier for you, your ‘friendship’ group of mums or any of the children. In my view all of you need to grow up and do what we advise our kids to do : if you disagree, voice it politely, try to see the other’s point of view, and come to a compromise or agreement. That’s being an adult, not accidentally regressing to childlike behaviour as so many of us do in relation to school gates nonsense.

BrokenWing · 15/01/2020 13:01

To be honest she sounds a big unusual or quirky in her thinking, but maybe she is just a bit over cautious or precious about her son which is forgivable.

You and your mum group on the other hand are far worse, cruelly as group excluding one child from a close knit friendship from play-dates and talking about one mum in a group behind her back is just plain nasty.

Notodontidae · 15/01/2020 13:03

I feel sorry for her son, if the house is that immaculate, imagine what happens when her DC spills a drink or fails to flush the toilet. Now on top of that, he has no friends to his BD parties.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/01/2020 13:17

I feel sorry for the boy. Being excluded because you don’t like his mother who is just being a bit over protective. Her comments were directly about cleanliness and hygiene. It’s wasnt about “quality” of home as in detached, three story Georgian mansion or better.

Too, what if her boy has allergies or is immune compromised? Then she’s not even being over protective. I think you have over reacted massively and are BU to punish a child who doesn’t understand why you won’t let him come to your house.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 15/01/2020 13:19

she is being U. YABU.

It's petty.

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2020 13:22

I just don’t like the materialistic side to her and how she judges others

But do you really not see how you're doing the same? In reverse? Judging her for what she has and how she spends her money?

Billben · 15/01/2020 13:23

Oh OP I love you ❤️ . It is so good to hear of people who are straightforward with others like you were. You didn’t sugar coat things and told the truth in a polite manner. If she can’t handle that that’s her problem. Wish there were more people like you out there.

Straycatstrut · 15/01/2020 13:25

FFS. Her poor little boy.

I had "playdates" with single parents kids in tiny, messy council houses, and playdates in big mansions where their parents owned land and helicopters. I hand on heart enjoyed them both exactly the same, same fond memories of silly games and adventures with the friend I was with.

Wineislifex · 15/01/2020 13:28

@Frenchw1fe but there not friends really are they? The OP has said as much. They are two women who’s kids go to school together.

Dontdisturbmenow · 15/01/2020 13:29

It is so good to hear of people who are straightforward with others like you were
Except it wasn't being straightforward, it was being rude, unkind and very personal.

comesavemenow · 15/01/2020 13:29

I think it one of those things every one does but doesn't say because that is polite. As a parent myself I would not let my child go to a house which I haven't seen before or met the parents. Her child is too young and she needs to make a judgement on his behalf. She might have told you about the stain and dirty toilet but it might the overall hygiene of the house that would have put her off. How many times have we seen posters saying that they don't want to go to a friends house as it is filthy? She might want the same for her child. So I can understand why she did what she did but she made a mistake of saying it out loud. YNBU to feel like she will judge you when she comes to your house and not to invite her son.

billy1966 · 15/01/2020 13:34

Unfortunately, this woman was so silly to think, that gossiping about the state of someone's home, and stating her need to check out a home before her son visits, would not have consequences.

Everyone makes judgements, but to know that she insists on checking out other childrens homes, then gossips about what she has seen, is asking for trouble.

I can understand the OP is allergic to her.
The OP has every right not to want this woman in HER home.

This woman feels very strongly that she needs to have a look and then to comment.

The OP has equally the right to feel strongly, that she does not wish to have her home judged and gossiped about.

This woman has caused this problem.
Very unfortunate for her little boy.

But it is her need to verbalise her judgement of the houses she visits, that has caused this strife.

Andypromqueen · 15/01/2020 13:34

YANBU. I had this with a mum at school. She invited my dd round to her house for a 15 minute play date. Yes that’s right - a 15 minute play date! Of course I declined (by the time I’d got home I’d have had to go and get her!) but said her dd could come to ours after school one day if she liked. She then told me she always comes around on the first play date (insinuating it was to check the surroundings). I then mumbled something like “oh, great il call you” - then I just didn’t!! I find her very strange and I know I’m not the only one. It’s a shame cos her dd seems sweet but no way do I want this person in my house assessing me and my home - and for the record I have a gorgeous, clean home but it’s the cheek of it!