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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
finn1020 · 15/01/2020 11:31

Well done OP. She was rude and entitled and I bet she would gossip about your house to others unless it was without fault and professionally cleaned and painted, and the garden done.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 11:32

Of the four boys that are coming over from school over the next weeks, only one of the mothers has actually been in my house.

The other three mothers are still perfectly happy to let their child come over because they know me well enough to correctly assume that I don’t life somewhere dangerous or filthy and that their children are safe in my care.

Maybe I should have invited her son over one of the week but I knew she wouldn’t say yes so it seemed pretty futile.

OP posts:
LaneBoy · 15/01/2020 11:35

I take my hat off to you being assertive and not avoiding the issue! YANBU

LazyDaisey · 15/01/2020 11:38

“The way I see it is that if she’s happy to sit with me and gossip”

“None of us group of friends have asked her son over”

Because you gossiped and bitched about her to the rest of the group and made sure her child was ostracised by all his friends’ parents.

I’ll go “team materialistic mum” over “team bullying mothers” any day. The more you write, the more the actual truth - as opposed to your version - comes out:

MonstranceClock · 15/01/2020 11:39

*The way I see it is that if she’s happy to sit with me and gossip”

“None of us group of friends have asked her son over”

Because you gossiped and bitched about her to the rest of the group and made sure her child was ostracised by all his friends’ parents.

I’ll go “team materialistic mum” over “team bullying mothers” any day. The more you write, the more the actual truth - as opposed to your version - comes out*

Completely agree with this!

ddl1 · 15/01/2020 11:40

Well, you're not excluding her son; she's excluding him from normal social contacts. She has to make up her mind whether she wants him to go to other people's houses, or only if they're immaculate (which most homes that contain other children will not be!) It sounds as if she has some mental health issues. It is NOT normal behaviour either to inspect other people's houses before you let your child go to them, or to tell another mother that 'you are very hurt' that their child has not yet been invited to play (to ask why, possibly); and certainly not to both! It is a good thing that you did tell her honestly why, so that there could be no question about your having something against the child. If she chooses to go through the roof about it, it's her problem, not yours. I feel sorry for her child having to deal with all this from his mother.

zasknbg · 15/01/2020 11:43

She was rude.

I can understand her wanting to see where her 5yo will be. I have to say that some houses are unsuitable, even though the parents seem to be ordinary people. Someone my 4yo went on a playdate with had a really lax attitude to safety that scared me and I didn't allow my dc back there. Hammers and dangerous work tools were tidy, but left out at child height whilst child was not supervised, they had a trampoline on concrete with no net and the child was allowed to go alone and call for a friend 2 doors down at 4yo (not a cul-de-sac, house was on a normal through road with parked cars on it). I wouldn't have given a shit about toys and clothing and a general family lived in kind of feel. Or not having fashionable furnishings etc. But the other stuff I did care about.

GinAndTings · 15/01/2020 11:43

I’ll go “team materialistic mum” over “team bullying mothers” any day. The more you write, the more the actual truth - as opposed to your version - comes out*

Team bullying mothers?? Really? LOL!

Ensuring your home is not assessed by some arseole trog bitch from hell at the school gates is not bullying.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 11:43

Because you gossiped and bitched about her to the rest of the group and made sure her child was ostracised by all his friends’ parents.

The mother in question has told all of us how she likes to see inside other people’s houses before letting her child go there - it wasn’t just me she said it to. The other mothers know because they were told it themselves, not because I was gossiping/bitching about it. They feel as uncomfortable about it as I do, hence why they haven’t invited her son over either.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 15/01/2020 11:46

I think once it reached that point it would have been more rude NOT to be direct, and possibly thus to let her think that you disliked her son in some way.

I don't think it's that unreasonable for the mum of a child that age to want to visit the home first, just to know where her child is going, and who is going to be there. But not to judge on the basis of how clean and tidy it is.

2020BetterBeBetter · 15/01/2020 11:49

I could maybe understand it if she didn’t know me well, but we’ve been friends (as have our sons) for 18 months and she still wouldn’t let her son come to my house unless she saw the inside of it first.

Has she actually specifically said that about inspecting your house though or are you basing this on one conversation the two of you has six months ago. Maybe what she means is she wants to inspect the houses of parents she doesn’t know, and presumably meet them at the same time, before she trusts her five year old’s well-being with them. In fairness, I wouldn’t have an issue with that. However, I would trust any of my friends of 18 months to look after my child without needing to check out their house first of all.

ArranUpsideDown · 15/01/2020 11:49

Do people really inspect each other's houses before they let their kids go round to play?

I know cybersecurity/privacy people in the UK who don't allow their children to go to homes with an unmodified Alexa/similar.

www.theregister.co.uk/2019/06/12/alexa_children_lawsuits/

HopeItComesWithBatteries · 15/01/2020 11:50

I think you were perhaps a little blunt, but I also think you have probably done her a favour, even if she doesn’t realise it. Obviously she is starting to clock that her son is being excluded from play dates and wonder why, and you have given her an honest answer.

Are you going to try and save this friendship?

LazyDaisey · 15/01/2020 11:50

“They feel as uncomfortable about it as I do, hence why they haven’t invited her son over either.”

Sure. You’ve never talked about it with them. And then pigs flew.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 11:54

Has she actually specifically said that about inspecting your house though or are you basing this on one conversation the two of you has six months ago.

About a month ago and she and I were walking home from the school together with the children, and my son said “can bob come to our house for tea mommy?” obviously causing his friend to get excited at the thought of it.

I would have had no problem with that whatsoever but his mom answered him by saying, “Not tonight Bob, mommy hasn’t seen the house yet so I can’t let you go there, you know that.”

She didn’t even attempt to come up with any kind of excuse. I won’t pretend it didn’t offend/hurt me, because it did, but I just let it go.

OP posts:
Stephminx · 15/01/2020 11:55

The fact remains that you’ve punished the child in order to punish the mother.

If you invited him and she said no, that’s her choice.

However, you alone have made the choice to exclude the child based on what you think the mother might do.

I also do not see the issue with letting the mum have a quick check before she leaves the child with you, especially since you are clearly not friends.

Hepsibar · 15/01/2020 11:56

You are so brave to actually say what needed to be said, well done you, I wish I had your courage and inner belief.

What a cow she is and I'll bet she's never been pulled up before.

I feel sad for the little boy who is missing out, maybe if the opportunity arose he could be invited but without any "inspection".

Some of the nicest families I know homes have been less than perfect: a farmhouse deep in the countryside with mud in the entrance and a bit creeping into the kitchen and lambs round the aga and dogs and puppies and all the mess, what a wonderful place for children to be invited to; or a hurly burly family in a small house with the loveliest mum and dad and lots of toys, food, trips to the park and very lived in; or the family who let their ponies walk thru the house (on an estate) to the back garden; the family whose big brothers loved cars and engines bits of which taken into the house, but who built amazing tree houses which occasionally collapsed ... I think someone sprained their wrist on one occasion;

What I would be most concerned about would be not knowing the other parents, whether inapprop films or internet were allowed, or just too much sugary stuff and I would always check, for older children, before allowing a sleepover somewhere I didnt know with parents I knew and trusted or go round. A friend of ours didnt allow their daughter (aged about 10 or 11) on a sleepover because they had concerns about the mum's boyfriend and they just made a firm but discreet excuse.

Stephminx · 15/01/2020 11:56

Also, if he asked to come over and you were gone with that, why not just invite her for a quick coffee - sounds like the perfect opening to me and she clearly wanted you to invite her but responding like that.

hiddenmnetter · 15/01/2020 11:57

Yanbu- fuck if, if she wants her son to get invited around drop the inspection. You've made your terms clear and she has hers, end of. What else is there?

lovemenorca · 15/01/2020 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 11:59

Sure. You’ve never talked about it with them. And then pigs flew.

Of course we have talked about it at times in relation to play dates, but I don’t see that’s wrong with that seeing as we all know the other mother’s stance as she told us it herself?!

If any of the other mothers were happy to have their house vetted then fair enough, but they aren’t. None of us like the fact that the other boy is excluded from the home play dates but the boys all do a variety of activities with each other out of school, and we go on group trips out, so at least the friendship with him is still maintained well.

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 15/01/2020 11:59

unless you are looking at property to buy, noone looks around my home to 'inspect it',

Russell19 · 15/01/2020 12:03

Seems like I'm in the minority but I wouldn't send my child to a house I hadn't been in before. I wouldn't mind stains etc but I would want it to be safe and clean. It's the people you least expect that have horrific homes.

Maybe when the conversation came up on the walk home you should have invited the boy and mother round for coffee/playdate. Especially as you have been to her house many times. It seems odd she has invited you but you have not reciprocated.

Unless your house is filthy dirty and dangerous that you know what her reaction would be?

blubberball · 15/01/2020 12:03

Just meet up some where mutual like the park.

I'm very good at avoiding the issue. Grin

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 12:03

Also, if he asked to come over and you were gone with that, why not just invite her for a quick coffee - sounds like the perfect opening to me and she clearly wanted you to invite her but responding like that.

She probably was angling for an invite by saying that - but like I have said all along, I do not want her in my house, looking around and making judgements on whether it’s good enough for her son to be in.

I guess I though that after 18 months of us knowing each other she would be happy enough for her son to come over for tea, so I was hurt when she made it clear she wasn’t allowing him to do it until she had been in my house first.

OP posts: