To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

The thing is it stands, you'll never know if she's approved and there will always be that doubt that maybe, because she does know you and like you, she'd be happy for her son to go. As it is, she is probably imagining the worse any wayvrvrn if she remains polite.

If you invited her, and she then refused for him to come, at least you'll know and you'll never have to feel guilty or awkward. If she gossips about your house, she'll show her true colours and everyone will think poorly or her, not you.

That's great OP.

The matter is now fully closed and hopefully will not be revisited.

No-one needs unnecessary stress like this in their lives, so early in their child's school life.

I was advised many years ago to take my time with establishing the lay of the land, when each of my children started school.

I gave it a full year before I started playdates. It was great advice, which I took, and which served me very well.

By the end of the first year most of the CF/difficult parents, if they are there, have come to light, and can be easily avoided.

Glad this morning was ok but I would remain very wary of her personally

OP, I was YANBU all the way at first you’ve taken this way too far now.

You’ve been able to say no to the play dates all this time, finally you agree that she can come over for a coffee (and not look around the rooms). Her son obviously gets excited at this FIRST play date at the home of one of this group of 5 kids/mums.

You then decide that you can’t even bear that she may be judging your house during this cup of coffee and tell her that her she can only send her son.

I’m at a loss to understand your behaviour and can only think you enjoy the drama. You should not have invited that boy to a play date when you know you didn’t want his mum there.

I take it alot of you haven't read the "strangest thing you saw in a friends house growing up thread"
I don't see the problem with checking out where your kid will be. Especially at 5yo

@Greysparkles I completely agree with you but it seems we are in the minority!

Checking out somewhere your child is going = knowing where the person lives if you haven’t known them for over a year or so, or don’t know them at all? Absolutely fine.

If you’ve known someone for approximately 18months, know them, their husband, they know yours, know where they live and know they don’t have a large dog or pet wolverine- when you tell them that you want a full tour of their home to check it’s suitable for son to visit (for a couple of hours), having already gossiped to all and sundry about someone else’s home/kid... hmm, let me see, not sure that’s an easy question now is it?

All of you who would want to check out where your 5yo was going to be playing, would you demand a full tour of house?

Would you TELL the parent that you were coming over to make sure they weren’t living in squalor?

Would you gossip about others who don’t have show homes for houses?

So you want to check out someone’s home to make sure they’re not pigs?

Cos that’s what the HVM is being quite clear about! Repeatedly.

How would you feel if another parent makes no secret of the fact that this is why they’re coming over. To vet your home and your lifestyle and if it doesn’t meet their standards, they’ll tell all and sundry.

I feel increasingly sorry for the little boy who it sounds like is caught between two adults who are enjoying stirring up as much drama around this as possible.

Only ONE adult is doing that.. and it's his OWN Mother.... OP is correct to not allow herself to be dragged into this Survey of her home...

I feel sorry for the little boy also but only because he has a headcase for a mother. That's not his fault but he has a lot of years ahead of him to have to face her craziness, poor sod. That doesn't mean the OP is wrong though.

To all those who were very helpful on this thread...

Me and the mother have been fine all week, still a little stilted at times but generally there hasn’t been any awkwardness or feelings of tension.

Anyhow - she came up to me this morning and said she had been doing some thinking and that maybe she was being a bit too cautious and that if her son was still invited then she would be happy for him to come with me from school with the other two boys

I’m so relieved. I told her not to apologise though as like we’d always said, we just have different opinions on how play dates work, but that I was glad she was now letting her son come over.

So hopefully, all is well that ends well.

Now, that’s an update!!!

Oh that’s brilliant!

The fact she’s realised this now will really help her develop friendships with the other mums too.

Well done for holding onto your boundaries, you’ve done her a massive favour!

Well now there's a shock ending!

Fair dues to you @QueenofmyPrinces.

Beware though that she may want to step inside when she is collecting her little charmer though! so for the final 30 minutes, I'd have the kids in one room and either have them watch a programme or be sitting at the dining table having a snack or something, so that she only has to be on the one level of your home. In and collect. That's as much access as she will need.

Do you know what you would say to her if she asks to use your loo? (which is a possibility)

How articulate is the ds?
Watch for him taking a clip board and pen from his bag.
Question 1 - check her bathroom Little Johnny..
Question 2 - is the loo clean?
Question 3 - 3 ply loo roll or only 2?
Good luck with the visit op!!
Oh and check his clothes for a bugging device!! With camera....

Beware though that she may want to step inside when she is collecting her little charmer

as the OP has visited, and more than once, this woman's house, it would be more than rude not to invite her in when she collects her child...

I don’t mind her coming in for collection, I imagine the mothers of the other two boys will be there at around the same time so there will be too much hustle and bustle to look for carpet stains hopefully

Plus there will probably be toys everywhere that will also make it hard for her to inspect the nooks and crannies of my house

But jokes aside - it will probably be the boy’s father that picks him up anyway as the mother visits her own mother most evenings (she has poor health and needs help with cooking) and I doubt her husband will care about my carpets

I think you've made such a mountain that no matter what even if it's for 5 minutes at the door she will fully examine what she can see lol. Let's hope there is no dust hovering around the porch

That's a great result OP. Well done for holding your own. You never know - it might even make her change her ways for all houses which would certainly be in her child's best interest. As seen from your encounters with her, her child was going to suffer, and that was with someone that she knew well.

Just have coats shoes and bags by the front door so no one needs to go wandering.

Great result, I’ve been quietly following from the beginning. I hope it goes ok, OP.

Great result, I think you handled it so well from the beginning and the other mum has done well to come down. Hope the play date goes well

Ah, that's brilliant! She sounds like she is sensible underneath the caution and is prioritising her son. A nice update

Great update.
You were always reasonable OP. Always.

I think she has been very wise to rethink.

These things tend to get around.

Not many self respecting women would be tolerant of her demands.

Well done OP.

You rock op. Well done for calling her out on her unpleasantness.

Oh what a lovely update! I’m pleased for you and I’m absolutely thrilled for her ds

Well done, not only did you stand up for yourself but you have probably stopped her son from a lot of future exclusion