To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

We all have our hang ups, judging them is really unkind, even more when it's a supposed friend that does so.

What, like being too busy all week to tidy up to show-home standards and then having to worry about your home being judged as dirty by a mum you thought was your friend?

@youropinionisnoted. Love a bit of reductio ad absurdum, but that's not even remotely in the ballpark of what is being asked.

The mother wants her child to be in a safe, clean environment. She should have found a more diplomatic way to achieve that objective, and sadly shes played herself and her child into the hands of someone that doesn't (and has never liked her) and is now no doubt thrilled to be able to have a good reason for excluding her and no doubt edging her out of the friendship group.

@dontdisturbmenow, absolutely.

When did it become such a hardship to show a bit of kindness and tolerance to other people's foibles? When did it become a question of "boundaries" as though every human interaction was a battle to be won or lost?

* Ok tatty, let's say you've invited my child to play at your house. I say yes, but only once I've run s background check on you and any other adults living at your address, to make sure my child will be safe there. I want your full names, address history for the past five years, and dates of birth. I would happily give these to you for you to do the same.*

I would presume the mother had had a terrible experience or serious anxiety and I would say “if that is what you need to do in order to feel comfortable, then I understand. Before going down this route though, I need to know why, not the detail of its sensitive, but I do need more information”

What if she lost a sibling because the filth caused them to catch an infection

In this day and age? You're a lot more likely to catch an infection playing in the garden and getting a scratch that turns nasty. Or getting bitten by some horrible biting thing.

We all have our hang ups, judging them is really unkind, even more when it's a supposed friend that does so.
Strange how your view hypocritically only goes one way, isn't it? The OP's own anxiety about who she finds comfortable having in her own home doesn't matter. ONLY the other mother's (who is not willing to compromise, when the OP is, so the OP has at least tried to meet her half-way) anxiety counts. Stuff the OP's anxiety, right. That's the issue to me. The absolute hypocrisy of those attacking the OP, the peer pressure for her to ignore her own anxiety about who she lets in her own home. The OP, the one who has to be judged, is the one who should roll over for the CF mother. Stuff the OP's anxiety, right?

@Longwhiskers14 I think it's the likes of you not reading well.

This woman said she wanted to have a look to see if suitable. She said nothing at that point of wanting to look into every single room and judge how dirty it is and then gossip. Nowhere does OP say that she stated who that other persons house was.

If it was an issue for OP, then was the time to raise it to say that she wasn't comfortable with her coming into her house at which case they could maybe have reached a compromise. Instead for the following 6 months, she invited the other boys but not hers and just waited for her to raise the issue, probably hoping that somehow she never would.. So yes, thats cowardice.

*What if this mum grew up in an absolute filthy home and she was the one who had to clean up? What if she lost a sibling because the filth caused them to catch an infection? What if she developed OTC as a result and the idea of her son being in condition to what she grew up in steers utter panic?

Would that make a difference?*

So that means the homeowner has to roll over?

Maybe you missed it, but the OP has anxiety and stress, she has said she grew up in a very critical house where she was judged continuously.

Would that make a difference to you? How about the mother consider the OP's upbringing?

Spot on SaphfireRose! Why should the OP's anxiety count for nothing and why she should bend over backwards to welcome into her house someone who has told her repeatedly she intends to judge the state of it and then pass slag her off to others, if her past form is anything to go by?

I would presume the mother had had a terrible experience or serious anxiety and I would say “if that is what you need to do in order to feel comfortable, then I understand

Exactly! I would too because I have nothing to hide that I'm ashamed of.

Sapphire, the issue for be is not so much her refusal to gave her inspecting her home, it's the fact that she opted to state her issue back to her supposed friend. Friend was honest with her hang up, OP wasn't. Instead she went about excluding a child and not care until the mum raised it up.

She had her chance to explain that she never let people in her house and why but she didn't.

Dontdisturbmenow Maybe OP should've raised it earlier, but it sounds like she was already wary of HVM's reaction and those fears have been proved right. Plus you missed the bit where OP said she grew up in a critical home so the thought of having her home judged was making her anxious. Plus HVM has said she won't let her son go to a dirty home, so OP knows exactly how she plans to judge her.

Sorry for typos, not good typing on phone!

Saphfirerose, and still zero thought for the child, I see.

Definitely signing off now; just too depressing to read messages from people determined to be "right" with zero thought for the bigger picture.

Maybe OP should've raised it earlier, but it sounds like she was already wary of HVM's reaction and those fears have been proved right
Exactly! Wary so deciding to ignore despite the impact on the boy.

And I definitely believe she jumped to conclusions that she would judge her house. How does she actually know she would?

Definitely signing off now; just too depressing to read messages from people determined to be "right" with zero thought for the bigger picture.

Er, the irony!

The, I’d drop this woman like a rock now, why would anyone want all this hassle?

Your child has only just started school @QueenofmyPrinces, you have a loooooooong time ahead of you dealing with nonsense like this, do yourself a favour, be clinical and just phase her out from your life.

It’s up to her how she lives, the consequences of those decisions are all hers too.

I do wish people would stop trying to come up with excuses for her, it’s already been explained why she inspects, because she saw a few stains and a bathroom that could have done with a wipe

She gossiped about that but there was no mention of a squalid backstory

Take her at face value, she’s a pretentious snob.

Longwhiskers14 is right, you clearly have not read the thread, @Dontdisturbmenow This is NOT about simply seeing if it is ok. The CF mother EXPECTS A FULL TOUR (pardon my shouting). This is quite clear. I am not sure if you are deliberately overlooking that crucial fact, or you simply haven't read the thread thoroughly. The CF mother gave the OP a tour of every room in her house, even including master bedroom. To reiterate this point that she expected a full tour in return, she herself mentioned the 'full tour' in her discussion with the OP. So there is no longer any doubt. The CF expects a full tour in return. The issue is that is simply way past ordinary parental check, this is a snoop, a judgemental busybody who expecct to see OP's master bedroom/laundry etc, as if she were a real estate agent appraising the house for sale.

If you honestly thought it was merely just an ordinary visit, do you really think we'd be here discussing this?

And I definitely believe she jumped to conclusions that she would judge her house. How does she actually know she would?

Again, it's further up the thread. HVM has told OP to her face that she wanted to see her house first to make sure it's suitable! Plus OP has heard her slag off other mums for having dirty homes and has passed comments on their carpets having marks on them. Based on those multiple conversations, I think OP can be pretty confident HVM will judge her, even if it's to say that her house is clean enough for her DS to set foot in. It is awful for the DS, no one wants their child excluded, but to say it's entirely OP's fault and she started it is plain wrong.

@tattyheadsmum Yes, it is a shame the CF mum and her apologists have no regard whatsoever for the boy.

And I definitely believe she jumped to conclusions that she would judge her house. How does she actually know she would?

Fmd! facepalm headbrickwall The ENTIRE POINT is that the CF mum wants to judge her house, and has ADMITTED IT. Please, RTFT.

I'm glad it's not just me head-butting a brick wall, SaphfireRose! 😂

Lol Longwhiskers14 it's absolutely unbelievable, isn't it? I think some are clearly reading only what they want to see because they don't want to have to concede that they got it wrong, so pretend that the linchpin of the entire story is not there. It's like stubbornness is more important than admitting they didn't actually read the thread properly. omg

@SaphfireRose I’m struggling to understand what is difficult for some other posters to grasp about this.

• HVM has bitched to OP about other people’s houses.

• HVM has given OP a full tour of her house, which OP found odd and uncomfortable.

• HVM has told OP that expects a full tour in return so she can check her house.

• OP has invited HVM’s child around several times from a position of compromise in order to facilitate a friendship between the boys.

• Upon realising that HVM will not compromise and will indeed be passing judgement, which has made OP feel significant stress, OP has decided to preserve her own boundaries and protect her own mental health and reiterate to HVM that she is not is comfortable with the HVM’s house checking and judging behaviour.

• HVM again refuses to compromise and therefore excludes her child from social activities.

But somehow the social inclusion of HVM’s child is OP’s responsibility? And HVM’s entirely speculated upon reasons for her snobbish behaviour are more important than OP’s own clearly stated reasons for wanting to maintain boundaries? And for some reason - entirely against all advice I see on here every day - OP should compromise her boundaries and therefore her mental wellbeing for someone else who is behaving unreasonably by trying to apply pressure through attempting to drag in members of the wider social circle and trying get OP to agree to things by asking in front of the kids!

I’m with you. They’ve either not read the thread, or they’ve read a different one entirely!

Excellent summation of OP's predicament, BiscuitBarrels. I do find it baffling that some posters think it's her sole responsibility to make sure HVM's son has a social life.

And we wonder why some children have the difficulties they have today.....one reason is definitely:

parents not being reasonable,
not taking responsibility,
not being able to understand boundaries, not being able to comprehend......
" No is a complete sentence."

How on earth can parents teach what they clearly have absolutely no comprehension of themselves.

Then we have the daft virtue signalling of people writing that the poster should put a 5 year olds playdates ahead of her own boundaries and the privacy of her own home.

Goodness me🙄

You have the patience of a Saint OP..