To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

Frankly, you owe this woman no favours and as you already know that she routinely slags people off, why wouldn't you want to stop her spreading more crap about you?

The other mothers know what HVM is like regarding needing to check out other houses, and they know I have no problem with children coming to my house, so I’m hoping they will be able to come to the right conclusion themselves.

I just don’t want to to get into some big battle over it - it doesn’t achieve anything and just causes more upset to everyone involved I think. I don’t want this snowballing into something that it doesn’t need to be.

I don’t want this snowballing into something that it doesn’t need to be.

I think you're way past that! It's better to be completely upfront with your friends about why you object to her checking your house before the whole school hears her version of what's happened.

I'd be happy to explain the facts to your other friend. Cf has already involved you and tried to make you look bad and potentially loose friends. Don't let her bully you.

Why of why have you included this mum in your little group because there is obvious resentment all across towards her. The other mums know 'what she's like'? To come to this conclusion, you must have discussed it before. You've clearly gossiped behind her back.

I wish I knew this woman so I could tell her that the women she thinks are friends are nothing of the sort, happy to exclude her son to playdates because they think she is nuts. You claim to be honest and open but you certainly are not. If you really liked her like you pretend, but had an issue with her scrutinising your house, the moment she told you about the other house, you would have said 'oh, my house is not beautiful like yours, it's a lot smaller and in need of decorating, I'm not sure if you'd approved', at which point she would have said, 'don't be silly, this woman was nothing like you, I'm sure yours is absolutely fine, but ever since that day, I just like to see where my son stays'. You could have them say 'oh ok, well if you don't mind, I'm very happy for you to come have a cup of tea one day, but if you don't mind, I would rather keep the upstairs out of bound as due to my background, I feel very awkward with people invading my privacy;.

That would be a totally normal, standard conversation. Instead, you chose to say nothing even though you took it personally when she mentioned the other house, and just chose to exclude her son from any invitation, and even when she challenged you, you turned everything around to make it that she was not right in the head and building it up to be much worse than what it really is.

I really don't get why the first time you invited the other boys, you didn't go to her one morning saying 'listen, I really want to invite the kids over to mine including yours, but what you said that day got me worried that if I invited you, you'd judge my house, which I would find very upsetting'.

Instead, you took the coward stand and just didn't invite him. What a supposed friend you are!!

Agree you should be absolutely up front with HVM, with the other mums and all the dcs. You and your ds stand to lose more than HVM if she succeeds in getting her version of events over to the other mums first and starts pushing for you and your ds to be ostracised by the mums. On the face of it she's making you sound like a bitch and unless you explain your friends will think the less of you, not HVM.

Send a message to the friend who contacted you. Explain the simple truth and tell your friend you would be happy to have Little HVMds over any time - just not with environmental health inspection first.

Well I just got off the phone to HVM and have hopefully calmed things down a little. I told her that I was upset she had included the other mother on what I thought was just an issue between her and me.

I said that she doesn’t feel comfortable sending her son to my house unless she gets to look around it first, but that I don’t feel comfortable with that because it’s crosses a privacy line and I would feel like I was being judged.

I said that we simply have differing views on the matter but that doesn’t mean we have to turn this into some kind of battle. I said that we see each other a lot out of school, our sons do a lot of activities together and so we need to just move past this.

I said that I had never want to cause any upset to her or her son but I’m not willing to give her what she wants and if that means her son can’t come to my house then we just have to accept that and maintain their friendship out of school in the same ways that we already do (activities and group days out with the boys).

She told me she just felt upset about her son not coming round and so lashed out (referring to the text she sent the other mother).

I reiterated that the invite to her son is always there and that if she ever does change her stance and would feel comfortable with him coming over without needing to inspect my house first then he will always be welcome.

She said thank you but that it wasn’t something she could imagine being able to do.

Anyway, we ended the call on relatively ok terms (there was no handing up this time) and I hope that things have been a little smoothed over.

@Dontdisturbmenow, I completely agree. Its utterly messed up how little kindness is being exhibited both by the OP and her cheerleaders on this thread. All gleefully missing the point that the end result is a child feeling left out and ostracized.

Well done

Well done op. Sometimes there just isn't a way to make everyone happy.

Well you have done the right thing in the end OP. Good on you for that.

@tattyheadsmum, indeed! What drama over nothing! Does this really happen in real life, or is it just in MN because I've never ever seen such pathetic squarrels when my kids were growing up.

Really, all this mum has to do now is start to invite the others and purposely exclude your son. When you ask her why, she can say that she feels uncomfortable with the fact that you think she is precious about her house and having your son over makes her feel anxious as to what he might say back to you about her house.

Then she can say that it's your fault he's excluded because you are judgemental about her house and therefore it's nothing to do with her.

There's then two boys who get to have all the fun and two who will feel left out. It will then turn into a competition as to who makes the most invites!

All gleefully missing the point that the end result is a child feeling left out and ostracized.

You are missing the point that a child feeling left out and ostracised is the fault of his mother, not the OP. Maybe you could show a little kindness and not expect the OP to be abused and have her boundaries encroached because another mother is odd. None of this is the OP's fault, it is outrageous you are blaming her. It is the mother that is making her own son feel that way. No one else.

And now apparently we're congratulating the OP for calming down a situation that she herself inflamed. Absolutely mental.

Christ and now we're into the usual "boundaries" bollocks. Which on MN is usually shorthand for "my feelings and wants are the most important thing".

Instead, you took the coward stand and just didn't invite him. What a supposed friend you are!!

The child has been invited. The mother won't let him go. The child has even asked, in front of both mothers if he can go anf his mother has told him "you know you can't because I haven't been to the house yet".

She doesn't want to pop round and have a cup of tea in the kitchen. She wants a full tour to assess the suitability of the house.

There are about 16 children in my daughter's class. I have been inside one of their houses because the mother is a long standing friend of mine. And 2 other houses when collecting my child from there after she went from school with the mother. My child has been in houses that I have not been past the doorstep of. I know the parents. I might know them years. I meet up with them socially, but have not been to their houses.

Christ apparently now it is wrong for someone to not feel ok about having their house scrutinised, because their feelings/boundaries don't count, only a strangers do! No way would these people commenting be happy if it was happening to them in real life, nothing can convince me they would be happy letting someone have full access to their house.

She’s a fruitloop

Shes not a stranger. She is the mother of OP's sons good friend. And if I was in that situation, yes, I would tolerate that mother looking round my house to avoid her child being left out. Because I think the child's feelings in this situation count more than mine.

Ok tatty, let's say you've invited my child to play at your house. I say yes, but only once I've run s background check on you and any other adults living at your address, to make sure my child will be safe there. I want your full names, address history for the past five years, and dates of birth. I would happily give these to you for you to do the same.

Sound good?

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre, read OP'sfi4st post again:

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play

She only invited him once the mum raised the question why we wasn't.

Amazing how many posters are indeed falling for the 'poor me, I'm the victim' when OP definitely started the whole issue.

Why doesn't the mother of the son put HER child's feelings first? Why is it on the OP? The mother has rejected offers for her son to go there. Why can't the actual mother stop being so selfish and put her son first and her obsession with inspecting houses aside? He is not the OP's son.

because I think the child's feelings in this situation count more than mine.

The child's own mother doesn't, though. But that's ok?

My child has been in houses that I have not been past the doorstep of

God's for you, maybe my kids also went to friends house without me being there but it would stop me inviting one if it was an issue for them. I do remember one mum who wouldn't let her kid go in someone's car. It wasn't too convenient as I picked my kids up from school after work, but if my DS invited him over, I would leave work a bit earlier, go home, park and then walk the same way back to pick them up. I never once considered telling him he couldn't come because of his mum's anxiety. We all have our hang ups, judging them is really unkind, even more when it's a supposed friend that does so.

Have you read the full thread, Dontdisturbmenow? OP didn't start this, HVM did when she revealed she only let her son go to houses she'd vetted for cleanliness beforehand, while simultaneously slagging off the homes of other friends for being dirty. Why on earth should OP then facilitate such two-faced, bitchy and downright bonkers behaviour? It's a shame HVM's DS is missing out, but that's his mum's doing, not OP's.

Why can't the actual mother stop being so selfish and put her son first and her obsession with inspecting houses aside?

What if this mum grew up in an absolute filthy home and she was the one who had to clean up? What if she lost a sibling because the filth caused them to catch an infection? What if she developed OTC as a result and the idea of her son being in condition to what she grew up in steers utter panic?

Would that make a difference?

We don't know people's past, a past that we don't forcibly share with casual friends.