To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

The boy is the responsibility of his mother, she’s the one creating this mess, he could come to ops house whenever he likes but the mother is placing unreasonable conditions on what the op must fulfill before she will allow him to come

That “poor boy” had better get used to this kinda thing, cos his mother isn’t likely to unclench any time soon

We can’t be responsible for other parents children. The mother is using the “poor boy” routine as emotional blackmail to try to get her own way, the minute she sees that she’s absolutely bullying the op into conceding to her demands for an inspection I’d hope she backs down or backs off/away and comes back with a far less aggressive way of treating people who are trying to make the school years more sociable

You have the patience of a Saint OP..

I have a job that requires this skill

But on a serious note - I just hate arguing with people and there being unresolved issues and awkwardness etc. I’m hoping that avoidance won’t be necessary in the playground tomorrow morning now and that we can at least be pleasant with each other until everything has completely died down.

This is NOT about simply seeing if it is ok. The CF mother EXPECTS A FULL TOUR (pardon my shouting). This is quite clear
No it isn't. There's no mention of a tour in the OP. It's only mention because she gave OP one (which she clearly resented and concluded was pretentious).

It's as this thread evolved that suddenly it became her wanting a tour of all the rooms.

I don't believe it was ever thevm intention but it suits OP to think that to justify not having her in her home at all.

When my ds was little we had a playdate and both parents turned up and expected to stay. We had all known each other from nursery and the DC had started reception together. It was the first playdate and so I let both parents stay. It was very strange.

You've done completely the right thing. You've been straight and have stuck to your guns.

OP's comments from page 4 of the thread, Dontdisturbmenow. This is not about OP thinking HVM wants a tour to justify not having her in her home at all – the HVM has said told her and other mums that expects to be shown around!

The mother in question has told all of us how she likes to see inside other people’s houses before letting her child go there - it wasn’t just me she said it to. The other mothers know because they were told it themselves, not because I was gossiping/bitching about it. They feel as uncomfortable about it as I do, hence why they haven’t invited her son over either.

About a month ago and she and I were walking home from the school together with the children, and my son said “can bob come to our house for tea mommy?” obviously causing his friend to get excited at the thought of it. I would have had no problem with that whatsoever but his mom answered him by saying, “Not tonight Bob, mommy hasn’t seen the house yet so I can’t let you go there, you know that.”

Sorry – she expects to be shown around. Missed out word.

I don’t know anyone that would send a 5 year old to a house they’ve never been in , I personally would never leave a 5 year old in another house to play without my presence.
You have been to her house many times , but you have never invited her to yours, yet you want her to send her son on his own, because she should just trust you. She mentioned one house being dirty but you took it personal and managed to make it into this unnecessary drama.
You’ve made this all about you and your insecurities, and deep down you want to ostracise this mum from the group, how hard is it to show her around and put her at ease so the kids can play together, shouldn’t it be about the kids.

Op well done for having those awkward conversations. Hope you can put it to bed now. She seems very anxious and but that's not your problem.

@tattyheadsmum
Crap right back atcha! The other woman’s son has been invited multiple times, his own mothers neurosis is the reason he isn’t going.

how hard is it to show her around and put her at ease so the kids can play together, shouldn’t it be about the kids.

Christ, why are we always expected to be so child-centric that we put other people's kids before our own mental health? Surely it's about the OP not being stressed out about having to parade her home to a woman who has admitted she judges' peoples' houses on how clean they are and gossips about it afterwards?

5 year old don't need playdates to maintain friendships. My 5 year old has spoken about her "best friend" for the past 2 years. This best friend is the class above her. I work. I don't drop to school. I don't collect from school. I don't know the parents. My child has never been to this girl's house. Yet she is her best friend, and arrived home the other day with an invitation to her birthday party.

5 year olds don't need to visit each others houses to have friends.

When I was 5 I had school friends. And I had neighbours. I played with my neighbours. Yet 40 years later, my classmates are lifelong friends.

How did we manage it?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

The child doesn't need to be in your house to maintain a friendship with your child.

But on a serious note - I just hate arguing with people and there being unresolved issues and awkwardness etc.

This is just patently untrue. How is your relationship with your DM and DSis now @QueenofmyPrinces? Given how much you stoked that particular row?

The number of people on this thread dying to tell you how great you are for being a bully is horrendous.

I had never realised that not inviting someone who makes no secret of being judgemental into my house to judge it and me was me being a bully.

This board teaches me new things about people every day. Some of them are truly counterintuitive, too.

I think you both have anxiety.
I am really regretting giving in to her now. All I want to do is get out of it I was so impressed when you did this, but I think your anxiety caused you to change your mind. Those anxious feelings are presumably what the other mother is feeling too.
I live in a village and so my kids attended the village primary with all sorts of people. Things I have seen at after-school playdate pick-ups:
A bong sitting openly on the kitchen counter
My DD playing in a room with 6 or 8 kittens, kitten shit all over the floor, kids walking through it. I’m talking at least 20 little piles.
A mother passed out drunk on the sofa at 6pm

I don’t blame the other mother but I understand why you feel anxious too.
Do you feel that your house is actually a bit messier than normal levels of mess? Have your mother or sisters or someone ever commented on it?

I had never realised that not inviting someone who makes no secret of being judgemental into my house to judge it and me was me being a bully.

This. I'll be damned if I'd stand on ceremony for someone while they inspect my home.

And the little girl whose house didn't come up to scratch, was she named? Because if she was, she is encouraging other parents not to allow their children there either, which is pretty awful.

When I meet someone who openly slags off other people at the drop of a hat, I always expect them to do the same to me as soon as my back is turned. So no. I wouldn't invite her in.

I do feel sorry for her son though.

My parents were very strict and protective when I was little, but I never remember them insisting on inspecting my friends homes before I visited. It is rather rude.

And the little girl whose house didn't come up to scratch, was she named? Because if she was, she is encouraging other parents not to allow their children there either, which is pretty awful.

She did name the little girl whose house she was referring to but because she was in a different class to my son (same year group though) I didn’t know her personally.

My house isn’t messy no, but it wouldn’t live up to her stancards. I also have an old stain on my carpet (where my youngest tipped his spaghetti bolognese over) so she’d be scrutinising that. We also have a patch of wallpaper missing from one of the walls where one of my ex-cats scratched away at it. It’s all little things that to me aren’t really a big deal and can just be sorted when we get new carpets or redecorate etc, but I can imagine the HVM having an opinion on it.

I just don’t want to feel on edge and judged in my own home and be worrying about who she is going to go gossiping to about the less than perfect standard of my house.

The amount of people posting on here to insist you are unreasonable after how the other mum has handled it is fucking laughable.

Menstrualcycledisplayteam So in your book anyone who stands up for themselves and won't let themselves be browbeaten into a situation they're deeply uncomfortable with is a bully? The only person being horrendous here is you.

I'd be wary of keeping quiet with your mutual friends, there were a series of threads by a woman who was ostracised from her friendship group by a queen bee type over a pack of lies. The OP kept a dignified silence whilst the other woman was actively getting the others on side & by the time she did stick up for herself it was too late.

I wouldn't go around slagging her off but if it was me I'd want to make sure the others in the group had my version of events & not just hers.

I feel increasingly sorry for the little boy who it sounds like is caught between two adults who are enjoying stirring up as much drama around this as possible.

When my children were very small I wouldn't have let them be picked up from school/ preschool by another parent and taken to a house I'd never visited - not due to worries about stained carpets but large free roaming inadequately supervised dogs (most children who are killed by dogs are killed inside friends' houses) or smoking in the house.

Sometimes it is appropriate not to let your small child go to a friend's house unsupervised, and sometimes other parents are too much trouble to deal with, it works both ways.

Even now there is a house I don't let my teenage daughter go to although I'm happy that she sees that friend at school, at our house and at other friends' houses and I'm happy to chat to the mother who's pleasant in person (never seen the dad though the parents are together). DD wants to not be allowed to go to that house because the parents treat their 14 year old as though she's 17 or 18, including buying her alcohol to drink with her friends and not having any cerfew at all. DD feels under pressure and unsafe at that house (although it's a very nice big detached house so the OP's frenemy might approve ) and was released when I told her that friend can come here but she can't go there!

*relieved not released

Well the school run was absolutely fine this morning. She was already there with the other mothers when I got there and as I approached them she gave me a small smile, said good morning and asked if I was attending the assembly this afternoon.

(Our boy’s classroom are doing a presentation about the Queen).

It was a little bit strained but it still showed she was hopefully willing to to try and put the disagreement behind us

I wanted her to see there was no ill feeling from my side either so I smiled back, said yes, that I was looking forward to it and that I would see her there later.

We dropped the boys off in the classroom and although we didn’t walk back together like we normally would it still felt like a big step forward.

I feel so relieved.

When my children were very small I wouldn't have let them be picked up from school/ preschool by another parent and taken to a house I'd never visited - not due to worries about stained carpets but large free roaming inadequately supervised dogs (most children who are killed by dogs are killed inside friends' houses) or smoking in the house. There is a world of difference between this and asking to inspect the whole house which this woman did and then bitching about trivial things afterwards. We know this is likely because she bitched to the OP about someone else's house.